Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about time and life with the questions “Do I have enough time left” and “Is my life over” - which is something I went through myself and I hear so often. It’s common to get entrapped by it - and finding the answer is hard.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:29]
Like I said I went through this myself early on. I was in my mid twenties and my whole world just burned to the ground. While my former friends were studying and building up their life - mine was just in this downward spiral. One of my lowest points.
I had to burn through my money reserves, my health kept getting worse, I was loosing everyone and attacked non stop for “not being healed yet”. I had no idea where I wanted to go and everything just seemed to glide out of my hands like sand. So I told my father:
“My life is half over and I have nothing. And when I’ll finally get better - it will be too late. My life is a failure.” My father was silent for a moment and then said “If your life is half over - then I am long dead”. He was over 30 when I was born and then continued:
“Look at me - tell me what you want to do that I can’t do”.  And he was right - and got me thinking. Why did I believe my life would be over and worthless? What was I trying so hard to do that I was running out of time? It showed me the way.
We first talk about why do we feel like we are running out of time, then is it too late for me, then what is lost and then where are we running.

Why do we feel like we are running out of time? [2:03]
So why DO we feel like we are running out of time? The short answer is: Because we believe we do. Except for child birthing there are almost no deadlines in life. The speed run of life with 20s married and then children and then what? Often midlife crisis.
For the same reason I mentioned above likely: The life you envisioned is gone - and you can’t go back. In my experience you are not running towards something but away from something - usually past trauma or buried issues. So you try to clear all as fast as you can.
But for what? When we are in our teens - the thirties seem SO far away. It is basically our whole life again and hasn’t it been a long journey? But the older you get - the shorter the years become in relation to your life lived so far.
And you have so much energy and so many projects are usually not long efforts - as you simply usually not ready for them - and responsibilities can usually be avoided. In that age we are asked to plan our whole life and pick a job. For life. No second chances.
With teacher often acting that a failed exam is similar to be doomed to life as an exile. So we build this life in our heads and try to be adults - when before we often weren’t even trusted enough to do basic tasks. Then we start running and are too busy to notice where.

Is it too late for me? [3:40]
And then you notice the years passing by faster and faster and you feel the time running through your fingers more and more. And you wonder is it too late for me? This applies especially to those who got a late diagnosis and wonder if they should deal with it.
Is it worth this late in life to put in the effort? It is heartbreaking to hear people looking back at their life and realizing how the underlying trauma poisoned their life and affected them. Is it too late? I say not if you have more than a few months to live.
Even if you are at the end - isn’t it worth living the last moments as painless as possible and as close to your true self as possible? To be finally free? To no longer be tormented by the past or silence? Finding healthy people you can find warmth and comfort in?
People don’t realize what they lost until they regain it and then - it is almost impossible imagining going back. The only fear I had after I recovered from my PTSD was having to go back. It becomes hard to imagine living like that and all that comes with it.
No matter how much time you invested - is it really a good idea to waste even more time living a life you don’t enjoy? Also, too late is relative, too late for what? What do you want? What would you like to be free to do? Where do you want to go?

What is lost? [5:14]
But there is one thing we can’t do anymore - that is doing the opportunities we missed out on. So, what is lost? For once there is no getting your childhood back. You or the others are no longer children - that moment has passed.
There is no getting back all the moments you wanted to do next time, but next time never came. Neither the moments you couldn’t do because you were sick, it wasn’t allowed or the like. You can’t turn back time and you can’t change the past. It is just lost.
No matter how much time, effort, money or energy you put in it - it is lost. The battle is over. Accept the loss and move on. But, what you can do is salvage what the intention was. Did you just wanted to relax and enjoy a day with your friends? That is possible.
It is just that now that means something else. Your needs and wants have changed. You have changed. And if you let things go and keep their spirit - you don’t feel like you lost or that it is all over. It’s just different now.

Where are we running to? [6:30]
Which leaves us with where are we running to? Well this sort of ties in the last episode. We often are running to meet everyones expectations, because we are still a child that tries to follows all the instructions. Because that is what children do.
And sometimes adults too - sometimes even adults who theoretically know better. But it is just so very easy to get lost in the everyday duties and loose sight of why you are doing them in the first place. So sometimes life and other people just take over.
Last episode we talked about this importance of taking charge of your own life and its direction. That is what midlife crisis are often about. Where am I running to? Where is my life going? For whom am I doing that? Who am I? What am I even doing?
Now the healthy way with dealing with this confusion is reevaluating your goals, plans and expectations on life. Taking a break and just look at the whole picture and rearrange things as necessary. Life changed a lot since your last plan likely, so plan a new life.
A life that is worth living for.

Outro [7:48]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful and that you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.