Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about victim blaming - or what did you do wrong that justifies everything that happened to you? This is sadly a common reality that survivors face - as well victims of all kinds of things and even if anything bad happens to you.
So let us talk about it

Prelude [0:29]
The cause for this episode was the accusations against the very famous German band Rammstein and the way people treated those who came forward. It was disgusting, threatening and sadly not surprising. I always recommend to stay in the shadows for this reason.
Don’t step into the light unless you are ready with a lot of back lash. Especially if you speak out against well liked or powerful people. Please be sure to take very good care of yourself and take the safe precautions you need to.
But this also made me aware that we never spoke about this topic - which makes it long overdue. Victim blaming means one accuses the victim that their behavior has caused it and therefor they are to be blamed for what happened.
There are many famous examples, like short skirts, flirting, walking, going somewhere, helping, existing and so on. Yes even children were asked if they didn’t ask or wanted to interact with adult private parts. No one is safe.
On that note: Nothing I did could every justify the things that happened to me. Nothing. It’s not my fault. Neither of the others. With that being said, we first talk about exceptions, then reasons, then fear and then how to deal with it.

Exceptions [2:05]
Like in many of these cases it has little to do with yourself and everything with the person who makes this accusations. Though before we start I just want to throw in, that sometimes it happens because of bad phrasing and people just being overwhelmed.
Sometimes they just try to understand and it’s important to not come with hammer if you can solve things with words. If you tell them - I walked down the street and then I just got punched in the face - then people will wonder how this came to be.
As this isn’t what usually happens. So they ask maybe something like - what did you do before that? Because usually a behavior is a response to a behavior, but these people will accept explanations and genuinely care about how things happened.
They will listen and try to understand you - the second part is the important one.

Reasons [3:06]
Because usually the problem isn’t them asking - “What did you do?” - but how they respond to the answers given. Or even worse if they make an accusation sound like a question like “yeah, but didn’t you ask for that?”. Bonus points for sounding nice doing it.
So let us deal with the 3 usual reasons for that. Now the first reason is, that they don’t want to deal with it. Be it because they are overwhelmed with their life, prior bad experiences or not just caring enough about you.
They will do everything to just keep the issue out of their lives - not really anything you can do about that. Second reason is that they need to keep their world view intact, be it because they like that person or that those things don’t just happen.
People are less likely to believe anything said about someone they view favorably - something that is well documented. You need a LOT of evidence to convince them - if that is enough in the end. It’s truly an uphill battle.
Many people believe in an universal justice system of wrong and right. Having this challenged by new information will make them reject that new information. Cognitive dissonance doing its thing again.

Fear [4:26]
Now the third reason leads us to the underlying theme of the reasons: Fear. The third reason is - that it could happen to them. Because if it happened to you and you did nothing wrong or anything to deserve it - then it also could happen to them!
That is a very scary thought - which people push as far away as possible. Even if they technically knew this the whole time. Denial is once again not just a river in Egypt - but the real hurting human being in front of them shatters that illusion.
So they try to run away from it - as much as they can. Avoiding it at all costs - even if it’s the relationship with that person. Also it might be contagious and also affect them - so double the reason to push it and the person as far away as possible.
In their fear they can make everything worse and more likely to end up in such a situation themselves. So its not about you, but about the fear. You might be able to convince them, but it will likely be painful and exhausting.

How to deal with it [5:41]
So how do we deal with it? Well first by avoiding contact with such people and protecting ourselves as much as possible. Especially after a trauma we are extremely vulnerable and it is easy to get a second trauma from the rejection afterwards.
I talked about it recently in episode 139 - Isolation - The trauma after the trauma. So the most important step is to protect yourself, by avoiding those people but also understanding how they spotted you and what their issue was.
Sometimes certain phrasing makes things harder than it should be - sometimes there is nothing you could have done. Second is being careful who you speak with it about it - it saves you a lot of head and heart ache - even if confirmation is so direly needed.
Third is getting better as fast as possible - it makes you more resilient and later immune to these things. Forth is understanding why these comments hurt you - the feeling of rejection, isolation and failed trust is deeply hurtful.
Fifth is understanding that it has nothing to do with you - and all with them. People usually project their feelings, thoughts and character onto other people. It says more about them - then it does about you.

Outro [7:10]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.