Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about scars - or in other words - the things that remain. I often say that the experience changes us - like climbing a mountain does, but what do we have to accept as that change and what can we still change after all?
Since it’s the 4th of July with a lot of veterans affected, I thought it is a good time to talk about the things that remain and how they affect us. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:39]
There was recently an episode on kurzgesagt about how the immune system defends our body and the stages it goes through in “what actually happens when you are sick?” - and you likely find the stages pretty familiar. Link of course in the description.
And in the last phase it touches upon are the scars that remain afterwards - and therefor being changed permanently. It more and to better detail touches on the topic of being tired all the time - but I very likely talk about that next time.
I feel like I was sending you a bit of mixed messages, on one hand I tell you that you can cure yourself and get further than most people or even therapist think is possible. On the other hand I say of course you get changed by what happened.
And I think it is long overdue that I define that a bit more and give important clarity about what remains and what is more leftovers that still need to be worked on. And even long after you are fully cured - there will be loads of little things still left to do.
We first talk about things that are not scars but a to do list, then what scars we have to accept remain and then what we can do.

Things that are not scars but a to do list [2:01]
Now I just mentioned that some things will remain even after you are cured and free. While these things tend to remain a bit longer than they are welcome, those are usually not a big hurdle in life and just annoying - usually little habits and behaviors you picked up.
You really don’t notice them until after you get better and then it usually starts to feel unnatural to you. Or things you haven’t encountered yet. It takes a few hours to maximal a few days and nothing else really - as that is mostly an automated process.
As long as you try to improve yourself those are not a problem. Which is very very different from the things that people are accepting - like not being able to do things - not because they don’t like or enjoy them anymore, but because they can’t.
That is not a scar, but something you need to address. You should also not need plans what to do if something happens. There should be no unusual reaction to something - so if you need to explain to people how to behave around you, then that needs to be addressed.
It also shouldn’t keep you from doing anything you want to do. Generally speaking or as a rule of thumb - your behavior should not really deviate from anyone else - within reason of course.

What scars we have to accept remain [3:33]
But what does remain as scars? Usually survival skills are here to stay - it is almost impossible to unteach a brain what it learned is crucial to survive. You can more easily redirect, downsize and alter it, but entirely removing it is not really an option.
If it hinders living your everyday life - understand how the skill works and see if you can change elements of it. If you struggle with that - you can always contact me. But besides that - you will mostly notice a change in what you like and dislike.
As I mentioned earlier, there are some things you just won’t be able to enjoy anymore - for me for example it is horror movies for obvious reasons. Then there is also now some intolerance to some behavior that many people are okay with.
That is a common thing for people who had to face death - especially their own in a significant matter. As it completely shifts your perspective on life and priorities. You will also likely sometimes feel a sting or a bit of pain as a initial reaction - that is normal and human.
Similarly you might have an initial reaction - usually less than 2 seconds - to something, that should immediately correct itself. Not something that echoes for a good while after it. It is something that remains of a deep trigger response you can’t really fully remove.

What we can do [5:16]
But what can we do? I would say the most important thing is to not accept things as given. It is very easy to be convinced that this is just how it is - when everything calms down and there seems no progress. With no idea what to do - basically all you can do is accept.
But then it just keeps coming back and keeps coming back and you just get more and more tired over time. So the most important thing is to keep focusing on improving yourself - not every waking second but as a general direction.
I believe that even after you are cured that this is a good attitude and perspective to life. The second thing is to be patient and forgiving with yourself. Depending on what happened you maybe need to relearn A LOT of things and that just takes time.
Even if its nothing big - the small things just add up and wait in a queue. Its frustrating, but the best way is just to sit back and just accept things going slowly for a while. And third to seek out new experiences to discover and establish things.
And last but definitely not least, learn and accept this new version of you - including the scars. In the end the scars are just a sign of survival - of the fight that was once fought. A sign of strength, growth and endurance. A sign of what you can survive.

Outro [7:01]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful and that you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.