Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about parents and if they were “good parents” - while there are many ways people define if someone is a good parents or not, we will - of course - focus on the trauma perspective. Because it is sadly the root of many evils.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:29]
Like I just said, it isn’t about whether your parents were good people or if they tried or anything else. Good people can make bad parents or good parents can become bad parents because of life circumstances and so on. Almost every combination is possible.
Which is why I usually don’t directly address it, but it is sadly not just a trope - as much as I wish it was. And of course we won’t just point fingers, place blame and then go our merry way. This is about understanding where things can come from.
This helps us emphasize with our trauma cores better and helps us to find them. And that is the main point of this episode - helping to understand, to find and to resolve past issues. Because this is the source for SO MANY issues and behaviors and the like.
It also helps to understand what we might want to look out for, when we are parents ourselves and try to not repeat the cycle of trauma. Because so much of it is subconscious and not things you really actively do. As abuse doesn’t require bad intentions.
First we talk about covering the basics, then covering emotional and social needs, then what is caring love and then what does it mean to be a good parent in my eyes.

Covering the basics [1:57]
Now what are the basics? The physical aspect of food, water and shelter is just a relative minor aspect. We are social creatures, as we talked about many times, so social interaction and emotional care are also essential needs. There was a forbidden experiment.
Emperor Frederick tried to find out the original language of humans and had babies only be cared for with food and shelter, but nothing else - these kids sadly did not survive. But it shows how essential and crucial social and emotional care is.
Which leads us to these questions: Did they provide you with unconditional love? Or was their affection depending on your behavior? Were their reactions to you reliable? Could you rely on them? And did they care and cover your emotional and social needs?
Before we get into that, another absolute basic are boundaries. They are an important framework we need to protect us from the world around us and from other peoples advances. It is important to have your little bubble - boundaries are important.
So, did you feel you could say no to things happening to you or you having to do? Did you feel your no was respected? Did you feel safe? Did you feel like people couldn’t just do what they want with you? Where there lines that couldn’t be crossed?

Covering emotional and social needs [3:36]
Covering the emotional and social needs of your child is not a simple task. You need to provide emotional security and warmth, that includes being empathic towards the child’s feelings. And of course you need to care for the child’s best interest.
That also means being respective of the stage or age they’re in - which means they understand and respect what the child can and can’t do and what one can and can’t expect from it. The child’s best interest also includes rewarding good behavior.
As this helps to foster good and productive behaviors that will help the child later function in society. It is also helpful to the child to reflect the emotions to their caregiver to better understand emotions and how to manage them. Or to put it in questions:
Did you feel comfortable to run to your caregivers to ask them for help? Or did you have the feeling that you can rely on your caregivers?  Did you feel you could ask them anything? Did you feel welcome to ask them things you didn’t understand?
Did you feel like you could entrust them your secrets? Did you feel like your concerns were listened to? Did you feel protected and safe around them? Did you feel welcome to just talk with them?
 
What is caring love? [5:05]
These are also the reasons why love is not enough and caring love is required. But what is caring love? It means taking a proactive stand in ensuring the other person is well. It doesn’t just mean we respond or behave in a certain way, but that we take action.
In many relationships the normal love or just reacting is more than enough - as we are responding and caring for the other, but children rely on us. They completely depend on us - including their survival. Which is why children are so sensitive towards the caretaker.
It is the duty of the caretaker to take care of the child - as the name suggests. Like covering all the before mentioned needs. But that is the basic - caring love means taking action - it means always looking out and making sure the child is well.
A child can’t properly communicate what is going on or what is wrong - so it is important to constantly watch their behavior and interact with them - so you can spot problems early on and prevent worse things. The same goes with pets - they can’t tell you either.
Both require that you care for them - that means looking out for them and making sure that they don’t come to harm - and most importantly to give them affection, love and support.

What does it mean - in my eyes - to be a good parent? [6:38]
So what does it mean to be a good parent in my eyes? For me it means becoming a guide. A guide to the life they one day will lead - on their own. To teach them empathy, communication, emotions, skills, love and so many other things.
It means being empathic and trying to help them navigate the ever growing world around them and their own changing self. To shelter them in times of need and encourage them to try again. So they can be strong and can weather the hardships of life.
To lift them up when needed. To help them become the best version of themselves and teach them the tools they need later in life to deal with life by themselves. To make them feel loved and sheltered. To nurture and foster a healthy and balanced human being.
To give them a good prologue - which they slowly take over and then start writing their own life story - with hopefully many, many great chapters.

Outro [7:45]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful and that you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.