Episode 21- Hallucinations/Visions (I) - The useful side
In this episode we talk about hallucinations or visions. First we talk about what they are, how they appear and why. Then we talk about how we can use them on our healing path. After we went over their purpose and usefulness, we talk about the unwanted ones we have in our everyday life and how we can cause wanted ones, to serve our purpose.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about hallucinations or visions - what they are and how we can use them on our path of healing. They are - after all - a way to communicate with our subconsciousness. There seem to be a lot of confusion regarding this symptom and many misconceptions. So let us talk about it and clear the fog a bit, so we can see a bit more clearly.
Preamble [0:40]
This symptoms seems to be one of the most feared and not understood, which is completely understandable. Especially since this symptom seems to be one of the steps to becoming a superhero villain. Overall the depiction of this symptom in our media is considered an omen of insanity. And even without the media, suddenly seeing things that aren’t there is if not frightening, at least very confusing. Not without reason - they are a clear warning sign, that something is VERY wrong and a cry for help by your brain. But the confusion and muddiness of this topic is helping no one. We talk about the darker side next week. This week we talk about what they are, the casual version and the clues they give us, and how we can use them, the unwanted and the wanted ones. But a WARNING: Don’t do any of todays suggested, unless you feel up to it. If not, use the mantra, breathing techniques, relaxation techniques and so on. See episode 4 for more information.
What are they - Casual version [1:54]
First off we talk about what hallucinations actually are. Of course there is no 100% clear answer, but I think it is important to get a basic understanding what is happening. As I think that is the best way to take away the power of fear and confusion from them. I thought about a bit and the best metaphor I found is a projector. You know the small mobile ones? Usually your brain projects into the inside of your eyes - so to speak - which makes you see memories or daydreams or dreams or the like. But if you suffer from hallucinations your brain is using the projector outside. So instead the picture of a memory filling out your complete vision, like usual, it is now only a part of the bigger picture outside. Which is confusing. Naturally. As you know it can’t be true. Additionally what you see is most likely distressing to see for you. Otherwise you wouldn’t see it. You brain is basically complaining about something it is causing itself. This way underlining its importance. Something is real, if your brain THINKS it is real - that is how illusion from magicians work. So it is completely normal that you believe that there IS suddenly what you see in front of you.
I have to really give it to the spider man - far from home movie, they visualized it really well. But DO NOT watch this movie, if you are in a weak spot. It has some… rough moments to put it mildly. I will from now on refer to them as visions, as that is actually a better description of what they are. And because of the other word being rather tainted. But why do we get them? Well your brain can’t talk to you, so it communicates via every other sense you have - be it smell, feeling, seeing, hearing or tasting. A bit like a classmate across the classroom. So visions, despite them being scary, confusing and disrupting, are an attempt of your brain trying to communicate with you. About an urgent matter, as this is a extreme measure.
What are they - Implications - Follow up - Clues [4:20]
As mentioned before these visions are basically a cry for help by your brain, because it can’t resolve the issue by itself. The more you ignore it, the more bizarre the vision will become. Which is a sign you really need to care of it. What you see isn’t random. You see what you see, because you have to see it. It means you have not paid enough attention to it. Sleep deprivation might make them appear sooner than that. The important question is: WHAT do you see? Look closely. Be aware it is NOT real - which also means it can’t harm you… physically. And maybe more importantly, what does it turn into? Three examples:
1. If you see a civilian situation turn into a situation from your military base or the like, it is pretty obvious, your brain is telling you there is something from there that needs to be taken care of.
2. Similar if you see the house you were growing up - something is buried there. A door you haven’t opened yet - figuratively speaking of course.
3. The horrible images you might see, you wish you never see again, is you brain basically reminding you, it can’t put it away without your help.
~ You can’t walk away from the trauma you left behind… it will sooner or later get to you. That is why it is better to prepare, strengthen yourself and take care of it.
How we can use them - Unwanted ones [6:00]
So I recommend to pay close attention - what do you see? What details are there? WHEN does it take place? - all important hints - similar to a treasure hunt you must follow the clues. If you can, go into the vision, but of course with the premise that it is NOT REAL. See it as a tour through a theme park, a video game or an art exhibit. It is not real, but a message. The brain is trying to take your hand and lead you to the reason for your symptoms. It can’t speak and sometimes the message appears a bit… lets say… heavy handed. So take everything with a grain of salt. But it IS trying to lead you somewhere. Somewhere where you buried a truth you had forgotten deep inside you. Yes, that was almost straight from inception, which did a good way of showing this concept. Many traumas are buried, so the brain could function at that time - which was a good measure. At - that - time. But now, the things buried deep within us need to get out. They are rotting. Usually these visions are a start of a scene or something happening, you can avoid following the vision, by figuring it out beforehand. The brain will keep giving you clues through varied ways. How does the brain give you clues? Well some things seem to be strangely in focus and it will try to draw your attention through leading you there. It takes maybe a few tries to understand it better. Be it short daydreams, mini vision (short moments or just objects), hearing something pronounced, having a specific song stuck in your head out of nowhere and so on. The more quiet and relaxed you are, the more access you can get to those hints. You can also access those visions directly this way.
How we can use them - Wanted ones [08:09]
Now, the timing of those visions might be the worst and usually you are not at your best, when they hit you. It is better to cause them and no, please don’t take drugs or the like.
As said before those visions are basically projections or daydreams or whatever you want to call them. That means we can also access them when we are daydreaming.
This can be caused by going into a state of deep relaxation and let your mind go blank, be it with yoga, meditation or hypnosis- like methods. The goal is to meet your opponent well prepared and energized. To give you the field advantage and better suited to take up the challenge. Also this should make what you see more clear, as you are not in a situation where it gets disturbed or you must push it away. If you have trouble getting your mind blank with relaxation methods, then there is also the method via music. Without voices. Loud, quiet, epic, piano solo - whatever takes you on the journey. Now similar to relaxation we let us flow with the music - we just sit back and listen to it. Now the interesting thing about music is, it can influence our mood, but it also feels disturbing if it is the wrong mood. I recommend having a playlist with everything mixed and you keep clicking next until you hit that music that just … feels… right. It is hard to describe with words. You might be wondering why I excluded music with lyrics, that is not because I think someones voice can’t carry your emotions and feelings. Not at all. But we need to glide away. And if we hear a voice we listen to it, which blocks part of the visions and keeps us in the narrative of the singer, which is usually fine, but not when we plan to get access to the depths of our brain. Remember, you can always leave this vision and it is going to be hard, but it is something that could help you find the true cause of your visions… a trauma ignored. But whatever you do, tread carefully and don’t overextend yourself. It is a long journey, no need to burn yourself out. It is better to go steadily and take it one step at a time.
Private Words [10:43]
I have to be honest with you, last week was rough. I can now add a new thing I had, well actually two things. But at least I have now no more questions left about my past. I understand now how everything came to be, where it came from, how what lead to what and so on. The final piece of the puzzle finally fell into place. A question I didn’t expect I would find an answer to. This will take a bit to stomach, but otherwise…. I am okay. I am just licking my wounds and have less energy available and a few symptoms. It will no doubt be resolved, but in the meantime it just hurts. As usual. I am just glad I could do this episode. Everything will be alright - and that is the most important thing.
Outro [11:59]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful. Next week we get into the darker side of visions. What makes them dangerous and where it can lead and why those things happen. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 22 - Hallucinations/Visions (II) - The harmful side
In this episode we talk about hallucinations or visions, this time we turn to the darker side. We first talk about how PTSD can escalate, how it then can lead to a loosing grip of reality and later on about the lost grip of reality. We talk about how it can come to those results often seen in the media and how harmful the visions can be, if they are not kept under control. We end it on a few words of comfort.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about hallucinations or visions - the harmful side, which sadly can turn lethal. This is the side that is usually more known and also quite often seen in the media, often accompanied with the question: How could this happen? Well we will talk about that in this episode.
Preamble [0:37]
This has to be the most heartbreaking outcome and one of the paths this illness of a nightmare can kill you. The outcome usually devastating for those involved. This is avoidable and if it did already happen, I want to explain how it could come so far or at least try as best as I can. As this is one of the escalations that we talked about. Often people suffering from PTSD can find themselves just a few seconds away from death. But we take it one step at a time. First we are going to talk about the escalation of PTSD, loosing grip on reality , then the lost grip of reality and hopefully some words of comfort.
Escalation of PTSD [1:25]
I think everyone was in a situation where the situation escalated. Be it as a bystander or participant. The situation escalated if at least 2 participants keep adding at least one up what the other did. The cold war would be a nice example. Usually it is more than just 1 and those involved rapidly increase the stakes… until it finally collapses… on a person or more.
The escalation of symptoms for PTSD works in a similar way. Usually you experience the symptoms in waves. Up and down. The more unbalanced you are, the higher the ups the lower the lows. The more balanced you are, the more smooth the waves are, until they are even barely noticeable. Now similar to a trend chart, the waves have an up or down movement. Now imagine there being several horizontal lines, which stand for a new level of the symptoms you are experiencing. Now the waves might go over that line and you experience for a short time worse symptoms. Healing isn’t a straight line, so even the overall healing line has its up and downs. But if PTSD is not kept in check your trend will tend to go towards worse and worse symptoms. Now specific events and things might kick the healing line in one direction or another… which means you might suddenly go from mild symptoms to extreme symptoms. That is the reason why the importance of stabilizing can’t be overstated. Please do all you can to stabilize yourself as much as possible.
Loosing grip on reality [3:25]
Now that we have established what the escalation looks like overall, lets us go into the vision specific version. This escalations leads to an increased loosened grip of reality.
We talked in the last episode about how confusing, frightening and unsettling the appearance of hallucinations is, but in that stage they were just a part of the bigger picture.
The next step of escalation is the increase in size and your time being lost in it. Keyword is lost. You might snap back to reality or just be confused for a bit. VERY strong warning signs.
Those phases will take longer and occur more often. This will lead to an increased confusion of the brain - as it now gets mixed reports when and where it is. Yes, the brain is basically confusing itself. We all were in a position where we were lost in time and/or space, but a short look on the clock or asking where you are, usually helps resolve those feelings of confusion. That is now less and less the case. The brain sees not one watch, but several… and which one is the correct one? The one it sees now? The one 5 minute ago? The one in the air? The one the stranger is having? Which is it? The more often those information prove to be false, the more the brain is reluctant to trust that sort of information. Which means it is getting more and more confused, without getting any correcting information. When is it? Where is it? Now if that isn’t bad enough, now add the nightmares and other horrific visions to the mix and the whole situation is just … a living nightmare. And the more and the longer it goes on, the dreams and reality become more and more mixed together. Until one day, the brain lost grip on what is real and what is not.
Lost grip on reality [5:45]
Now we are in the final stage, the brain now no longer knows where and when it is and if what he sees is real or not. Like said in the last episode - something is real when you brain believes it is real. That is how placebo works and so many other things. You WILL suddenly feel the sun on your skin or a howling wind. And the threat of the monstrosity that your brain came up with. Now for most civilians that means we get a person screaming at nothing, hides in a corner, while hopefully professionals help that person to find its way back to reality. That is often not the case for soldiers or people with soldier mentality, who rather fight the enemy instead just to be taken. As far as I know there are no numbers, how many reached this stage and reacted how. The fighter will try to fight the visions he sees or will be transported into another location. Where he was stationed maybe. Or worse things he might see or be. Imagination has no bounds. Since now the brain doesn’t know anymore when or where it is…. It will interpret impulses like what it sees, smells and hears differently. Like a door opens? Are you outside? Inside? Close by? Everything is now up for interpretation… everything is lost in time and space. Now it takes the time just one serious trigger or several smaller ones, to convince it, that it is in a state of live and death danger. The brain knows that something is wrong and desperately tried to erase the cause of this… but it lost the control of the situation and what is going on. Still the brain will try to survive. It knows it is close to dieing. Now everyone will be seen as a threat or at least potential… now if you are surrounded by several you can take many paths, be it planning to take as many as you can with you or just fighting your way through them.
Either way, in the reality this ends up being fatal. In the end most of the time for the person itself. Maybe even after he woke up from the nightmare, to find himself in another one.
This is an unnecessary tragedy that can be avoided, which just makes it worse. I hope anyone who suffered through this now has their peace - no one deserves this.
Words of comfort [8:46]
I wanted to have the final chapter of this be about some words of comfort. I know that many fear the outcome above and/or have suffered through it. It’s like an abyss that is in the back of our minds. First off, that is not your inevitable fate. That is a situation completely out of control. Stabilize yourself as much as you can and have as much routine as you can. That will at least keep your symptoms stable. And secondly, it is not your fault. We can control only so much, but we are only humans. Some things are not in our control. My heart goes out to anyone who lost anyone though this. Thirdly, you are not weak. PTSD is like walking in a storm… with the occasionally item hitting you… you prove incredible strength just by keeping on walking. It is hard to do anything under those conditions. I am in the firm believe that everyone can escape this storm, if they know where they are heading and stop walking in circles. Once you know where you are heading, you can even brave a worse storm than that. It is completely normal that you have trouble in the storm, if you are confused, disorientated, hurt and just lost. How can you get anywhere under these circumstances? That is why a direction is so important.
And lastly I want to add a positive affect of visions, that I haven’t mentioned in the last episode - how visions help us to find closure - which is so important.
Visions are that we see what the brain wants us to see… and sometimes we miss a person so dearly, that we seem him or her. This is an attempt of our brain to comfort us.
This way we might be able to say our goodbye and find closure with the death of someone, we didn’t had the chance to. Visions can help us find peace.
So if you see a vision of someone you know is dead, don’t be afraid, just think about what you might have wanted to say to or do with that person - and find peace and closure.
Personal Words [11:28]
I still can’t regularly go grocery shopping and I have to admit I grew rather fond of the one who delivers them and the lady, who I tell my order on the phone. Yes, the phone. This is Germany for you. Many places do have ordering via the Internet, but the area I live in apparently didn’t get that memo. Either way - ordering via phone has it’s weaknesses.
Recently I ordered yogurt, 3,5% … but I got 3 yogurts… a 3,5% but, a bit too much. I accepted it, because I didn’t wanted to punish those 2 for a misunderstanding. Trying to find dishes now with yogurt. There have been a few instances like this, but I do feel like those little things are just give live its charm. Those very little moments that stick in our memory and become the stories we tell.
Outro [12:39]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you made it trough it alright and that it helped clear the fog. And please - don’t hesitate to ask for help, in any way, shape or form you need it.
If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 23 - Manipulation - Language - It is (NOT) your fault (I)
In this episode we talk about manipulation language. About how it is all your fault, to be more precise. Or at least that is what they want you to believe.
We talk about the language, who uses it, the type of logic used and how to deal with it.
Disclaimer: /S = sarcastic
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about manipulation - about manipulation language to be precise. Or in other words: Why everything is your fault. How couldn’t it be? /s With the big family holidays coming up and I know how for many of you that is a very difficult time. Be it because you don’t have family around you or you do have family around you. A small disclaimer beforehand: As an autist some things in social areas fly above my radar or I perceive differently, so if I left anything unclear or the like, please don’t hesitate to contact me or ask anything. Alright, with that out of the way, let’s talk about it.
Preamble [1:02]
I mean it IS your fault. Of course it is. How couldn’t it be? You see… if you are not at fault, I AM. And that can’t be. So you must be the one at fault. Clearly. I don’t feel like I am in the wrong, so clearly I am not. /s That might be a joke, but it is actually a pretty good summary of what is happening. But that isn’t the real problem with manipulation, as once it is exposed it can be handed pretty easily. You see when we are attacked by a weapon, we see the weapon, we see our wound and its clear: We were attacked by this weapon. But with manipulations our opponent is a magician. Now you have a wound, but there is no weapon and he is just smiling. Because similar to a magician using illusions, the manipulators uses really similar tricks. He hides his movement in smoke and because everything is happening so fast - you just don’t know WHAT just happened. But still the feeling remains.
But most people have issues going against something, if there is not a clear cut out case for what happened - like the weapon and the wound. They just know something is wrong.
Once a manipulator has to act in the open, his tricks become obvious and easy to block. So lets shine a bit light on it all shall we?
Manipulation Language - Who does it? [2:41]
First off I want to make something clear: Not everyone who uses manipulation language does it with bad intent. Some are unaware that their behavior is wrong, other just really want to avoid a topic. That doesn’t mean it is okay what they are doing and that we can not still use the knowledge to protect ourselves. All I am saying is, it might come from someone who genuinely loves you. And nonetheless: It doesn’t matter how good or loving a person is - they still can do things wrong. Sometimes they can do very bad things. And they have NO right to tell you how to feel about that. But to that later. Manipulators can take many forms and shapes. Just because someone is weak, handicapped or a victim, doesn’t mean they can’t also be a culprit. Weakness doesn’t mean helplessness. It can be used as a weapon. We get to that later. So manipulative language could be used by anyone, but there are some hints that a person is doing it regularly or is a “true” manipulator. That person usually can never admit they did something wrong aka owning up to their mistakes. Neither will they be able to handle criticism rather well. They can’t really understand the feeling of the others. Some people might have cut all contact with them… for absolutely no reason… at all… totally./s Another hint might be, that they are beloved in their society. Everyone loves them. Yeah, that can be a huge red flag.
Manipulation Language - Denial of your feelings - Intro [4:38]
One of the main problems manipulators have is, that they don’t really get the others feelings. Sadly some people think how they feel are facts. So if they feel like there is no reason to be upset - then there is not one. But if their opinion, voice and emotions matter, so do yours. Why should they have more weight than you? It is really helpful to imagine the scene with the roles reversed. How would it play out then? Luckily, like most things, manipulation language does have its classics. Or at least a reoccurring theme. So let us do a few examples.
Manipulation Language - Look what you made me do [5:27]
Number one: Look what you made me do. Yes, YOU. Of course YOU made me do it… I was basically forced. There were no other options! Because you behaved this way, I had to take this route and suffer severe consequences! It is your fault. /s Here we have it again: I don’t want to take up responsibility, so I give it to you. The good thing is: You can reject that gift. Side note: Gift means poison in German, thought that it is fitting here. An harmless example would be: Because you didn’t bring the cake I wanted, I had to order one for 50 online! Another example: Because you refused my request, I had to punish you. Edited of course. Usually they wouldn’t mention it costs so much, unless to guild trip you about how much money they had to spend. Also they usually don’t say punish, but just the thing they did. As if it is normal. The mistake of this ‘logic’ is of course, first, that you are responsible for their actions and second, that there were only 2 possible outcomes. Either you do as told or this was bound to happen automatically. It was THEIR choice to act this way. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. We are the ones having to live with them for the rest of our lives. So as long you have to carry the responsibility of what happens afterwards, you make the calls… and they make theirs. You are not responsible. They are. And they really don’t like that. That is why they give the blame to you. Because otherwise they would have to face consequences and they don’t like that. Which is natural, but also wrong. It is best to just refuse this “deal”.
Manipulation Language - Why are you being so difficult about it? [7:40]
Number two: Why are you being so difficult about it? Yes, we were just planning to rob you, why are you making such a big deal out of it? We were all having such a nice time, but no, you HAD to call the cops and now I am in prison because of you. /s Of course it is your fault, because otherwise I would be responsible for the mess I am in right now./S Once again you are given the blame and responsibility to a situation. You see a pattern? Though this time it a bit more… destructive. As you were passive in the last example, you are now active - as in actively trying to ruin the people around you. Usually happens if you refuse to play along. Other example would be, if you tell someone that their partner is cheating. You are not at fault for the marriage breaking up, the person cheating is. They made that choice. If they really would think their action was okay, then they would tell their partner. But of course not, that is why they are upset that they got exposed. You are at fault for everything. So if you hadn’t taken the moral high ground (aka didn’t want to live with guilt and keeping his cheating a secret) they wouldn’t be in that mess. Completely ignoring that they choose to cheat. Once again they try to drop of the guilt, shame and responsibility off to you. The best reaction to that is just to laugh and walk off. Otherwise any defense will be used as an ammunition against you.
Manipulation Language - Summary [9:27]
So what to say in summary? First always be skeptical if someone tries to determine you are the reason for all the things gone wrong. ESPECIALLY if the person is in some way or form involved. Always ask yourself, what the benefit to the other person could be from this. Also: You are innocent until proven guilty. No need to defend yourself, if your opponent has not brought any good reason why you did it. It is not you who has to prove you are innocent, but them to prove that you are the one at fault. Simply connection events, does NOT make you guilty. A big red flag is, if they don’t give you time to think. Manipulators always want to keep you on the run, so you don’t have time to think. Ask to talk about it another time, if they refuse… take a step back. Something is usually fishy then. You might not immediately get it, but the more you read or see about manipulation sentences, the more easily your brain will spot them and be mostly immune to them. Practice helps - as usual.
Private Words [10:47]
This week was a sad one for me. My grandmother died, from my mothers side. She had a cold, which turned bad, she was taken to the hospital and went sleeping. She was close to 100 years old. So it wasn’t really unexpected, but still a surprise. I had a bad feeling about that and luckily visited her a few months ago, despite my state I was in, because I felt I wouldn’t see her otherwise again. We kind of said our goodbyes, also to my grandfather, and I am so glad I did that. I would have felt horrible otherwise. As I only could visit them a few times during the last years, because of my c-PTSD. I expect my grandfather to follow her soon, a person which I always felt a special connection and is the reason why red roses are my favorite flower. His garden with the rose bushes was a paradise. But because of their age, they had to abandon it… more and more with the years. Until they couldn’t even cook in the end anymore. My grandpa was the greatest cook and made me love vegetable as a kid. I of course support my mother in this time of need, as I promised them I always would. I am glad I have the knowledge to help her and other people in situations like this. So, I hope wherever they end up be, they have a wonderful garden again with their beloved birds, where she can eat finally all the cake again she wants to and both have the best time one could have.
Outro [12:56]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you liked it. I just saw that today is Veterans day, so I wanted to say, that the best thing you can do for your loved ones and your country is, that you take care of yourself. Loosing someone is horrible, even if you think no one cares, someones does. You are not alone in this. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 24 - I believe in you
In this episode we will talk about why I believe in you. The reason why I did this podcast, because I believe in you and your ability to cure yourself. First we talk about the question often heard "Can I do it?" and then I answer the question "How did YOU do it?" and then we talk about the benefits of "Just keep walking".
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something a little bit different than normal. With me spending most week still mourning strongly, I couldn’t get myself to go into the darker side of humanity. I think that is understandable, but I also didn’t want to leave this week empty. So, after a bit of thinking and testing, I thought it might try to do a more positive episode. Be it a bit shorter one.
Today I want to talk about how you can do it, how I did it and encourage you to keep on walking… and hopefully have a bit more faith in yourself, that you can do it.
Can I do it? [0:54]
One of the most heard questions I read is: Can I do it? Many are just lost, they got their diagnosis, most likely gotten already in a bad situation because of it, sitting there and asking: Now what? If they have gotten the diagnosis at all. Most feel lost, though that never really disappears in life, I get that feeling too. But you shouldn’t feel like that all the time.
Then they might hear about the stories of others, who managed to heal themselves, or even cure themselves. But the question remains: Can I do it? Other people might have, doesn’t mean that I will. Which of course the depression, which is usually the company of PTSD, is all to happy to make a bad situation worse. Now telling you, you are bound to fail. I have been there. So I tell you something, no one told me back then: I believe in you. I have no doubt you can do it. Yes, you might be a bit outnumbered, but that only counts if you are on the same level. I helped a few and … not one I helped so far, started with a different feeling. It is okay to need help, it doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you recognized you can succeed faster with help. I have complete and utter faith that you can succeed. There is no doubt in my mind. The exact how is the problematic part at the moment. But I have no doubt you can see it through.
How did YOU do it? [2:44]
Many asked me how I succeeded. Not the technique. How I did. Which is a good question, the odds were stacked against me. Still I succeeded. So, how DID I do it? Though I am still figuring out the exact answer. But I would say, because I was to stubborn to just lie down and die. I just kept going. I might fall, I might lay there for a while. But I got up. Again and again. I was like, if life wants me dead, it has to work for it. I am NOT doing it for it. I had really absolutely no faith I would succeed. Like I said, everything and everyone was against me. But there is something liberating if you have nothing … you have nothing to loose and might give it a shot. I just wanted to make my situation less miserable. The MMO I was playing at the time, showed me, that I would rather do something if it was 10 small steps, then 1 big one. So I applied that too. I focused on one small thing, instead of the big picture. My aim was not to get healthy, my aim was to take one of my enemies down. Just to make my life a little less miserable. And after that was done… why not another one?
Just keep walking [4:25]
And if that one succeeds why not another one? And another one? And then you fail. You readjust .. And another one. After each there is a short break. Where you just trying to figure out what the heck just happened. Where you breathe and maybe just enjoy a bit that tiny victory. Then the moment passes and you move on. This is not something I believe I am only capable of. I think it would be incredible self centered if I did. I have talked and interacted with many with PTSD, I have yet to see someone who I don’t think is capable of this. They are usually just lost. So they just need to find their way again. I thought about it and the best example I found, at least at this moment, is, a rope with knots which is used in climbing mountains. Where you slowly move from knot to knot? Which is a sort of guidance on the tricky paths. The trick is to slowly, with the rope as guidance, work yourself forward. You can’t lean on it really. And no matter how wonky it is, it is better with than without it. Because no matter how tempting it is and how close the goal seems to appear, don’t jump. It ends badly. I tried it several times, still do. Bad idea. It ends differently than you think it will. You know it might be boring and all, but if you stick to that rope, you might stumble, you might hit yourself, but at least you will arrive safely in the end. As far as I am concerned, that is the thing that matters. So yeah, nothing you can’t do. Look where you came from, what you all mastered. Maybe start writing down all your daily victories. You will get more than you might think. You are still standing. Despite all that happened. After all that was done to you. That is the biggest victory. Now all we have to do is take care of the rest. Bit by bit. You get there. Most likely with a few detours. I have no doubt you can. I have complete and utter faith in you. I know it doesn’t feel like it. But you CAN do it. I believe in you. Honestly. I wish you the best on your path ahead of you.
Outro [7:22]
That was it for today. I hope you are braving the dark months with ease. I overdid it again and am sick again. When will I ever learn? Either way, I hoped you liked todays episode and as usual if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time
Episode 25 - Manipulation - Guilt tripping - You have the right to say no (II)
In this episode we once again talk about manipulation. This time we don't talk just about how you are expected to accept the blame but also do something. We give a short overview over guilt tripping, then a common example and then a bit darker one. Knowing how it works is half the trick to beat it, that is why we are talking about it.
Disclaimer: /S = sarcastic
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about manipulation again - this time about guilt tripping or how about you have the right to say no - and just no. Welcome once again to the world of manipulation - this time they don’t just put all the blame on you, but now want you do something too. Once again I encourage to ask if anything I say is unclear to you or I skip over something - I do that sometimes. So please if anything like that happens - don’t hesitate.
Prelude [0:51]
After we established in the last manipulation episode, that everything is your fault by default, as otherwise the other person would be responsible - which is of course impossible. /s
Now we will get into why you have to do what you are told - and why your reasons why not aren’t even worth getting into. If you don’t do as told, you are being dramatic and causing issues. It is of course not, because otherwise their argument would fall apart or they don’t care about your feeling about it. Totally not. So why are you not just saying yes? /s
I want to quote a very wise person at this point: No is a full sentence. You don’t have to give a reason why. You don’t have to give a reason why you won’t do something. They have to provide one for you to do it. If you want to be sure: Test the waters with a small side argument, if they dismiss it or try to rug sweep it, you know where you are at. It is basically a bait… the response will tell you what you need to know. So in this episode we talk about manipulation in the form of guilt tripping, first we do the overview, then a classic example and then to a more extreme example.
Manipulation - Guilt tripping - Overview [2:19]
One thing right ahead, we all do slight forms of guild tripping in our everyday life. Can’t you really bring me the yogurt on your way back? I have to get up otherwise… - to give an example. As much that is still not the right thing to do, we are focusing on the fact when someone does it regularly and/or to a larger degree. Where to draw the line? Well that is blurry and everyone has to do themselves. But even with the harmless example: You have every right to just say no and you don’t have to justify or argue about it. You are not the accused in front of a jury. Not that I don’t still do that very often myself. But the more often you are correcting yourself and stopping yourself form acting this way, the less likely you are going to act this way next time. But it is to unlearn a habit. An unhealthy habit. It is important to establish boundaries, draw lines in the sand - to protect ourselves and our wellbeing. Yes it might not be a big hit, but if you are constantly under fire it will harm you and have harmful effects on you. And if you are even PTSD recovering, you have only very weak defenses. That means even small things like this affect you greatly and it is not like you have a lot of spare energy just to be the scapegoat. Knowing what is happening is half the trick to counter it - that is why we are talking about it now. Your wellbeing is important - as is your opinion. If someone truly loves you, they think so too.
Manipulation - Guilt tripping - Classic example [4:19]
Let us start with one of the classics - “Why can’t you come to thanksgiving? Your uncle hasn’t seen you in ages and misses you. It is only a short trip. When will you have the ability to meet everyone again?” We start with the wonderful bait to defend yourself: Why can’t you? Implying there is something inherently wrong with NOT coming. Like not showing up for work. You are demanded to explain yourself. And make no mistake. You needing to work early next day or you just came back from a trip that took weeks? Nothing is valid. You are wanted there and you better show up. In this context of course. The next part of the phrase is emotional blackmail. You don’t want to make your uncle sad or? The time is of course dramatized, ages might be even two weeks ago. Time IS relative. Not that the uncle was asked. It is implied of course that the uncle will be incredible hurt if you are not coming and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT. You are not responsible for other peoples feelings - everyone is responsible for that themselves. Third part is minimizing. Short is once again relative. Considering the world 12 hours is only a short trip. Once again implying you are being in need to explain yourself for not EVEN doing that little thing. This way of course trying to preemptively counter any argument of yours by making it appear ridiculous. Even if it is accurate, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Even a short trip. And the last one is the Fear of missing out. Also used by greedy companies. Get it now, as long supplies last. Sound familiar? If you want to see everyone, that is fine. If you don’t, that is fine too.
But this way there is a pressuring to give you the feeling, you are at fault, if you didn’t use this chance to meet them. Everything is a 2 way street. If you really want to meet them, you find a way. Or face time.
Manipulation - Guilt tripping - more extreme example [6:49]
Now we get into the bit darker side “I am just doing this because I love you!”. Yeah. Or in other words ‘look what you made me do’. Now this can only someone pull off you truly care about. Sort of a last attempt. This is the one of the few times we hear the reason they are giving themselves. They say: I do it, because of my selfless love. That means what I do can’t be wrong, right? We have a saying in my family “The opposite of well, is meant well”. If things done with good intentions would lead to good results, we would live in a better world. Though it is doubtful it is actually the motivation. It is just the official reason, like ‘think of the children’, which are of course forgotten 5 min later. This sentence is shouted while beating their children or kicking them out for their homosexuality or the like. Up to the lethal end of the spectrum… starting with not allowing the child to eat something. I think the key importance is the word ‘just’. Because it changes the sentence. This word twists the responsibility. That ‘just’ implies it would never do it for any other reason. It is the only one, so you can’t be mad at them. I mean you are responsible for causing it. It is out of character for me, just for you. /s I think the proper answer to that is basically ‘No, thank you’. Feel free to use less polite and/or longer version. This is another unwanted gift. It is meant to put the most pressure possible. They take the ‘I love you’ declaration and use it as a weapon. Trying to blend the love and their behavior into one. And threaten with its removal indirectly. I recommend using distance. To be able to think and act.
Private Words [9:07]
You might have suspected it, but I do have some experiences of this kind of behavior myself. I had 2 VERY different grandparents when I grew up. One was upfront and right in your face. She said “I want you all together and it means really a lot to me. You come.” She wasn’t someone to shy from an argument or had hesitation to voice her opinion. I liked her honesty and she wasn’t without reason. We, the farthest away, were accommodated the most. Then there was the others side, everything was always ‘fine’ and ‘I mean you don’t have to come, if you don’t really want to… would be a shame though…’ A decipher, 2 linguists and 3 Sherlock Holmes were needed after each visit to decipher what was said. I am just happy that as I was a kid with autism all those jabs and insults flew right above my head. Ignorance IS bliss. To their detriment, I came in contact with a genius master manipulator, which messed with my life badly and taught me manipulation. Add that with a photographic memory and suddenly a lot made sense. My parents were rather shocked what was sometimes said to me and I blissfully ignored. Now they are no longer an active part of my life and my quality of life has improved significantly since then. I can only recommend taking such statement, like ‘we really would like to come but it won’t be possible in January’ and the like - as literal and say something like ’well, too bad’ and hang up. Nothing beats that.
Outro [11:03]
That was it for todays episode - I hope you liked it. With the thanksgiving weekend around the corner I hope you have a wonderful time - in whatever way, shape or form you want to.
Whatever you do, I hope you have great food. And - as usual - if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 26 - Could I have (C)PTSD?
In this episode we talk about the question that often starts the journey: Could I have (C)PTSD? I will start asking for the simple symptoms and then work myself up to the harder ones. This is to help the people who are unsure and want to get answers. For others who already know this might be helpful to be aware what also could be connected to ones PTSD.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. I apologize for my voice - I just kind of woke up to it.
In this episode we will talk about the question that started for most the journey: Could I have PTSD? Then the checking and the realization… yes I do. Though to the ones who haven’t figured it out yet - to be honest, if you are asking yourself this question… most likely the answer will be yes - I wanted to help them finding the answer. I recommend taking everything with a grain of salt… everyone is different after all. I wanted to give people the option to see for themselves - as good as I can.
Prelude [0:53]
To answer a few question up ahead: No, you don’t have to be a soldier. No, you don’t have to have experienced any form of violence. Yes, some people might have it worse than you, but you can still have it. Yes, the person might not have meant it badly, but it can still be a trauma. Yes, you can be cured and returned to a normal life aka be cleared of any symptoms and have a deep inner peace. No, it will not go back as it used to be - experiences change us, no matter if they are good or bad. No, it is not too late - but it might take longer. No, you are not a second class person now. Yes it is enough, that you felt something was wrong and no one else did. No, you are not crazy and need to be locked away - but you need to take care of it as soon as you can. But yes, you need to protect yourself, as you are vulnerable and many people with bad intentions aim for that. And no, this event doesn’t change your worth one bit. We will start with soft questions… and go deeper into the rabbit hole. I won’t focus on the trauma itself, because rarely people know it and even if they do, they often downplay it or don’t see it as unusual. Before we start, I just want to say, that the most important part of this is, to be honest with yourself. Only the truth will set you free. You are not helping yourself with lying.
Let us begin softly [2:45]
So where to start? I would say with:
Do you have nightmares? You know the ones that really unsettle you? But eh, its just a dream? And you move on? If that sounds familiar, make your first check mark.
Are you feeling… kind of under pressure? Like you can’t really deeply relax, or at least extremely rarely? Its like you are always on the edge? And you can’t really pinpoint why? Another check mark.
Are you having issues with your emotions? You feel like you are on a roller coaster and not in control? Sometimes maybe even snapping at people and don’t really know why afterwards? That’s another one.
Do you feel a general form of frustration? Like you are just frustrated, but it is kind of everything? Like you don’t know? Especially if it was different before? You just want a break from your life? A check mark.
Has your brain been just kind of full? Like it is just so much… it is hard to keep track of it all? Things just slip you sometimes? Like there isn’t enough space? And might find it difficult to remember things? One more.
Have you trouble concentrating? Like it has become hard? It is hard to fully concentrate? You easily slip out? Difficult books and the like are no longer a side thing you can enjoy? Another check mark.
Are you feeling tired and exhausted? Like you really just want to take a break? But no matter how much you sleep, you feel tired? A kind of heaviness in your muscles? Like a weight you are carrying? Last check mark.
All those things are check marks, that your brain is dealing with something, that it has trouble handling. You will see similar symptoms after a close ones death, etc. Getting help, in whatever form, is strongly advised!
Mediocre [5:14]
Now we get the more serious warning signs.
Do you feel chest pain? Something dull? Like you bumped into something? Otherwise just a bit tense? Might fade in and out? That is a warning sign.
Do you start seeing things? Like for a moment you though you saw something, but then it was gone? Usually in the corner of your eye? Or similar out of focus? A clear warning sign.
Do you feel hunted? I don’t mean necessarily literal, but a feeling on something is there? That you have to be on your guard? You don’t feel save and secure? That is a warning sign.
Do you suffer from Insomnia? I mean do you have trouble with sleeping? Despite being tired unable to sleep? Sleeping badly? Feeling tired most of the time? Yes, another warning sign.
Is the love you once felt for something just kinda gone? I mean passions, food, movies, music, relationships and so on? Like it’s just somehow only a gray mass now? All feels kind of empty? A strong warning sign.
Does your body show strange symptoms? Like your heart is racing, but for no reason? Or you are suddenly sweating? Or your body just seems to kind of… malfunction? That is another strong warning sign.
These are serious signs there is something really wrong with you at the moment. Try to get help soon. Or at least change things. Stabilize yourself to keep the symptoms from escalating.
Hardcore [7:26]
We are now in red flag territory. Big red flags. You are in danger. Change things as soon as possible. Stabilize as much as you can.
Do you have hallucinations? Do you see things that aren’t there? This time relatively in your focus? Things, people or even whole scenes? That happened or not? Yeah, this is one big red flag.
Do you have triggers? Things, sentences, people, smells, sounds, tastes, anything really, that causes you to react? Or to respond in a specific way? You try to avoid them because of that? Another big red one.
Do you have strong chest pain? Like if someone is pulling your chest open? But it just hurts and stays there? But still not a sharp pain? Which fluctuates? Maybe feels like permanent heartbreak? Yes, this is also one.
Do you suffer from strong insomnia? Complete chaos in your sleeping pattern? Never really know when you will sleep? And the quality of sleep is rather bad? Definitely a big red flag.
Are you in a state of constant fear? Your heart going faster? Your breath? Your are afraid but… you don’t know why? There is no reason? Still you feel fear? And not safe? Another big red flag.
Do you have anxiety or panic attacks? Like for no real reason? You might even feel silly for having them? But no watter what you do, they keep reappearing? As before.
Emergency level [9:38]
We left the big red flag territory, but now instead the soviet army is marching past you. Get help as soon as possible. You are in dire need of help. Or at least you need to change something as soon as possible.
Do you have sometimes no idea where and when you are? Even just for a brief moment? Just a complete loss of feeling of orientation? Yes, this is one of them.
Are you able to barely get any sleep? And I mean that literally. Do you sleep for only an extremely short time? Barely at all? Well, I think you most likely already know that this is really bad.
Do you have nightmares while you are awake? I mean does your nightmares sometimes kind of bleed into real life? Or you sort of daydream nightmares? Once again, most likely you already know this is bad.
Please take those hints VERY seriously. It is not really hard to figure out if you have PTSD on the long run, as this disease is not subtle. Take care of yourself, this is going to be a long journey.
Private Words [11:07]
I am sorry for my voice and so on. I got a letter a few days ago, that I have a court appointment in less than a week, to plead for my case regarding my autism or otherwise an up to 1000 Euro fine. Seems a bit extreme. But I have been preparing that court appointment. As I have to answer any and all questions. I never done anything like that before and I am pretty nervous. That really swept me from my feet. And it also made me almost not enjoy my birthday! I am getting 30 today, which gives me a bit of mixed feelings, because it makes me aware of how much time has passed and how much time it all cost me. Despite that, my birthday was always very special to me, so I will be playing a bit later with my friends, if I can get them all together… if not tomorrow. I have a wonderful raspberry tart. Some chocolates. I actually get a present this time, because it my 30th birthday. A drawing tablet with screen, as I love to draw and because of my damaged nerves, my brain doesn’t know where my arms are until I look at them. I am trying to enjoy this day as much as I can and I hope you are having a wonderful day as well.
Outro [12:49]
That was it for todays episode, I especially hope that you liked it today. Of course my voice had to fail me just as I was recording. I just hope my life's craziness goes down soon. I am sorry for any inconveniences along the way. Nonetheless, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 27 - Why does change happen so slowly?
In this episode we talk about the frustrating feeling of how slowly the change and healing process is.
First we talk about a better prespective regarding your healing progress and why you should give yourself a break sometimes.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the frustration of the healing process taking always too long and try to find the positive note and how to best deal with it. This is going to be a shorter and lighter one once again, as the court appointment ate most of my time and energy and its implications still linger. And might for a while. So today we have a short talk about perspective of our healing process and hopefully take away a bit of the frustration connected with it.
Prelude [0:46]
It is a sad fact, that your healing process will never be as fast as you want it to be. Because it is annoying, exhausting and leaves you little room to live. But in the end we follow the same rule as in fitness: “To change yourself is very hard, as you are the material and the one changing it at the same time.” This will always be the most exhausting form of change - but also the most worthwhile one. And if you do it regularly it also isn’t always such a huge pile, that blocks you for such a long time. Yeah, something I also still try to internalize. Sadly with PTSD we don’t really have that option often. So like a kid who stuffed its mouth too full, we now have to find a way to slowly and carefully chew and swallow it - without making everything worse.
Zooming out on the progress [1:52]
I think one problem is, that we during our healing process view our progress way smaller than it is. It is like with a map, when you zoom all out, the covered distance appears rather small. But if you zoom closer, the covered distance becomes quite a lot more apparent. I think that it is so important to be aware of all you did. Really start making a list of all your achievements, small victories, etc. So you see how far you have gone. I think another problem we have, when we zoom to far out is, that we underestimate how long and hard the road we went was. It is a good idea to regularly write down or in any other way symbolize your current state. This way you can, if you feel like walking on the spot, trace your progress over time. Also a shorter distance bested in a storm will always be way more impressive than a long distance on a nice day. They shouldn’t be compared.
Forgive yourself/ Don’t be too hard on yourself [3:10]
It still is wise to occasionally take a break and just relax - to split up the block and gather some energies. Which feels counter intuitive. You are already running behind - why take a break? Because you are doing hard work. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are running in a storm - which is exhausting. It is important to take breaks and just relax - your brain needs those time outs to work. Because sadly if you burn yourself out - you just make yourself vulnerable for the next rough times. Which will come - sooner or later. Additionally if you are rested you have more energy and can tackle more. Also you can’t really control how fast you are healing - as you can only control how fast you can move, which might not be fast enough for your taste. But if you try too hard, all you end up doing is pressuring yourself. And, and I am aware this sounds easier than it is done, don’t pressure yourself. Yes, pressure is the worst thing you can do with mental illnesses. As it leads to your head being full and drains your barely existing energy. Despite us trying to forget it, we need our occasionally moments of sparks of happiness. Because unlike a machine you have mood, motivation … and needs. The occasionally happy spark is like a spring in the desert.
And you need that spring so you don’t collapse. We never move as fast as we would like, but the only real importance is, that we keep moving. No matter how small the steps.
Private Words [5:16]
I have to say, I am glad that my first appointment before court was with an really nice judge who truly cared about right and wrong. Still I will be honest, I am still not sure what happened and was agreed upon. One could tell me that they have decided to sell me into slavery and I wouldn’t be sure that the claim is wrong. It was truly overwhelming - despite the very kind judge. Still a lot came up I am still thinking about. Well at least I am now officially handicapped… jay? This is important for hopefully getting the assistance that I do need - sadly. Hope I can live as independent as I can as soon as possible. Well I will see for sure when the paper arrives in a week… and the bills. Doubt anything big will happen this year - but that is fine. I just hope for the best.
Outro [6:35]
That was it for todays episode. This week was… wild. For several reasons. I hope your week was better than mine. I am to be honest completely exhausted, but should be fine soon.
Nonetheless, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 28 - Manipulation: Am I wrong or are they? (III)
In this episode we talk about the age old question: Am I wrong or is everyone else? We first start with a simple experiment, that shows how strong the influence of the group around us can be. Then we talk about group pressure and standing your ground, which is hard, but not impossible. Then we are checking the logic step by step to make sure we are in the right and figure out the other person position. Ant in the end we ask for a time out.
Intro [0.00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about an age old question: Am I wrong or is everyone around me? No matter how sure we are, if everyone around us disagrees with us - doubt usually settles in. And not without reason, who never was convinced of something and it turned out to be wrong? Doubt is very helpful for checking our behavior and correct them if needed. But of course it is also used by those who want us to believe what their version is. No matter how far off reality it is. So, what is a good way to test if you are right? Well, lets try to find out.
Preamble [0:59]
There are so many jokes, stories, movies, you-name-it that deal with the premise, what if you are right/wrong while everyone around you is wrong/right. And for good reason: There is no clear answer. But through constantly asking the question we get closer and closer to a real answer. Because we might never have THE answer to it, but this way is the closest to getting it. But there ARE ways we can be pretty sure we are right, I would say to 95%, as statistically there are always 5% who deviate no matter the question. So what can we do to be sure? First we will talk about one of my favorite experiments regarding this topic, then about group pressure and standing your ground, then how to check the logic step by step and then we ask for a time out.
A simple experiment [2:01]
There is this absolutely wonderful experiment to this topic. A person who is auditioning for a role is set in a room full with other people auditioning - of course he is the only one there for that reason. The others ones are - naturally - actors or at least playing their part. He was instructed to learn the lines on the sheets he was given, which he does. After a while thick smokes come from a door leading to the room. Now this is of course a strong warning sign, but when he looks around, no one else responds to the smoke, so he continues learning the text. When the smoke surrounds them up to their stomaches - the same. He keeps looking at the other, but since they don’t do anything, neither does he. Even when the smokes almost blinds him and is unable to see the hand in front of his eyes - he stays as he is. Not daring to step out. Now the interesting part is: Once you learned about this - it is unlikely to happen.On contrast, if the test person is alone in that room, they almost always immediately jump up and alert someone about the smoke. The same social mechanic, that let the test person stay seated, is the same one we endure crazy things without a blink of an eye - as long everyone around us is OK with it.
Group Pressure and standing your ground [3:44]
Which leads us to to the first segment. Just because everyone around you thinks it is okay doesn’t mean it is. No news here, but if everyone around you thinks the answer is a different one, it is worth to check it. So first it is wise to determine the level of expertise the room has… and how high your expertise is. Let us say you barely ever baked before and are surrounded my semi regular bakers. If that is the case, they are most likely right. Except you got your information from a professional baker as in a secret trick many people don’t know… then it is up for debate. But if it worked for you, it likely is good. So the important part is where the SOURCE for your statement is coming from. And just to be clear, if it’s about your life, emotions, feelings, etc YOU have the highest expertise. No matter how old the other person is. Though even an expert is wise to at least listen what the other person has to say, sometimes even the expert is wrong. Usually with relationships and rose tinted glasses. But I would stick to the 5% rule here too. That is the essence of it: Listen to what they have to say, their arguments, if they just complain and downgrade it, then it’s not worth listening to. Take in their arguments and think about them. Though you should probably clear the argument first off all the side parts and false additions from it. Then check if it is worth investing time into it.
Check the logic step by step [5:37]
Then there is the most crucial step for answering the question who is right and who is wrong: To check your own logic step by step. Because even if they are wrong, doesn’t mean that you are right. There are many positions you can take to most things… and even more if you add all the false positions you can take. The same time it means even if you are right, they can be right too… so now what? So independent from the opinion of those around you, you need to internally check. Starting with the source: Is it reliable? It is still up to date? Does it apply here? Could it have become unreliable? Next your conclusion: Does it apply here? What proof can you provide? Did you overlook anything? Anything that backs it up? Could you be biased? - Just follow your logic and line of thought. Now to the other person. First and foremost you should get the basics out of the way: Do they have an agenda? Are they biased? Do they want something? Do they gain anything? Then of course the same with their source as with yours: Is it reliable? Is it still up to date? Does it apply here? Has it become unreliable? And the same of course with their conclusion. Does it apply here? What proof can they provide? Did they overlook anything? Anything that backs it up? Are they biased? And remember emotions don’t count. You are not responsible for them.
Ask for time out - a trap [7:33]
If you are in doubt just ask for a time out. This will make any form of manipulation hard to affect you. Also it gives you time to look things up and form an informed opinion.
This is also a bit of a trap, if someone refuses to give you time to think and come to a decision, then there is something wrong. Quite a red flag. Depending on the circumstances.
In the heat of the argument of course, that may slip, but it shouldn’t be the real opinion. Take your time. Also: It is OK to say “I don’t know”, because you will find it out.
Because just because YOU don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean the other person is right. Take the time to think and form an opinion. There is a lot to think about - after all.
Personal Words [8:34]
This is the first year when I am in complete chaos before Christmas. We had a lot of family drama, hospital visits, visits, organizational chaos and so on. Which for the first time made me be in total chaos. Well for my standards at least. I am wrapping up the last things, hopefully what I ordered will be here in time. Well at least the year stays consistent this way and ends as it was. Though I am sure I am not the only one, that has a bit of chaos going on before the holidays. They always seem to be so~o far away and suddenly you have several deadlines you have to take care of. But I absolutely love the lights everywhere and the Christmas markets. They are an absolutely wonderful thing. I just can’t wait to have all my things done and relax. The last weeks were a wild ride indeed. I hope you have all your deeds done before the fest and don’t have to rush for anything anymore before the holidays.
Outro [9:58]
That was it for todays episode, I hope it made things clearer. It is a topic you can write books about… or produce movies. Or a whole line of movies. I tried to cover all the important points. As usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 29 - A light in the darkness (Be your own support)
In this episode we talk about how to find the light in the darkness. The light within you. Or in other words: How to become your own cheerleader or support. This is important. Not just for PTSD, but for life in general. First we talk about celebrating our own victories and then how to handle our own negativity. I hope you have wonderful holidays.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a light in the darkness - which I thought was very fitting for the holidays. We are of course not talking about any light or candle or anything the like. We are talking about the light that keeps you afloat in the storm and your beacon in the dark night. The light within you or… helping you find the light within you, because it is all too easy to get lost in the dark. Or if you like a less metaphorical title: We talk about how to be your own cheerleader and support. For PTSD and of course the rest of your life after it. It is really helpful for life in general.
Prelude [0:59]
The sad reality of PTSD is; that we are often cut off from everyone around us. This isolation just makes us only more vulnerable. Even if we are surrounded by our loved ones - there is sometimes a wall. I don’t know if it is the depression, the PTSD or both who block us so effectively, but they succeed in making a hard road even harder. They are literally cutting us off from our support network. That is an excellent strategy. But luckily we are not completely cut off and we are not as helpless as this illness likes to make us believe. It is a matter of training and routine, but not especially hard. Sometimes a bit tricky, especially if you have been suffering for a long time. Finding the light in the darkness is important. Even after the cure it will help you weather other darknesses or storms. It is not just believing in yourself, but also stopping yourself from self destruction. And that alone betters the quality of life significantly. Life kicks you down enough, you really don’t need to help it. So… first we talk about celebrating our victories and then about how to override our own negativity.
Celebrate your victories [2:41]
It is important to celebrate your victories, if not in that moment, then in the evening. If you can, pause for a moment and give yourself a short praise for doing what you did. That can be WHATEVER you wanted to do. Clean up the shoes? Give yourself a small praise. You filled the dish washer? Give yourself a small praise. And so on. If you don’t have the possibility to do it in that moment, do it in the evening. Just before you go to bed, take a moment. Breathe. And think about all the good things you did on that day. This might even help you relax and sleep better. It is a good exercise to think about all the things you COULD do that day. We tend to ignore our little victories and enhance our short comings. So celebrate them - I think you might need it. And if you can, treat yourself afterwards with something. It can be some music you like, a piece of chocolate, a treat, a hug, whatever. It is important that we appreciate our own efforts. The sad reality is, that once you are no longer a child, you parents stop applauding and praising your little victories. So we need to do that now ourselves. Sadly, but that is a part of growing up.
Override your own negativity [4:21]
One thing you might have noticed, is the voice in your head, that tells you that you will fail or… worse things. This is also the voice that enhances negative statements made around you. And almost mutes the supportive voices around you. Once again I am not sure if it is depression, PTSD or both. Most likely those two combine it to make it worse. This voice isn’t really you. It just sounds like you. The good news is, that unlike in real life, it is trainable. Yes you can train this voice to do your bidding… by which I mean it will disappear. Or at least it did for me. That voice is like a child or dog… anytime it behaves wrong, correct it as soon as possible. It tries to tell you, that your cooking is bad? Tell it to F off. Your cooking is good as it is. The voice telling you how everyone will betray you? Tell it you are not the main character of a movie or book. The voice telling you, that the people around don’t love you? Tell it to shove it. The scenarios of this voice get worse and worse, the longer it get opportunity to talk. So shut it down as soon as you can. Take over control of the tone and voices in your head. You can do it. No matter what THEY tell you.
Private Words [6:12]
Today is Christmas! That means decorating the tree - like it is tradition in my family. This time around I have a ca. 50 cm or 19,7 inch fake tree - preferable with pets and my talent for accidents. Also everything was a bit on short notice. I left all my package boxes I received - mostly household items, cat food, etc. - and put them on a pile so to speak… and then put the tree atop of it. You know… because the presents are supposed to be under the tree. And as you can imagine how companies sometimes like to oversize package their things - its like a kitten atop of a big dog. I mean I know whats in there and all, but hey, I am all alone this Christmas and I least wanted to distract myself with presents. So after I upload this episode, I will cook the meal. And after that… it is time for presents - as it is tradition in these lands. Always preferred that over the waking up on the next morning, especially since I am a walking dead in the morning. So did my parents I think, because they know they would have had then to debate us, WHEN is morning. So all in all it will be a simple but happy celebration with my pets.
Outro [7:57]
I hope you will have wonderful days ahead of you - no matter which way or shape or form you plan to spend them. But nonetheless - I wish you great presents and awesome food.
And I wish you good company - most important thing of all. Doesn’t matter if the company is sitting next to you or is just there via screen - good company is good company.
And -naturally- I wish you good health and that you make the biggest amount of progress you can on your healing path. That was it for todays episode - I hope you liked it - if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 30 - How to plan the healing process
In this episode we learn how to plan the healing procress by making multiple steps plan, which is very helpful. We also talk about what those steps realisticly look like and get an example for it. Lastly we take about the importance of timing and why it is important for dealing with blocks. This is once again not just helpful for PTSD but generally how to tackle things and how to deal with bigger problems/plans/etc.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about how to plan your healing process, as there is a lot you can do to properly plan and optimize it. The question how do I heal myself is often tied to simple basic methods. As easy and simple as they are, they are a great help, and even a requirement often, for your healing process. It is one of those things, once you know, it is obvious and easy, but before that it is a book with several locks. So let us look into it.
Prelude [0:47]
It is new years eve and with that usually comes the new years resolutions. There are several classics, which usually rarely work out as intended. But the new years eve IS a good time to look back and ahead. It is a great time to reflect on the next year and lay out a path for the next one. Especially for the ones suffering from PTSD… how do we best tackle this nightmare? How do we best move forward? Naturally there are no solutions for everyone, but I thought I use this opportunity to help people plan out their healing a bit better. There are a few things that are corner stones of the healing process. So we first talk about making a multiple step plan, describe what are realistic steps and why timing is everything.
Multiple Step Plan [1:50]
We talked before about how it is better to split something up into smaller bits. It is also one of the core elements on how to get rid of PTSD, by taking it bit by bit until its gone - instead of swallowing it as a whole. It is nothing new, but let us take a closer look nonetheless. It is wiser generally to reduce one big step to several smaller ones. The amounts depends on what makes sense - of course. This way instead of failing to take such a huge step and needing many attempts - you can take several of the small ones and continue any time. This way the hurdle becomes significant smaller. So what would that look like for an everyday routine? A simple example would be building up a furniture. Yes - you should better do it in one rush. But you could stop in any step and continue later on.Another would be cleaning up the room. Instead of seeing that huge pile of work that is the room. It is better to just either do one step like ‘collect the trash’ or ‘getting the dirty clothes’. Then it depends on the person. Some go simply - literally - step by step - starting from the door. Other will target the infamous storage chair, then the desk, then the ground and so on.
Realistic steps of healing [3:32]
So far so good, but what are realistic steps for healing from PTSD? The healing process isn’t linear and clear, so what steps could we set up for ourselves? As measuring the healing process is hard enough on itself. Well, we basically hit 2 birds with 1 stone. We follow the steps above to the point, that we don’t try too big of a step. What a big step is, is - of course- dependent on the extremely of your PTSD, so adapt accordingly. Also just focus on 1 thing. Otherwise your attention is spread too far and you won’t be effective. That doesn’t mean you can’t try to fix several things, but focus on one and keep the pool of the others small. I also would recommend going for positive things instead of negative ones. Rather: I will do something productive, instead of I won’t be unproductive today. Also don’t be too strict to yourself. Let us continue with this example and create steps for it. Depending on your state the step “I will try to do something productive” is a first step. The next would be to seriously attempt it. Then the next would be to partially do it. And the next one is to almost complete it. And the final step for the first segment is to actually do it. Then you try to do 1 thing for 2 days straight. The next step are 3 days. And so on. At one point you might want to add a second productive thing. So that would be, to try 2 productive things on one day. Next step is 2 productive things on 2 days straight… and so on. This way you have concrete goals you can aim for and work towards. Instead of I want to be more productive, you have clear objectives. It might also be wise to separate such a big topic, like our example, into different segments. Like we did in our example, by using the segment “succeeding at one”, “succeeding at one in a row” and “two in a row”.
Timing is everything - when to strike [5:57]
Another important thing is timing. Yes - timing is very important. Because everything fluctuates while you are healing. Sometimes you will feel very energetic and its good to do some things. But not all, because then you just burn yourself out and make yourself vulnerable for the next bad times. Our brain has blockades in front of the things we want to do - but can’t - because it is blocked. That can be cooking, going outside, whatever. The thing is: Those blockades are not up at the same time. Your brain can only block things so much at once. So you really need to learn how to check those blocks. This way you can easily find out, when it is time to do what. Something is completely blocked? Not doable then. But oh, that other thing? Barely a block, so lets do this. This way you use less energy doing them. You are being more effective, most likely faster and energy efficient. This helps speeding up the healing process and making it overall a more pleasant experience. Not a pleasant one, but more pleasant. With a bit of routine you will very easily be able to tell when the best time to what is. And what is blocked and what isn’t. You have only limited time and energy, being efficient is crucial. But also don’t forget to reward yourself. I know it seems trivial and unimportant compared to the pile of problems. But you are a human being with feelings. Reward yourself a little bit after each step. This way you stay motivated, have more energy and overall are in a better state. Which usually leads to better sleep. Which then leads to more energy. Don’t underestimate the power of rewards and breaks.
Private Words [8:06]
The time between the years is really a weird one, isn’t it? Somehow nothing happens. For me it was rather the other way around. Completely burned myself out during the holidays.
For once not really my fault, as much as I was low energy, it was my surrounding that caused the issues. Doesn’t really matter, in the end I couldn’t cook until a day later and was completely exhausted. That still echoes, but it gotten a lot better. I swear to everything that is sacred to me, that I hadn’t such chaos in my life for years. I have been tempted a lot in the last weeks to think I am in the Truman show. I kind of gave up on the thought on normality for a while… and just go along with it. Otherwise I got quite a few things done and of course I keep working towards progress. IF life lets me - that is. But as annoying as this whole ordeal is - it is just that. Annoying. It only delays everything and as long it is only that, it is just annoying and everything will be fine.
Outro [9:30]
That was it for todays episode - I hope you liked it. I also hope you guys start the next year with a good slide, as we like to say here in Germany, and your wishes come true. As far as they can of course. That was definitely an interesting year… I hope the next one will be less… dramatic. I hope it was better for you. Either way, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 31 - Rewrite your brain (change yourself)
In this episode we learn to rewrite our brains or how to change yourself or how to change your habits or the like.
As one can imagine, this is useful beyond (C-)PTSD and can help you in many aspects of your life. This episode just explains the process and how it works. Deeper dives might happen in the future.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about rewriting your brain or changing yourself. This is obviously important - especially if you want to recover from such a severe illness. This topic is basically a continuation from last episode, where we talked about how to plan your healing path. Now we talk about how to actually change. It might appear rather complicated, but it is very simple once you get the hang of it. This is basic knowledge you can use again use and need throughout your life. Let’s talk about it.
Prelude [0:48]
Once again we are talking about a question that keeps appearing in almost every media: Is the human capable of changing itself? And the answer is: Yes, but damn is it hard. You are the sculptor and the stone. That makes it a pretty exhausting and time consuming act. I have hinted and shortly covered it before and I thought it was a fitting follow up to last weeks episode. So how do we change? The most important factor for that is, that you really need to want it. And I mean it. Not: Saying you want to change something, but unwilling to change anything. But also don’t try to change too much or the brain resets it. We can’t change other people or making them change, they must want it. But we DO can change ourselves. Our brain is similar to a computer or book if you want to. You can rewrite and change things. But you must understand how the writing progress works. Once something is learned, the brain is usually rather unwilling to unlearn what it learned. The reason why it is so important to keep kids save from bad influences. So first we are going to talk about how the writing progress works and how you can train yourself.
How the writing progress works [2:19]
So how does the writing progress works? Well each time you make an experience, learn something or the like, the brain writes down the knowledge it gained from it. That can also be wrong knowledge. The more often this knowledge is repeated, the stronger and bigger it is represented in your mind. So to change it, you must take one of those knowledge lines and replace it with a new one. The thing is, you can’t cheat. You can’t just write ANYTHING there, you can only replace it with a new experience or the like based knowledge. Otherwise we could just tell ourselves everything is fine. Which it isn’t. For example. If you walked always only leaning on your left leg. You have that knowledge imprinted for each time you took a step leaning on your left leg. So now you have to walk leaning on both legs. Each step is rewriting one step leaning on your left leg. Now before you worry, rewriting is actually faster than writing it originally. Especially if the new knowledge is more beneficial to you. So you don’t have to worry that if you trained wrong for 5 years, that you need to train 5 more years to turn it back. But it also won’t happen over night. In my estimate it should be 1/10 or less. There are many factors going into this. How much was the original writing enforced? Was it instilled? Was it consistent? How far off is the new knowledge form the old on? And so on.
How to train yourself. [4:03]
But definitely the core aspect of rewriting is the regularly repetition. You want an example? Eat an apple (or whatever of your choosing) each day at the same time, place and best after an activity. Soon you should feel the need for an apple around that time and after the activity. This also works the other way around, we can train ourselves we only want to eat unhealthy things. But that is another topic. That is also the reason why rewarding yourself after you succeed at doing something is so important, it enhances the new learned knowledge. Now the physical thing is easy enough. But what about psychological? And that is where it becomes a bit more tricky. I know it sounds silly, but: By thinking about it. This can be achieved alone or with the help of others. The most common way is to talk with a friend to get their opinion. But those are also limited. Or you read someone else's experience with that topic. Each time you reach a ‘real’ conclusion you rewrite something. Even if you don’t feel like you have gotten it all figured out. It is enough to come to any conclusion. So each time you rechew a topic - you are changing the line written down. It is important to nut just expose yourself to the knowledge, but actively engage in it. I mean do you agree? If yes why? With all? With what do you not agree? Why? What about aspects? Another good version are movies. Some movies are able to talk about what we feel, without talking about it.
I usually feel drawn to those movies and series… not sure how to best describe it, but there is suddenly the need to watch it. Either way, the engagement with the topic is the important part.
Private Words [6:12]
I had yesterday the pleasure to be suddenly without electricity. It is bad enough in the summer, but in winter, it means sitting in the darkness. Especially if you don’t know where your candles are.It took at least 7 hours. I still don’t know what the issue was, but they dug up a huge hole between the 2 apartment complex houses that were affected. Half a day was lost.
You really don’t know how blocked you are without electricity until you suddenly are without. But to be honest I was just mostly annoyed that I couldn’t get anything done. I knew it would be fine. The biggest worry I had, that they wouldn’t be done before finishing time and just leave. Everything else was solve able, maybe annoying, but that is it. The only really stupid part was the doorbell. Yep, also didn’t work. So my package is now in a package shop I can’t reach. Well, what now? Besides that we all sat next to our Christmas LED lights, who used batteries… and maybe some candles. The house was in an uproar - so much activity I haven’t heard in a while. Sitting in the dark really is depressing. So… praise the light … and always have your mobile at least 50% loaded.
Outro [7:47]
That was it for todays episode. A bit short, but that was an “interesting” start into the new year. I really hope that isn’t a sign of how the rest of the year is going to go down. Hope you had a better start into the new year. But hey, there a light at the end of the tunnel. Which is the most important thing. With that being said, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 32 - Why breaks are important
In this episode we talk about why breaks are important, though not only for PTSD. We first talk a bit why breaks are generally a good thing, then we talk about how breaks help our brain sort things out and then we talk about how it helps with our PTSD especially.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the importance of breaks and yes - I am aware that this statement coming from me is a bit ironic, but please, hear me out. Most people think that taking a break is a waste of time, some even call it dead time and that it means you didn’t use your time well and being inefficient. That is not an accurate assessment and actually the opposite is pretty much true - well as long it is not too extensive. This is once again helpful for all of your life - so let us talk about it
Prelude [0:47]
I will be honest, I hate being unproductive. It doesn’t matter if in real life or in games or anywhere. And I do still struggle with it. So if I say it is important, I mean it. And I know how hard it is. I think the hardest hurdle to overcome is the notion, that taking a break means you are not being productive. Because actually you are being very productive, if you worked before the break in whatever shape or form. The thing is, there is a wrong way to do breaks. At least the ones that are effective. The key is to drain your brain as little as possible, while keeping your body busy. Like splitting wood, knitting, cooking, etc. Something that your body can do basically automatically without you having to really think about it. TV, games, etc are maybe good for stress relief, but your brain is still fed information and won’t start working. It is like the brain is the cleaning crew of a shop, venue, etc, which of course can only start working, once everyone left. Another good way is meditating… but that is a topic on and of itself. So in this episode we talk about how breaks help your brain and with your PTSD.
How breaks help the brain [2:17]
For a very long time science believed that while we sleep our brain would take a break and recover from the strains of the day - but then it was found out, that the brain is doing the complete opposite. While we sleep our brain goes into full working mode and deals with the things that happened over the day. So instead of taking a break, the brain is responsible for the night shift - so to say. So while the saying, we shouldn’t wait for something to happen to us, but shape the fate ourselves is absolutely true - the sayings like “if you rest, you rust” are false in the literal sense. Rest makes you progress. When you are resting, you brain space - so to speak - gets emptied and your brain uses this opportunity to deal with old stuff. This is also why flashbacks, memories popping up, etc are more likely to occur then. These are the moments - in my experience - where the greatest progress is achieved. Of course the brain can only work on something that is there, the brain will not just solve all the issues, because it has time. You have to prepare it, by reading, nibbing of the trauma, thinking about your situation and so much more. And resting of course is the time where the brain stores knowledge, learned routines, processes stuff and so on. So the brain basically tries to solve the issues on its own unless it learned or was told something before, that it now executes. Sometimes even on hundreds or even thousands of similar cases. So resting is more a “let you brain work in peace and don’t disturb it”- time. Which is of course extremely important. For processing anything, not just PTSD.
How breaks help with trauma/PTSD? [4:22]
But breaks especially help with PTSD, as it is an overflow of your brain - and your brains basically being incapable of containing it all. Like in a movie? When all the animals by accident got send loose by the intern? And the whole movie he tries to catch them all? That is your brain. But exactly like the intern the strategy of containing it is bad. So it basically just runs back and forth trying to contain the chaos - and failing to do so. Now how do breaks help the brain deal with trauma or PTSD? Well imagine a garage. And each time your trauma causes a situation it can’t really put somewhere without the trauma being resolved, it puts it in the garage. Now with time those little boxes add up quite neatly and soon you can barely move in it. Now sooner or later you try to do something in your garage (or brain), but its too crammed and you can’t do it properly. That is usually when the PTSD breaks out, as figuratively a pile gets accidentally pushed over and all spills out all over the place. The brain looses the control and those weird symptoms appear in your life. So if we now give our brain a break and have started unpacking the trauma - as explained before - the brain will now start clearing up the garage. The more time and energy we give the brain for that, the better of course. At first it will only be able to deal with the small boxes, but once it cleared enough of those, the bigger boxes can be dealt with. That can also be fresh incoming ones, that were just handed to you. But because there is now more space again, there is enough room to deal with it, without accidentally pushing over a pile again. This way putting the trauma in its supposed place and keeping the order.
Private Words [6:35]
As I mentioned before, I love being productive. That is why I especially enjoy it, if I can cook. Usually at the moemnt only some basic recipes, but it is what it is. During cutting the vegetables I have time to think. Especially since it takes me a lot longer than most to cut them. And as previous mentioned, this is a great time for the brain to find some really old boxes, that haven’t been opened yet. And some boxes that were deeply buried and couldn’t be opened before, now could be. Denial is sadly not just a river in Egypt. Also some things we only understand after having some distance to them. It broke my heart. Or I didn’t admit before how much it broke my heart. Either way, my heart is still bleeding. It is getting better, but some things… we just wish we never knew. I just want to be back to full strength now to be able to do what I want to do. But one thing after another. As usual.
Outro [8:16]
That was it for today episode, I hope you enjoyed it and see now the advantages of taking a break now and then. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 33 - Could I have Depression?
Do you just feel... low battery? Like you have barely enough energy to do everyday things? Everything seems to be just different shades of grey? With a few sprinkles of color here and there? Does your favorite food doesn't taste anymore like it did? The games you once loved to play are just not really fun anymore? Or the book you liked to read? Do you find it hard to motivate yourself doing... anything really?
If those question somehow ring a bell within you, then it is likely you have depression. So let us talk about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about depression and why the notion, that depression means being sad is not accurate. It is more of a feeling of emptiness, hopelessness and no energy. The confusion surely comes that the word depressed is often associated with feeling really sad. But actually feeling sad can be a sign that you don’t have a depression. At least not a severe one. As usually that means you feel such a void that you are beyond sadness. So let us talk about depression and if any of that sounds familiar to you. Especially if a voice in your head told you after the last sentence, that it most likely won’t be the case. So let us get into it.
Prelude [1:01]
It is the most common companion of PTSD, to be honest I have yet to witness a case without it. It is not surprising as depression is caused by feeling at mercy with the situation you are in. Usually most depression disappear or get at least greatly reduced once the person becomes aware or gets in control of their life situation. Which the depression wants to prevent to happen at any cost. So the best way is to never have a depression. Which is of course impossible to control. It’s because once you have it, you will have to fight against low energy, depressive thoughts, sabotage of support and so much more. Depression is a dirty fighter, who will sabotage, lie, cheat and scoop to so far unknown lows. But the most sinister thing, it hides and denies its existence. That is why it is important to be aware. It is hard to fight against depression, but even harder if you are unaware you are suffering from it. That is why we first talk about the physical symptoms, then the emotional and social ones.
Physical Symptoms [2:24]
First we will start off with the physical symptoms. Do you just feel… low battery? Like it is barely enough to do the everyday stuff, but everything else just seems like too much? A heaviness in your muscles? Like it is almost too much effort to get even out of bed? Especially finding the motivation to do so? That is one of the symptoms. But the clear trend is to stop you form doing ANYTHING. Be it sports, hobbies, social events and the like. You will now have no more energy to do those and even if you do, you brain won’t reward you for doing those things anymore like it used to do. Depression sabotages the reward center of your brain and stops from rewarding endorphins being send out in the right amount. So instead of feeling great after it, you feel just… empty. But you also will be weaker, not just feeling weaker, but actually being weaker. For example you will most likely feel more easily cold or unwell. This includes also being more vulnerable to getting sick. It is almost like your body is also told by the depression to stop defending itself and that it is weak.
Emotional Symptoms [3:53]
Second we get to the emotional symptoms. Do you feel empty? Like your whole inside is just … empty? Almost like a void? That is usually one of the most standing out symptoms of depression. But it does more than that. It reduced the positive emotions, almost like a pillow in front of a speaker dampens the sound. This includes the love you feel. For your partner, for your hobby, for your pets and the like. So instead of love you just feel an echo of the love that once was there. And you don’t know why. It is like form a scale form 1 to 10 all your emotions were reduced to one. At least the good ones. The negative ones get enhanced. Which results in you perceiving your mistakes as great when they are minor and you feeling alone when surrounded by loved ones. Feeling misunderstood by everyone. It also enhances the feelings of loneliness and isolation. This is to make you more vulnerable for its effects and further lower your defenses. But if you ask me, that feeling of nothing is the worst. It is kind of painful, but it is hard to describe. It somehow makes it worse if you try to describe it. I just felt so at mercy to this unknown force. Depressions are the worst. Period.
Social symptoms [5:38]
Last but not least we will talk about social symptoms. And I don’t mean that your social life suffers from it - it does. But it is more than just that. Depression actively sabotages relationships. We just talked about how your feelings of love are being reduced by depression, but it goes even further than that. It manipulates how you perceive other people. It will make you think no one cares. It achieves that by reducing the positive feedback you usually receive form a smile or a positive gesture and mutes the hell out of it. Like I said scaling it down to 1 on a scale of 10. But it doesn’t end there. It now also increases the negative feedback up to a 10 on a scale of 10, no matter the gesture. A slight eye roll is now a visible sign of disgust and disliking. And most likely he never liked you in the first place. So people who are acting pretty neutral towards you, you will now perceive as being hateful, negative, rejecting, maybe even hostile and so on. A sign of disagreement becomes a sign of aggression. This way it effectively sabotages the communication with the people around you, this way isolating you and making you feel alone, isolated and on edge nonstop. And sadly also unloved and unlovable. Everything you seem to do, just doesn’t really cut it. We are social being, being isolated like that has physical and psychological side effects. That is a really hard road. Treat carefully and watch yourself.
Last words [7:36]
If this sounds at least somewhat familiar, I recommend you getting support, as the fight is unfair. Besides that, I just wanted to repeat what is so important: You are doing an awesome job. It is so hard to fight against a flood with nothing else than your bare hands to go against it. You are neither worthless nor weak nor a failure nor a horrible person nor unlovable.
I had depressions since I was a small child, even severe ones on several occasions in my life, after I dealt with all my stuff of the past it is luckily a rare occasion. And I am so grateful for that. Depression is the worst. There is this awesome owl poster I will link in the description. I think it helped a lot of people and I hope it will anyone who needs to read it.
The core message: You are not weak. It takes a lot to be able to hold out against depression and all you ask for is a stick, so you can do it better. And I also think this is really brave.
So hang in there and it will get better, no matter what that little bastard of a illness is telling you. Once you broke out, you will see how muddled your view was and distorted your way of life. I hope you break out of it as soon as possible.
Private Words [9:13]
Next to the row of houses, where my apartments house is, there is a construction site for the new row of houses just like the one I am living in. Yes, I am living in a newly build house.
Which is fortunate because sadly I am REALLY sound sensitive and the more newly build (as in after 2000) tend to be better isolated. And because of the area, the price of the rent is alright, compared to everything. It was a miracle I got this flat, especially so much on short notice and with no income, dog, etc. Also it is basically on the border of the city - so I am fast in the fields and can walk my dog. But I do have to say, that construction site REALLY is sometimes a PITA. Oh you want to record? Let me sing you the song of my people. It goes sometimes from barely noticeable to my furniture vibrating. It will be done in a few weeks to months - so they say and I hope. But besides that, it is a perfect flat for in between lives. Here I can carefully spread my wings and learn to fly again. And see where it takes me.
Outro [10:43]
That was it for todays episode, I hope it gave some clarity regarding this foul player. As said, please don’t hesitate to get help. In whatever way, shape or form. And of course, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 34 - Could I have a trauma?
Many are unsure if what they went through is really a trauma. Especially if it didn't was this one big time event. There are obvious traumas, the more gray ones and there is a nice trick you can use to try to find them. So in this episode we try to shed a bit of light on that.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the possibility of having a trauma - as this is not as obvious as some people might think. You know when you have a cut wound, you can easily look for it and see it. But everything we can’t see is difficult to be sure about, as we are very limited in our ways to find out if our assumption is correct. Often we also lack the self confidence. Not surprisingly. And this question is one of the most trickiest to answer, because it relies on a brutal honest truthful self reflection. That is very difficult, especially if you are already feeling down. So let us talk about it and shed a bit of light on this situation.
Prelude [0:59]
The definition of a trauma “that would cause deep disturbance to almost everyone” I always felt was a non answer. What am I supposed to do with that information? Also it is kind of useless with childhood abuse. I would haves sworn until my 23rd year that what happened to me was completely normal and wouldn’t even had considered, that it could cause a disturbance within ANYONE. I didn’t even consider it worth mentioning. It was as normal as brushing teeth. Something I was taught not to mention, but was so common it happens in basically every household. You learn what is normal when you are a child. No matter how not normal it is. For most it seems like that they don’t know they suffered from a trauma until they get the first symptoms of PTSD. Knowing your trauma helps tremendously with your healing process. It is the source of it all. Otherwise you are guessing until you hit the truth. So let us look into the option of having a trauma. We start with the obvious ones, then we got over the not so obvious ones and a trick to lure the truth out.
The obvious ones [2:19]
There are some clear cases - luckily. Basically everything dealing with death is a trauma, could be a small easily self solve able trauma, but still a trauma. The closer you were to that person, the bigger the trauma. Any form of torture of course also immediately counts as one - which I will go deeper into in a later episode. It is not as clear cut as you might think, torture doesn’t just happen in torture champers of dictators. Also clearly a trauma is any form of regularly (aka not once a year etc.) violence against you. That could be spanking, anything. It might not result in a PTSD - though often trauma smolder below the surface. Once again, the more regularly and intense, the stronger the trauma. I want to add, that if you are a child, it doesn’t matter if an adults shouts at you or hit you. Both times it is abuse - as both are threatening. Lastly any tragic experience, be it a car crash, someone having an harmful accident, strong suffering and so on. It doesn’t matter if you only though you were facing death or a lot of suffering. It is a clear trauma. As a rule of thumb, I would go with anything that you wouldn’t explain to someone who is below twelve years old. Or at least not in blatant terms.
The not so obvious ones [4:01]
So now let us address the more gray versions of trauma. This is most often trauma that happened in our childhood, emotional abuse, neglect and so on. The ones that happened and you are not really sure. You might not see it as a trauma because it doesn’t seem significant enough. But a trauma isn’t one thing, it is like building with Lego. The pieces may be small, but they add quickly to a structure. So if you add daily things happening over a long period of time… and I mean EVERY incident, that is also a trauma. It really doesn’t need that one big bad thing that happened. Small things adds up. Like Lego. You don’t have to justify yourself by being traumatized by those many little things. This is not a court, there is no judge. The end sum is important, not the subtotal. The important question is: Did it hurt you? Did you feel uncomfortable? Or did you even feel horrible afterwards? Did it feel wrong? Was your no ignored? Where your boundaries ignored? It also doesn’t matter if you where the physical stronger person in that consolation, that doesn’t mean you feelings are invalid. Even if you theoretically could just have dominated them. There is a good reason there exists the thing called psychological warfare. I feel like most underestimate it’s affect in our every day lives.
Trick to lure the truth out [5:42]
That is all good and well, but how can you get a bit of a confirmation that there might be something that is… off. This is a little exercise, you need to say it out loud. Not shout it but in a firm voice. Focus on what you are saying. It is basically a trick to make you catch yourself lying. If the denial is very strong it still might not work, but it is definitely worth a shot. So let’s go.
First “I feel completely save and secure at home”.
Second “I know I can trust my partner and my partner wouldn’t do anything that could harm me”
Third “I know my parents love me and care for my wellbeing.”
Forth “I am at balance and peace with myself”
Fifth “Nothing of my past is burdening myself” - You might have heard it. That statement is not true for me at the moment.
Sixth “I can be myself and express myself like I want”
Seventh “I can look myself in the mirror with clear conscience”
The point of this is to really try to say it… and see if you can even say it. Our language and emotional brain areas are close to one another. So, be honest. Can you make those statements truthfully? I recommend you continue the line of thought and formulate your own sentences to find out what is going on.
Private Words [7:34]
I have that little habit of mine to cheer me up - looking at wedding dresses. Yeah, I know I know. But I absolutely love them. There are a piece of art. The amount of work, detail and the creativity. It is not like I am looking for wedding inspiration myself, as I don’t see it as THE moment of my life. For me it is more about the dresses and how the people feel about it. They are SO happy. I love that wedding dresses make people happy and beam that happiness on the pictures. I am on the subreddit where people share their pictures of their dresses and much more. I love how everyone finds something fitting, despite their styles being so different - as is their interpretation of a perfect wedding. I am happy for them and partake a bit in their immense joy. Always make my heart melt and lightening my mood. A small island of happiness.
Outro [8:41]
That was it for todays episode. It is rather likely, that I will revisit this topic, as my understanding and knowledge of this topic will surely keep growing.
But I did want to put out this episode, because I think it is really important to know.
So be it for this topic or overall, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 35 - Silence (I) - Break the Silence/Taboo
In this episode we will talk about silence. THE silence. The silence that you need to break usually, when you try to talk abotu your trauma/PTSD/etc. Where does the Silence come from? Why is it harming the victims and aiding abusers? We talk about why it is so hard to break the Silence and if we even have to break the silence.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about silence. THE silence. The silence that you need to break if you want to talk about any side topic that is generally not talked about. It is the thing that keeps people silent and makes it so hard for us to talk about it. Any of it. Many insecurities stem from it. And it is wrong. The silence only harms the victims. That is why it is so important to talk about things, that normally no one really talks about. Because silence can be filled with anything, but a statement has to be contradicted. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:52]
There are a lot of reasons why people don’t come forward when they were raped, but the one I want to draw now attention to, is, that they didn’t wanted to have to admit, they had sex. No matter how wanted or unwanted it was. Because even talking about sex is such a big hurdle to take, that they don’t dare to do it. The silence becomes an impenetrable wall.
And it doesn’t matter how close the ones you are trying to reach are - they are now out of reach. A person who suffered a trauma has it hard enough as it is to speak about what happened. There is no need to make it even harder. What is often referred to as silence is the taboo. You don’t talk about that. You don’t say things like that. Only xyz kind of people say something like that. The only thing that helps is educating and breaking the taboos. The more common it is to talk about something, the more likely are people coming forward and share their experience. So, first we talk about why it is so hard and then we ask if we have to break the silence.
Why is it so hard? [2:11]
So we start with a question that is accurate for SO many topics “Why is it so hard?”. I have mentioned it before, we are social beings. Autonomous herd beings. Means we can act independently, but prefer being in a group. We are actually pretty good in team work and at our strongest when we work together. The group gives us strength, protection and companionship. That is most of the time, really important to us. In fact most of the time we act in response to the group. Thinking and acting independently from the group is hard, as you have to carve your own path. So many fear nothing more than to lose the group. That can be a long standing group or a freshly made one. We don’t like to stand out, if we are unsure about what to do. We don’t want to look ridiculous. And loose the favor of the group. That is why in an emergency situation when too many people are present, no one will help. Because no one dares to step and stand out. That is why in first aid it is taught to be specific with giving out tasks. Not “Someone call an ambulance” - no - “You sir, with the blue shirt and the black jeans, call an ambulance!”. This way you take over responsibility for the situation and he is not to blame. He just did as he was told. The same things happens reverse for victims, they would need to step out of the group and stand before it and declare something about a taboo. Most likely they will be hit with rejection and attacked. So most stay silent and that is rather wisely. People already wounded shouldn’t need to step out and break the taboo. In their weakened state they can’t properly defend themselves. That is why it is so hard.
Do I have to break the silence? [4:16]
When it is so hard, do I even HAVE to break the silence? Yes - for yourself. Do I recommend speaking out? - No. — Not until you completely recovered from your trauma and are stable enough for it. Otherwise the ground you stand on is too wonky and even a half skilled person can make you fall. But you have to break the silence, at least to someone. Otherwise you bottle everything up. Like I mentioned many times before, we are social beings. We need to exchange ourselves, especially if we are struggling or in pain. If there is really no one you could talk to, I recommend writing it down. If you are afraid that someone might find it, you can burn or destroy the pages, after you have written them. Important is that you wrote them down. So they are not locked up in your own head. Being able to speak is like being able to breath after holding your breath for a very long time. Especially if you are also under a lot of pressure and stress. Give yourself a moment to just breathe. The problem with silence is, that everyone can interpret it in any way, shape or form as they want. There isn’t a clear sign set by silence. Sometimes an obvious one, but not a clear one. Additionally abusers fill the silence with their own interpretation, this way convincing the victim that their environment agrees with what is happening or the like. Their creativity rarely knows any bounds. Silence leads to a wall that the victim has to break through to get help and the abuser can use to isolate the victim and shape the situation in whatever way wanted. The silence needs to be broken.
Private Words [6:29]
I will address the elephant in the room. The Corona virus. I admit I am worried. Though not so much for my wellbeing - everyone outside of china seems to be having it quite good under control. Though after the way Ebola was handled, I am a bit worried about that. But I am optimistic they learned. Many won’t understand why this virus is so concerning - others have played plague inc. I am worried because my father lives in South-East-Asia and in a nation were many Chinese people live. Does it give me sleepless nights? No, but he is my father and naturally I am a bit worried. The situation of the virus is a strange one. Somehow it is everywhere… and nowhere at the same time. Is the situation reason to worry? - Yes. Is the situation reason for panicking? - Definitely not. As dangerous as a virus infection it, it is contained, the virus exposed. The treatment even now in more cases successful than the amount of deaths. It is the time to be vigilant and having an eye on the situation. As one should in a potential threatening virus making the road. Besides that, we can only live our lives and hopefully we get that vaccine soon. I hope everyone gets well as soon as possible.
Outro [8:15]
That was it for todays episode. I hope I could break a bit the silence regarding this topic. I know how hard it is for most to speak something into the silence - it is like fighting an invisible wall. So, and I mean it the way I say it, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 36 - Silence (II) - Don't say a word
In this episode we talk about silence, this time the one that is forced upon the victim from the abuser.We go over how the silence is used and how it gets established by the abuser. Ensuring that the victim remains silent is one of the central methods of abusers - so it is important to know about it and how it is done.
/s = sarcasm
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about Silence - this time about the silence we are forced into by the abusers. This was ensuring that the abuse remains a secret and the victim as powerless as possible. I won’t try to tell you how to treat this or let go of it, as I think that would go beyond one episode, instead we will be focusing on talking about it and its mechanics to get a better understanding. This will help you to get more immune to similar things in the future and where to place that sort of treatment in your mind. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:49]
To this day I am still affected by it. There was the promise of incredible pain and even death, if I say something. I did and paid a horrible price. To this day I am affected by those many years of being forced to silence. If I get too upset or emotional, my lips become sealed. I literally can’t speak anymore. It has gotten better, but something burned like this into you over a decade, won’t disappear in a few years. Especially if your survival depended on it. It is really like they are sewn shut, which is really frustrating for my friends - as they want to know what is wrong so they can mend things. As people who care for you should. There were also others, who wanted me to remain silent, but without those drastic consequences. They just made obvious that “no one” was interested in what I had to say. I had a “lovely” environment growing up. /s These are habits and lessons taught during the abuse, that you need to unlearn and relearn healthy alternatives. I talked about in episode 31 ‘rewrite your brain’. It is really surprising how hard hurting habits are to break. Before we start: Your voice is valuable. Just as valuable as the voice of everyone else. I recommend being around people who like your voice and you like their voice. So, first we start with the uses of the silence and then how it is established.
What uses has the silence? [2:38]
It is rather obvious what purpose the silence has. But just so we have it all covered, we go over the main plots.
First it prevents the victim from being able to rally support or call for allies. Isolating someone is usually the best way to make that someone as weak as possible. Taking their voice away of sorts.
Second, they can fill the narrative. Why is person x not talking to you? Well if you got no reason, the abuser can tell you any reason. Most likely to either trust the abuser more, make him stronger, you weaker and so on.
Third, you can’t use silence as evidence. Like I said yesterday, silence might be a hint but never a clear sign. This way can be used to confuse and get away with the abuse, as nothing clear was said.
Forth, so they can determine the narrative afterwards. Clearly the silence was a sign of the abusers disapproval of what is happening. And it is hard to argue against that, isn’t it? So you get gaslighted and insecure.
The silence treatment is also a form of punishment and not without reason. If you are unsure in such a situation… demand an answer. Even if a wink with “you know what I mean” or the like is given - stay on your course. So - in summary - the silence is mainly used to confuse and gaslight the victim, letting the abuser keep a mostly white west and being able to shift all the blame to the victim. Who often don’t dare to oppose the abuser.
How is the silence established? [4:32]
But how is the silence usually established? There are three ways. The direct, indirect and the passive way. Going from obvious to not obvious. Usually the passive are the more manipulative ones… unsurprisingly.
First the direct one: “If you say something, I am going to harm you.” Pretty straight forward. The key is to make an believable threat to actually keep the victim quiet. The key here is blank fear.
Second the indirect one: “You know, if I ever did something, no one would believe I did it.” Did he just say what I think he said? A lot nonverbally happening. The key is making the victim as insecure as possible.
Third the passive one: That is most sinister one and hardest to describe. It is basically making the victim feel out of place whenever they say or do something. The key is to confuse the victim as much as possible.
You might be treated with one or up to all three versions. Some more frequent than others. All of them have the purpose to discourage the victim from speaking about it. This way it stays a secret. Then there is always the nice addition of involving others. Be it coworkers, neighbors, etc, but of course he best are the enablers - who the abuser can use and play like he wants. Either way. They are used the enhance and magnify the version of the abuser. This way giving you the impression YOU are the abusive or weird one. YOU are the one going against the group. YOU are the one in the wrong. Unless it is enablers, than those people are often not even aware that they ARE helping with abuse. Abusers are often very good in spinning the narrative into a version THEY prefer. And the silence they use is REALLY helping them.
Private Words [6:42]
I am sadly in the position again, that I am sick. Not really sick. More the exhaustion form of sick. It sucks. You can’t really do anything and your pile of work just gets bigger. It’s frustrating. But that is how it is. I also know WHY I am sick. Because at the moment, there a lot of things in my life that make me sick. I am removing those elements, but they can only be removed slowly and one at a time. So patience is needed. Which has never been my strongest suit. Though if I look at my overall situation, I am actually doing pretty well. Which is a huge relief. And I am also learning and exploring - which is a new sensation. I broke out of the cage and now slowly spreading my wings. So I shouldn’t be upset that I can’t fly yet, but happy that I can finally stretch my wings and enjoy that feeling after being stuck in the cage for so long. But as usual - and typical human - I just see the sky above me and just want to fly like the others. That is sadly not how it works. As much I would like just to focus on this right now. So, while I try to appreciate the spreading of my wings more, I will also try to be more generous with myself for not erasing every problem at the same time. But honestly I tend to be quite stubborn.
Outro [8:28]
That was it for todays episode. I hope you liked it and my voice is fine. And as usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 37- Denial - It DID happen right?!
Do you ever wonder if it really happened? Like... you know it happened, but was it really that bad? Like, really? There is often denial and a form of uncertainty regarding the trauma received or what happened to us. It is usually accompanied by doubt and insecurity. So let us talk about it and break the silence a bit about it.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about denial - sadly not just a river in Egypt. We are talking in this episode of our own denial. Mostly about what happened. Maybe you found some things you were in denial about. Maybe you are in denial that you are in denial of some things. Either way, we talk about the feeling of denial and the constant conflict of if what happened really happened. It does seem a bit… wild, but I also want to go into the reason. Talking about it should maybe break the silence a bit and assure that you are not loosing your mind. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:54]
I mean it did happen… right? I mean I can remember it… and… there is evidence right? I mean it DID happen? Right? I mean if it wouldn’t have happened then there would be no evidence… right? I mean I remember things… but… I am not sure. I mean… they don’t seem to be that unusual. Yes, it was bad… surely. But other had it far worse than me. I mean… I would know right? I mean… I was there. So if whatever happened and it was like really bad, I would know right? I mean it would be pretty obvious or? I mean - yes, there a lot of hints and I have this thing called C-PTSD and all, but it wasn’t THAT bad. I mean… I would know. Right? I mean I know it was bad, that is why I need help, but… was it really so extreme? I mean nothing THAT out of the ordinary happened. Right? If that sounds a bit familiar, then welcome to the world of confusion regarding what happened to you. It is surprisingly hard to accept that something bad has happened to you. Especially, if the abuse is long in the past and happened in the childhood. So first we ask us, what the reason is for it being so hard and then what do we do.
The reason why it is so hard - Cognitive Dissonance [2:47]
So, why does our brain block us in that regard so badly? Well it has to do with cognitive dissonance. Which means, if the brain gets information that contradicts the believe it had before… it rejects it. This applies to every area, but in this instance the brain desperately tries to hold on to stability and the known. The bad experiences need to be painted brighter, so we can survive them. That is a coping mechanism. Also the brain has learned that the abuse that was suffered as a child is normal, nothing out of the ordinary. The suffering and damage that goes along with it - is also normal. Or at least THAT is what the brain learned. Now you are telling the brain that what happened was abuse, but the brain doesn’t have those behaviors listed as abuse, therefor it rejects the notion, that that what happened was abuse. Secondly, accepting it would mean that the brain has to let go of the house of cards of lies it put in place to stop the whole place from collapsing. Which it is naturally hesitant to do. But it has to happen. Only the truth will set you free. The lies are no foundation for a future. But they can be a framework to survive. So to summarize: The brain rejects information that conflicts with old information. Therefor nothing bad has happened to you, as it wasn’t noted that way
So what do we do? [4:30]
So, now we have figured out why we are being blocked, what can we do about it? Sadly just being aware won’t make this go away, I wish that was the case. One would think once you figured out the truth that was it. It should be like that. But the brain, especially if the abuse was over a long period of time, clung to that lie as if it’s life depended on it. Most likely it did. That is why it is so hard to let go of it. The lie is comforting and offers stability and safety, while the truth offers none of these. The problem with the lie is, that the comfort and safety are an illusion and like a sand castle crumbles sooner or later. That is why we sooner or later have to get away from it. So… what now? Well… the solution is simple, but annoying. We have to keep dragging the brain out of that house of lies. This is one of the several instances where you have to rethink a topic several times before it goes away. Each time it gets a bit smaller. So the only way to deal with it, is to review the evidence. Be careful not to let harmful influence get in the way or you won’t be making any progress. Because if they keep giving you wrong evidence or information, the whole process starts anew. It is important to be as objective as possible. Read about other people and what they went through - so you can frame what happened to you in a clearer picture. Even with my nerve damaged arms… I am still unsure. Yes, it keeps getting better. But sometimes you just have to walk the walk. No matter how obvious it should be. It is a road you have to walk.
Private Words [6:35]
Did I say last week I was sick? That was the warm up. Fever, shacking, bedridden, the whole package followed. Patience isn’t my strongest suit as I said often before. And if I didn’t know better, I would think someone is messing with me. All those delays. As if the complications for the normal recordings aren’t enough. Just to give you a little sneak peek: I have the construction site next to me basically all day starting from 7 am until 7-8pm in the evening. Then there is the cat, who despite usually sleeping all day, is most active if I am trying to record. No idea why, maybe my active voice calls him, but he does. Same goes for the dog. Then there is the violin player in the flat cross atop of me - who is clearly at the beginning of his journey with this instrument. Plays occasionally until 10 pm. Of course all those things happen usually at the same time when I try to record. So… whoever is responsible for my version of the Truman show… needs to get it together - this is getting ridiculous.
Outro [8:00]
That was it for todays episode. I hope you liked it. And I hope it clears up soon for you. As usual, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 38 - The void within you
Do you feel sometimes empty inside? Or do you have regularly pain in your chest? Which kind of feels like a constant heart break?
Is the emptiness inside you make oyu feel hollow? Empty? Your life empty? This might help you against that.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the void inside of you. This is not just related to PTSD, but it is definitely one of the worse symptoms, when that void turns into chest pain and becomes painful up to no end. Like it is trying to collapse but still holding together, but you still feel the pain from it trying to collapse? It is what many drives to do a lot of things to fill it - but don’t know how. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:43]
I thought about it for a long time, if I want to do this topic now. Because actually it is one of those things you do in the later phases of healing - because the trauma lives in the void and increases the size. It is sort of the home of the trauma. So I thought it is better to tackle first the trauma and then the void - but recently it became obvious that this is a point of great suffering and confusion for many. Additionally you CAN already work towards reducing the symptoms. Which is kind of important, as it takes a very long time to fill the void. It is not especially hard, but a million small bites. So let us go at it. Even non traumatized know the void, the empty feeling inside you. Many, many believe you can fill it with a partner… or several partners, but that only distracts or dulls the feeling. But it is still there. Additionally it makes us cling and clutch to the other person, as we believe we are lost without them. The surest way to loose someone sooner or later. The answer is once again short and very boring. So let us first talk about what the void is and then how we can fill it.
What is the void? (How does it come to be?) [2:09]
I am not 100% sure WHAT the void is - as in the correct terms. But if the soul were a house, the void would be a huge water damage - that basically destroyed everything - well depending on which stage you are on. From it just makes a wonderful hole from top to bottom - up to - only remnants are left on the walls where the stairs and walls were. So water damage raging from happened during our trip up to the zombie apocalypse. The greater the damage, the greater the pain - obviously. But how did a part of your soul just rot away? Well it happens every time you are not allowed to be yourself. Simplified of course. That means not allowed to like something or someone or have to like something or someone. Or being shamed for who you are. We must respect others peoples life, but we also must respect our own. Or if something what was a part of you gets destroyed. Your bleeding heart so to speak causes this void. Another person can not fill this void. Only we can. As no one can really change anything in us - except us. So you could say that the void is our heart yearning to love more and having lost too much. And we of course neglected to fill it up again. Which then of course lead us to rushing to fill it with all sorts of stuff. The classics are drugs, alcohol, attention, sex, partners, food, pain and so on. Basically everything that usually reduces our pain and increases our happiness. Which it does, but only temporarily. Sadly, once again, you can’t fix over night what was destroyed over many years.
How can we fill it? [4:09]
So, with what can we fill the void? The answer simple and easy: Ourselves. Or to be more precise: With more things we love. That is why buying things, loving someones and so on seem to help at first. But they don’t really fill it. See the void as an empty jar that you fill with different things. Sand, small pearls, marbles and so much more. Depending your love to something, it is either tiny or big. But such a love only grows with time and you can’t just fill it with big marbles. You need a good mix. There is a movie who addresses this, called ‘runaway bride’. I am not kidding. So spoilers regarding the ending. The guy finds out, that she ran away each time, because every time she fell in love, she began copying her partner and denying her own self - symbolized by how she said she liked her eggs - exactly like her partners. So that culminates in her being surrounded by ca. 30 eggs - each made in a different way, so she can figure out how she likes her eggs. And you have to do the same thing, though I recommend a more effective method. Find out how you like and not like your eggs, colors, clothes, shape of glasses, humor, fonts, nuts, political opinions, animals, games, movies, cuisine, dishes of any sort and so on and so forth. EVERYTHING. Not just that you like it, but why you like it. I like blue, because it comforts me. For example. You lost yourself. Or at least a part of yourself. It needs rebuilding. And all those little things rebuild who you are. Of course your passions are the things that shape you the most, but often they grow from exploring and finding new things. We are the sum of so many, many things. It is worth spending the time to find them.
Private Words [6:34]
I can finally say that I am almost healthy again. This took WAY to long. As usual. I hope you all are doing well. I am now looking into learning how I can get my service dog, since my dog is dieing. Primarily for autism. I don’t know the situation in other places, but in Germany it is a nightmare. There is no official standard. Which is VERY atypical for Germany. We have a word, a rule, a piece of paper and a law for everything. Sadly we suffer from what many suffer: Neglect in maintaining the system. Therefor our medical section needs some serious updates. A lot of new illnesses and medical conditions have appeared that need attention. But since there is no official standard, there are no schools. And a lot of frauds. It took me hours to even get to places that are legit. Not sure if they can help me. Such a dog costs 25.000 euros on average. They are well worth it, but I don’t have so much money. So I am looking into the co training version, which costs “just” a few thousands. Also not money I have lying around, but that is a possible number for me. With a little bit of help from my surrounding and digging a bit. But the dog would mean I would get a lot of independence back and I don’t have to stay inside, if I even fear I would get a meltdown. It would allow me to live and work outside in the world and I think that it is worth it. Though preferably I wish I didn’t need anything and could just live my life as I am and have just pets for their amazing company.
Outro [8:36]
That was it for todays episode. I hope I could help you find a few answers for that gnawing void most likely inside of you. It is a bit of work, but well worth it. Also rewards you with a load of self confidence. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 39 - (Dealing with) The monster inside of you
Are you sometimes feeling there is something dark inside of you? Somethings that makes you uncomfortable? Or sometimes you react in a situation that is really unlike you? There is something inside of you and we talk about how to deal with it in this episode.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the monster inside of you. Or however you call it. The thing that lashed out within you and sometimes goes on such a rampage, that you are not sure anymore, WHO is in charge. The thing that seems to slumber in the shadow of your soul. Or just you wondering why you behaved this way and why your emotions were so strong and kind of just ran away with you. The feeling of lack of control can be confusing and frightening. So let us talk about it and shed some light.
Prelude [0:46]
The funny thing about rational people is, that they try to solve everything with logic. I belong to that group. Even emotions. The thing is, emotions do not follow the rules of logic. And trying to tame them might have the opposite of the wanted effect. There are many ways to call it - the monster, the dark side, the emotional other and so on and forth. I went with monster - I know - creative. The reason was, I was so scared of it. It would cause me so much pain and suffering. How could I describe it as anything else? Lashing out, taking over control, tormenting me. How was that not a monster? It took me a while, but at one point I realized that the monster was just feeling as I did and just wanted to be loved. And it was protecting me. I embraced the monster and since then things have improved. Of course that improvement didn’t happen over night. But instead of random lash outs and pain and confusion and fear. I understood it now as an echo to my actions and the actions of other people against me. Now the monster is my pet and by my side. Still has its fangs and claws, but nonetheless. I think I heard many being in the position I was, in fear from that what is inside of you, so I decided to talk about it. We start with what is the monster and then how do we deal with the monster.
What is the monster? [2:31]
So what is the monster? To give a short answer: Cerebellum and the subconsciousness. Your primal instincts and emotions and your subconsciousness teaming up. Let us use metaphorical terms. Each time you ignore your emotions, feelings, etc and shove them to the side, so to speak, they are put to a corner of your being. And each time you do it the corner grows. Once it is big enough, it comes to life. Though in reality it is more that it is now big enough to have an own response outside of your control. Like a pile of cloth starts to develop its own response you can’t control if it grows too big. And that is what that monster is, your neglected emotions and emotional side. Often those are negative emotions we don’t like to associate ourselves with, that is why we suppress them. But like with everything: If you try to suppress something, it comes back in the worst moments to slam back in your face. The monster is really sort of a split of your own personality. And yes, that is not healthy. So the goal with the monster is to reintegrate it into yourself. The more you suppress and have those negative emotions, the bigger the monster gets. And the more you loose control over it.
How do we deal with the monster? [4:00]
So how to we deal with the monster? As I said earlier, by embracing it. More or less. It is helpful to see the whole thing as a being, be it a monster, dog, cat, shadow twin or the like.
As it helps to visualize the whole ordeal and gives you sort of a way to sort this relationship between those two parts. And it gives you a way of mentally interacting with it. Therefor being able to regain influence. The main stop should be to stop feeding it by suppressing your emotions, etc and rejecting it. Healthy management of your emotions is SO important. The rejection of the monster makes it just more agitated. You learn to embrace it, by watching it and reading its reaction to various things - for that visualization is so important. It is important to learn to understand why it reacts the way it reacts. The more you accept your darker emotions and why you react the way you react - the tamer and more harmless the monster becomes. It can become your pet like it has become mine. Your negative emotions don’t make you a bad person - they make you human. Yes, you shouldn’t let them take control over your life, but denying them is lying to yourself. This way you are creating a self in your head, that can’t exist in reality. We want to be good, we always do. We want to be loved and good. But we also need to embrace and accept our darker traits. That doesn’t meant we can’t work towards reducing them, but they will always be there. The key is to manage them in a way, that no one gets harmed. It is tricky, but doable.
Private Words [5:56]
I really had hoped that I won’t be needing to talk about this topic again…. Especially so soon. But sadly the Corona Virus situation escalated just as we feared it would. Still no reason to panic. Seriously. Never once has panic helped anyone. But sadly the virus wasn’t contained as I hoped. I am highly skeptical that the numbers we got for several days out of china can be trusted. Though I seriously hope they are correct. But to be honest I never had a lot of faith in those numbers in the first place. Sadly a lot of nations with a lot of slums are now also having the virus - which will most likely end badly. I fear and hope I am wrong again. But also the US troubles me at the moment. I really don’t see the US government handling the situation… professional. What is also troubling to me is, that the test for the virus can cost up to a few thousand Dollars. Up to and with no insurance. Which seems to me rather unwise in a situation like this. That means most will go untested, which easily leads to it spreading WAY further, especially since the symptoms are so mild. Though I want to add, that I read that it costs way less in a doctors office or clinic. Also I want to add that you indeed WON’T get it from the corona beer. Yes, quite a big fraction believes that. So… enjoy Netflix? The best line of defense seems really to stay inside and wash your hands. And a small reminder, that the virus is harmless for around 98% of the population. Stay save and take care.
Outro [7:52]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you enjoyed it. I hope my voice sounded alright, sick again sadly. And I hope you are in better health than me and that you stay healthy. If you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 40 - Am I still me?
Am I still me? A question many ask who are hit with great challenges in their lives. During that time a lot of change happens and sometimes people wonder if they are still themselves. This applies to people who suffer from tragic losses, mental illnesses, being handicapped, suddenly loosing everything and so on and so forth. But I noticed a lot of people seem to think that a mental illness is like a transformation that will turn you into something you are not. Like a werewolf. Which is one of the reason to fear admit they need help and/or talk about it. So let us talk about it and shed some light on the whole thing, shall we?
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the question ‘Am I still me?’. I feel like many people are scared endlessly of mental illnesses, because they feel like they will loose themselves, like a superhero villain. It is often portrait like that in the media. I would describe it more like a physical handicap - like being bound to a wheelchair. Life altering? Sure, sometimes. Changing who you are? Not really. But since this is a question that causes a lot of fear and uncertainty I thought we should shed some light on it and hopefully put some minds at ease.
Prelude [0:53]
I wanted to touch up on the last two topics with todays topic. I was first hesitant, as this topic is a gigantic one - the million of books for this topic alone show that quite clearly. So I am pretty sure this topic will be picked up by me again, but for now it is too connected to the two topics before, that I would not do it. So… am I still me? A very good question. Not only for people with PTSD. Many people suffering years from an illness or sudden handicap find themselves wondering it. Sometimes they remember how they used to be and sometimes because they acted the way they never thought they would. But especially people suffering from mental illnesses sometimes fear of loosing their mind and who they are. It is frightening without end to find yourself not being able to trust yourself fully anymore. If you don’t understand what is going on, it almost seems like a supernatural puppeteer is starting to control you. There will be questions if you can trust yourself, if you can be trusted and the like. This causes a lot of emotions, especially negative ones. So let us talk about it - first we ask the question ‘Am I loosing myself?’ and then ‘How do I stay me?’.
Am I loosing myself? [2:21]
So right into the first question: Am I loosing myself? Well yes and no. First off, let us establish that who YOU are changes every second. Who we are isn’t written in stone - it is more like we are like water. Ever flowing and shifting. So you are basically loosing yourself as a natural state. But you are not actually loosing yourself, just the self you were a few seconds ago. So the same applies for completely healthy people. Change is good and natural and part of life itself. But what most of you most likely mean is: Am I loosing my core values, that for me define who I am? And to that question the answer in generally no. Of course it depends a bit on case by case. You might change your core values depending as your experience as an social outcast or as a severe sick person or the like. Might be better, might be worse. But what I mean is, that the notion that you will be overtaken by an alternate self is far from correct. It is normal to experience behavior differences due to depression and more, but they can disappear. That is like behavior when we are under drugs, strong medication, etc. We are still ourselves. Below all the rubble. You might even return to that form if you either get the symptoms in check or in a VERY good phase.
How do I stay me? [4:00]
Which leads us to our second question: How do I stay me? How do I ensure that with all that what is happening, that I don’t loose myself? Well, we touched up on it in the last two episodes. By trying to filling the void and keeping up with the monster. The thing is, during an extremely stressful time, like a severe illness for example, we do change a lot more than usual. The good thing is, you can reverse that change if you don’t like it. If you notice yourself changing in a way you don’t approve of, you can direct yourself in the, for you, correct direction again. This you achieve by immediately correcting your thoughts or behavior when it pops up. We are able to train ourselves. It takes a bit, but you can unlearn those behaviors and return to where you want. But that also means we constantly - in quotations marks - need to check if our old habits are still accurate. This way we are also keeping an awareness of our selves. A sort of frame we can hang on to. This is like with everything, if you are in the movement, it will appear as barely anything changes at all. But if you step out of it and step back in, suddenly everything is kind of different. Like your old school. So to summarize: You stay you, if you want to and keep an eye on your own behavior. This isn’t a transformation like into a werewolf. It is like getting in a wheel chair, yes it requires some correction. But in the end of the day, even if your life changes by it, you are still yourself. No matter was that voice of depression and PTSD are telling you. They are a bunch of known liars.
Private words [6:02]
I really miss snow. We gotten it less and less these years. But this year? We had whole 12h of more or less snow. I always loved the seasons, for they bring a rhythm to life and measurement. I lived in a tropical nation for almost 3 years… and I really began to appreciate the seasons beyond everything. But like many other people in Germany I noticed changes. Summers getting hotter. Like… I remember as a child a 25° C (that is 77° F) was a HOT summer day. We went to Spain to get warm weather. Today? We reach 40°C (or 104° F) regularly on our hottest day of the year. And for winter? I remember the little hills I would ski on. Nowadays the snow most of the time has to be created by snow cannons - which is a very cool name to be fair. I really miss snow. I miss the sound it makes when you walk over it. I miss how it give that snow covered landscape of buildings and plants and fields and so much more. I miss it surviving in my hair and giving me a snowy look. I know that the good times are over and times changing. That doesn’t mean I can’t miss the little things that are now mostly lost. I can be sometimes a very nostalgic person. For better or worse.
Outro [8:01]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you enjoyed it. And I really do hope, that it reduced some of the worries and fears. Living in fear is a horrible thing. No one deserves that. And of course, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.