Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about how to remove or cut someone out of your life - which sadly happens often when dealing with PTSD. This is especially difficult when there is also trauma involved in that relationship, but also absolutely necessary.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:30]
I think this is my most universal episode, as this is something we almost all experience. We all had to cut someone out of our lives and there are so many opinions out there, that you seem to barely be able to count them. Though there is a thing almost all agree upon:
Avoid contact. But that is sometimes just not an option. So what can we do in that case? How do we cut someone out, that keeps coming up in our everyday life? Keeping as much distance as possible is extremely helpful, but what else can we do?
We first talk about the strings that tie us together, then why the brain refuses to let go, then how to cut and then when trauma is added.

The strings that tie us together [1:19]
We touched upon this last time and I used the metaphor of ropes and strings. With every connection you shared with a person, no matter how small, would form a string between you two and that will be spun into a rope and becomes something you can rely onto.
It is amazing how every connection creates a string, of course the strength depends on the significance of that moment, but you really form a rope with someone you just meet everyday in the subway and don’t even speak with. A weak one for sure, but nonetheless.
If you don’t add new strings the rope will fade until barely anything is left - which is why it is easiest to just avoid any contact until the rope just fades. Even thinking about them sort of refreshes the connection and makes it harder - which sometimes keeps happening.
Especially with trauma and abuse - the abuser rarely wants the rope to fade - as it also helps the abuser to remain in control and they often manipulate things to keep the rope going at all cost. And a trauma trigger can refresh the rope too.

Why the brain refuses to let go [2:33]
I think we all wondered, why the brain just refuses to let go - even when there are only negative feelings left. There is no logical explanation for that - except when you look where we came from. We used to live in tribes, clans or small groups of people.
Our brains are working on that assumption - there were like 10 to 40 people in a group and every member was most likely crucial for the survival of the group. So it was absolutely necessary to be able to have some sort of relationship with everyone in that group.
Once out of the group the brain is happy to forget they existed, but also very quick to welcome them back. Also there was the chance of being kicked out, if you started too much trouble. So staying connected and on relative good terms was essential for survival.
That knowledge we can use in two ways, one we do everything to make our brain think that person isn’t in our group anymore and second, we do our best to establish a new group we focus on. The second option doesn’t have to be (fully) real people.
But I recommend being very careful with that.

How to cut [3:50]
Which leads us to the main topic: How to cut. We have to cut every string, bit by bit. So depending on the relationship - it might take a while. So if you can, I recommend you do something that can keep your mind off things. Gym, gaming, bird pictures or whatever works.
And while everything CAN form a string, the ones like eye contact or a friendly greeting - can usually be taken care of by the brain. While things like that can reactivate and strengthen the rope in general - they are usually not the problem.
The problem are usually more significant moments - like sharing a hobby, having close body contact - from hugs to the whole body activity - or of course shared achievements - like the saving of a life I mentioned last time. The stronger the string - the longer the cut takes.
I mentioned the last time that I often went through the 5 stages of mourning - because that is basically what you are doing. You are mourning the relationship you had and the person you wish they could be and what could have been and what should have been.
You shared a hobby? Now you mourn no longer be able to create new moments and memories together. Had loads of close body contact? You mourn the comfort and trust you no longer have access to. Often more the idea than the reality of it all.

When trauma is added [5:22]
Sometimes you also have the feeling you owe them something or that you can’t move on until you get closure. When the brain can’t process something - it is stuck and can’t really move forward. That is the case usually when trauma enters the connection.
Now when this happens you have to deal with the trauma and the relationship at the same time and that is extremely difficult. Which will take a bit to explain and therefor we do it in another episode.

Outro [5:56]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.