Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about achieving this new “me” that seems often so far away and some even believe is a myth. Or are you trying to return to your old true self? Both follow the same path that seems to be so hard if not impossible to find.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:29]
Even Tolkien didn’t seem to believe you could recover - he made this especially clear with the wound he gave Frodo. The one that never healed and he only found peace by sailing into the west. We learned and understand a lot more since his days luckily.
Of course we are changed - as any experience, but especially the extreme ones, changes us. Doesn’t matter if you climb a mountain or have a traumatic experience. The bigger the hurdle - the bigger the change. And growth of course.
Because that changed “you” will be a “you” that has grown and gotten a lot stronger. But if a experience is too much for us - we are only burdened by it until we find a way to process and benefit from it. That is not the question.
The question is how? Of course by curing our trauma and the like. But today we really focus on the steps to take to achieve the new “me” - if you never had a healthy one - or return to your true “me” - if the experience has thrown you off your path.
We first talk about changing takes time, then your mental state, then your view of yourself and then the steps and signs of improvement.

Changing takes time [1:49]
Let us start with the quite unpopular part: Changing takes time. We hope that the “me” is waiting for us if we just get over that line - whatever line you might think you need to reach. The paradise that awaits just over the horizon.
But a more accurate depiction would be a house, where you exchange one stone at a time. Replace the faulty with good ones. You will notice being more resilient and more stable, but it only happens in very small steps. Therefor it is hardly noticeable if you don’t check.
It is such a slow process because you have to take energy out of your already very limited reservoir and you still have to live your life. That is why energy management - as we talked before - is so important. You won’t be suddenly different - more of a slow emerging.
It is best to change just one thing at a time - that prevents a complete collapse in case something goes very wrong and makes it easier for your brain to accept that change. As it is notorious for keeping habits even if they are slowly killing you.
We talked about this in greater details in the Episode 116 - New years resolutions or how to make change last. Highly recommend it - as it applies even long after you cured yourself.

Your mental state [3:16]
There are 2 main aspects that you need to take care of for your new/old “me”. One of them is your mental state. Naturally by curing yourself from mental illnesses. But even if you do not suffer from any - you can still be in a bad mental state.
The mental state is the house I just mentioned. This metaphor is great, because it helps to visualize better how the progress works, also represents your stability and how your mental state is reflected in your own home. Be it a room or a whole house.
I mentioned before that your environment is a reflection of your mental state. Often the messy environment could be solved in hours or a few days, yet it seems impossible and barely any progress made. That is because it’s your brain kind of asking for help.
It’s showing how things look inside your head. A visualization for how you feel - of course everyone is different and other factors play into it. The chaos can be used by depression to reinforce negative views of oneself, which makes it a double edged sword.
Especially since the shame often hinders social interactions and maybe even getting help. Just cleaning up won’t really help as it will very likely go back to its original state. More information in Episode 112 - How your living environment affects you.

Your view of yourself [4:45]
The second main aspect is your view of yourself. Which fittingly is reflected how you present yourself to society. Just to be clear, I don’t mean things like newest fashion, trendy haircuts and the like. That is more about societal expectations and preferences.
I am talking about body language, voice, behavior, clothes and so on - the whole package. All of it reflects how you view yourself to the people around you. Once again - there are other factors going into this. Like job requirements for example.
It is common knowledge to dress for occasion, like for example we dress more revealing to be sexy for a party. But what most people underestimate is HOW MUCH you give away with all these things. Especially tone and body language.
Experts agree that 70-93% of our communication is non verbal - and it is almost impossible to control this for most people. As it is subconsciously - as is picking up on these signs. Which means you actually have to change to send out different signals.
Until then you will attract abusers and other people with a bad mental state more likely. Episode 154 “Why do I feel unlovable?”, as well as Episode 155 about self confidence and self love are covering this topic.

The steps and signs of improvement [6:19]
Which leads us to the steps and signs of improvement. The 2 main aspects are not automatically done by curing yourself from PTSD, but what PTSD can do is block any progress in them. So the more you remove PTSD the more you can progress in these aspects.
During and after curing yourself you get to fully expand to your true self - see more in Episode 161. It is also important to note, that a step is not solid - it is more like you reach it, go back, then reach it again a bit longer, then go back, then reach it even longer and so on.
Again and again and then rinse and repeat with the next step. Like the lines you see in charts like for example stock price or temperature? These lines are the steps and the wiggly line is your progress - always going a bit up and down, but heading in a direction.
So when you have the desire to improve yourself or the strong urge to change your environment - that means you are now in conflict with how you and your environment looks as it no longer correctly represents you. Important is that the motivation comes from you.
It is about you wanting to take better care of yourself because you think its the right thing to do. Not because you want to impress anyone. Because you want to feel at home - in your literal home and in your body. Loving and valuing yourself and hopefully life.

Outro [8:00]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful and that you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.