Episode 81 - Why PTSD as a spectrum is a big problem

In this episode we will talk about the big problem that is having made PTSD a spectrum - which it became as more and more illnesses were put under that umbrella term. I want to emphasize the problem and - how it sadly affects you. We first get into the different traumas and how it affects their needs and then the big problem of the limited resources this causes.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the big problem that is having made PTSD a spectrum - which it became as more and more illnesses were put under that umbrella term. I tried before to break it down, but it is difficult. The term has become such a huge pile, that it takes way too long to separate them. This is why I want to emphasize the problem and - how it sadly affects you.

Prelude [0:35]
I have touched on this before and tried to categorize things - especially with my shapes of trauma episodes 51 and 52. I also protested against putting the post torture syndrome under it - and still refuse to do so. This is sadly not something that only affects therapist and those who follow the DSM, but also the patients. Be it how they are viewed by the public, how effective their treatment is and/or how many resources they have access to. From witnessing an accident to spending decades in a prison of a dictator - and more and everything in between - all of it falls into the same umbrella term. And no - this is not about who has has it worse. That is a competition were everyone looses. You don’t have to justify your trauma - if you have PTSD, then you have PTSD. This is not about that. It is how this muddies the waters for everyone. And this makes people tune out and ignore a topic - because it is just too much to handle. I want to first get into the different traumas and how it affects their needs and then the big problem of the limited resources this causes.

Different traumas - different needs [1:50]
As I said before, this is not to shame or talk down on those who don’t have such an extreme or complex trauma, but they DO have different needs. Treating those less complex PTSD s is far more easy and doable. Which is why many either only accept those (as they don’t ruin any statistics) and it is known how to be done. Though even there I see the issue of them just cutting the weed instead of routing it out. I will go properly into categorizing the traumas and so, but this would go beyond this episode. But it safe to say, that those different types of category of trauma and/or PTSD need different forms of therapy. There is just such a huge difference on how you need to approach the topic, how much it will consume, how intense the sessions are, what kind of tools the patient needs and so on and so forth. The simpler ones can easily be treated by most therapist who are familiar with the topic, while the most severe ones only a few can treat at all. And patients can’t filter and look specific, because they all have PTSD. Some more severe cases might even block some spots that would help less severe cases, but makes their state worse.

Limited resources [3:09]
Which leads us to the problem of limited resources. You most likely have ran into this issue - as getting help with PTSD can be incredible difficult. I was barred from most as my trauma was an old one. Untreatable and no spot for that. The last time I looked - the soldiers had the best supply and network for PTSD. And given the state of them nonetheless just underlines how limited resources are. This is even made worse by those faking to have PTSD - that does NOT mean those who are unsure and don’t know if they have it, but those who LIE about it. Another topic of its own. When resources are scarce it is of utmost importance to use them efficiently. Some therapist might be able to treat PTSD, but since they might feel overwhelmed with the severe cases they won’t offer it. Also a lot patients this way might end up with the wrong therapist and waste time and resources to find the right one - this applies to BOTH sides. We have to few to waste resources like that. I hope I can soon upload and talk about the better categorizing of PTSD - which should also help communicate with your surrounding and therapist what you need and what you have.

Outro [4:34]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 82 - Why do people believe lies despite evidence?

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. I am sorry for the strong delay, things have been wild for a bit now. Hope that is over soon. In this episode we will talk about why people believe lies - even despite evidence laid clearly in front of them. We all have witnessed this behavior in one way or another - be it people around us or on the screen. They claim something and if confronted with evidence… they just kind of zone out and resume undeterred. This is also part of the denial part of PTSD. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:48]
This is a problem that is so widespread that I could basically post this under any topic involving other people. I am sure you can name several conspiracies, groups, people that defy reality with every breath. Not all of them are mentally unwell nor are they evil. As long no one gets harmed through their behavior - which I kinda would include themselves too if I can - it is usually pretty harmless and can be ignored. One example would be the flat earthers, which despite literally seeing something that contradicts their belief - they still hold onto it and seem unaffected by this evidence. But it is not just conspiracies. This effect takes place every time we are confronted with something that completely contradicts something we believe - ESPECIALLY if it is an believe that is important to us. The innocence of a person for example. There is a reason why many refuse to acknowledge hints, that their partner is cheating on them. It is hard to let go of a belief we hold so dear. Or you could use more sinister examples.

Cognitive Dissonance - The gap between reality and what the brain knows [1:57]
This behavior is known as cognitive dissonance - or the gap between reality and what the brain knows. Your brain rejects information that is in strong conflict with what it knows. The brain takes stability over truth. The problem with that behavior is, that if you keep it up it is like digging a hole. You get deeper and deeper - and sooner or later it collapses on top of you when you have to face reality. Which eventually you have to. Though there were cases of people going so deep into that rabbit hole - that they were unable to do so and needed to live under permanent care - or died. The initial reaction isn’t harmful per Se. It might be a good thing to shelve it - as in this moment it could be a harmful distraction or used to be able to manipulate you. But one should revisit the topic in question in peace and in smaller bits. This way you can soften the blow and make it more easy to digest. But what is when it is not you who is affected? What if it is someone you know? Then there is the option of trying to close the gap and not widen it. Though closing or widening the gap is only really relevant is the person in question is willing to listen - if they are refusing to acknowledge any statement, argument, fact or the like, it is pointless to try to affect the gap.

Widening the gap vs closing the gap [3:28]
So how CAN we affect the gap? We can either widen the gap or close the gap. First is usually done by abusers, cult leaders and the like. This is done by pointing out what separating them form everyone else. When someone tries to isolate you - or you notice you are pretty isolated except a specific group - is a HUGE red flag and you should make sure you are safe immediately. No one should want you isolated. A good social environment is important in healing and keeping a healthy mind - you can do without, but it is a lot harder. By focusing on the things that separate you - you widen the gap and therefor the conflict. On the opposite it closing the gap - though theoretically the more accurate term would be showing a place where the gap is closer, if you can’t find that - you need to create a ladder of sorts. To close the gap you search for common ground and/or were the positions are both basically the same or almost the same. Point out the things that are in common or close to the others person position. It is important to do that without questioning the others person position, as this will most likely lead to them shutting down, going in defense mode and not listening for what you have to say. If you want to build a ladder across the gap it is once again by not attacking their position and starting a train of thought from THEIR position and give them a logic they can follow. Which I plan to go into more detail next week.

Outro [5:09]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 83 - How do I remain myself after my world cumbles?

In this episode we will talk about something most of us go through when they start uncovering the trauma - and what it is connected with. The truth we once believe crumbles and in worst case - we are only left with rubble. This is one of the most bitter and harshest truth, but how do we go from there? Even if it just an aspect of your life that needs to change, it is good to know in what direction to head. So let us talk about it.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something most of us go through when they start uncovering the trauma and what it is connected with, the truth we once believe crumbles and in worst case we are only left with rubble. This is one of the most bitter and harshest truth, but how do we go from there? Even if it just an aspect of your life that needs to change, it is good to know in what direction to head. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:38]
We talked last week how cognitive dissonance lets us cling to believes and truths - despite evidence to the contrary. Even if that evidence is right in front of us. Sometimes that is a safety measure of our brain. If we are unable to accept the truth - as it would completely destroy us. Which is one of the reasons we suddenly go down after we get a firm hold of our life - our brain breaks down those false truths. But now the curtain has fallen and the truth is laid bare before us and we feel our world crumble - be it a small part or the whole thing or everything in between. What do we do now? What CAN we do? For one, we can use the logic ladder I talked about last week, which can be of course also used to help other people. This is usually the path if only part of your world collapses and you need to readjust more. If the whole world collapses and nothing is left - more from ground up methods are needed and of course it takes longer to do. We touch on that with the rubble clearing.

Logic ladder - a way above the abyss [1:46]
When a part of your world dies - or the truth you once hold dear crumbles - or however you want to frame it - you will most likely see a big difference between where you are and where you most likely should be. A logic ladder creates a sort of bridge - like they are used in the climb of the mount everest.
First step is fully understanding your position - with all it faults and strengths. That takes some honest introspection.
The second step is to improve the position just by a little bit.
The next steps are basically the repetition of the step until you reach a better position. The jumps in logic should never be too big and easy to follow. It is a lot of just rinse and repeat. Step by step. Just keep moving. You get there.
Final step is to inspect the new position. Explore it fully and make sure it is accurate, truthful and in line with who you are. Often there are still some adjustments needed to be made, but that is normal.
One simple example would be trying new food. “I know you don’t like fish because it has such a weird texture, but like there are different meat textures - so are different ones for fish. Some are even exactly like meat. So why don’t you try some fish like salmon?” It is similar to the method like talking yourself into doing something. For example “I know I don’t feel like walking today, but if I walk until the tree I at least did SOMETHING. Now that I am at the tree, I might just go until the bench… it isn’t that farer and I done better. Now that I am at the bench I might go until…” and so on and so forth. Similar and also quite useful.

Rubble clearing - Keep what still has value [3:42]
Seeing your world end is a horrible feeling, but also a necessary step for clearing the board and rebuilding on a solid foundation. This time we look at real life examples of people having to rebuild from debris. You check piece by piece to see if there are pieces that can still be used. Usually it isn’t a 100% fallout. There are often pieces that hold value despite their origin. Sometimes they just have to be re framed but they still hold truth. Quite like the honest inspection used with the ladder. But unlike the ladder we are now on shaky grounds and very vulnerable - which is why it is wise to tread carefully, move slowly and don’t look for fast/easy answers. It is important to double check every piece of the new foundation you put in place. For the new pieces you might be able to find them faster by using the false one as point of orientation. But don’t go into the complete opposite - that is just a recipe for disaster. Rarely the complete opposite of where you originally were is the right place to go. It might be also wise to see what foundation others have. Either way, it takes a lot of time and effort to put the pieces into place. Just like everything else is, which is supposed to last. Which is why we do it this way.

Outro [5:14]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 84 - Why did I make it? (Survivor's guilt)

In this episode we will talk about quite a personal topic - survivor’s guilt. We will focus this episode on validation and first band aid measure. Which means we first talk about how survivor's guilt affected me and perceived it and then the first band aid I applied with success. We might get into counter measure in another episode - in case there is interest.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something that has affected me very strongly and was the reason I looked into creating this podcast. So it is quite a personal topic - I am talking about survivor’s guilt. We will focus this episode on validation and first band aid measure and in another episode most likely I go into counter measure as I improved my methods and can treat it now a lot better and almost removed it. It is a difficult topic for me to talk about, but it is important to do so - so… let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:48]
When I first broke free of my C-PTSD and all of it… I was so euphoric. I finally going to join the club and might get a t-shirt that says “I beat C-PTSD and I didn’t even get a t-shirt” - or something along these lines. I have a silly sense of humor. Because of all the things that went so badly during my healing journey, I thought I was dead last of the group I swam with and lost contact with. They had therapist and help and all of that. I didn’t. So I assumed I was WAY behind everyone else. Like WAY. If it were a marathon I expected one of the organizers to appear next to me to ask me if I REALLY want to continue or if they can finally go home. So, when I finally entered the club house I had already an excuse for my incredible delay on my tongue and was ready to say it - when I saw that the clubhouse was an empty room. No one was there. My first reaction? Wonderful, I am late AND at the wrong place. So I searched and checked - but it wasn’t that I was wrong, but that I was first. I lost sight of my fellow members because I was ahead of them… not dead behind. I refused to accept that and fell back into strong C-PTSD symptoms and the illness had it deeps claws back in me. It was an irony of life, that me breaking free would cause another PTSD - funny if it weren’t so painful.

Why me? [2:42]
Soon I started the question that so many have with survivor’s guilt - “Why me?”. Why not the others? I met so many on my journey… several going silent or their voices becoming weaker and weaker. The silence was deafening. I felt incapable of speaking, felt like I needed to throw up endlessly and like I committed a horrible, horrible crime. There were and are no words to describe the horror, terror, desperation, shock and so on. I felt hypocritical to complain about feeling bad - when others were literally dead, dying or still suffering. I felt like I cheated. That I took something that wasn’t meant for me. The cheater that got the price. I so DESPERATELY searched for others like me. But there were none. Those I found were way behind me. Or in delusion of their own state - none of them truly got rid of the root of the issues. Contained it? Sure. But I could still see and read the mechanism or strings of PTSD being present. That was over 2 years ago. I honestly stopped searching after that, because it had such a strong affect on me and I needed to look out for myself. Thankfully my experience and techniques helped me soon to contain it, but now I began researching survivor’s guilt and what I could do.

Finding purpose as band aid [4:27]
There was a lot of unhelpful and conflicting information - but the most important thing I took away from it was: I needed to get productive. I needed to do SOMETHING. If I made it and others didn’t - I must do some good. If I got away and others didn’t - I must make it mean something. I did plan over the time of my healing journey to write that journey down in a book - my life HAD been quite an unusual story. And reading others stories had helped me a LOT during my healing journey. I thought mine would have just been one in a collection of books. And then my plan was just to move on. Go back to studying - or whatever. But now - all focus was on how can I help others? I thought about how to spread my way of making it to as many people as I could reach. Even if they did not find use in my way - knowing SOMEONE made it - is SO important. An unbeatable mountain becomes a difficult mountain once someone planted a flag a top of it. Which lead to this podcast - with a lot of planning and organizing going into it. And it really DID help. Tremendously. I soon realized that there was no other way for me to go - despite me originally planning to just upload my path and not become active in this field. But I just couldn’t ignore the suffering of so many. There was no way. And here we are. I learned later to not just contain survivor’s guilt, but also root it out. But that would go beyond this episode. If you are interested in that let me know as usual.

Outro [6:24]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 85 - Episode skip - A little cold

Hello my dears,
I am sorry to say that I have to skip this episode again, because I am sick. I hope it is just a regular cold. I had to make the decision to push myself or to skip and this time my body made my choice clear to me. Why this is such an ongoing theme I get into in an episode soon - I plan to at least. I am really upset, that I can’t record an actual episode this time, but next time it should be all back to normal.

Hope you are well and safe. Take care and watch yourself
Johanna

Episode 86 - Why do I sabotage myself?

In this episode we get into the age old question of "Why do I sabotage myself?" - or keep if you repeately doing it. Despite our best efforts we seem to run into the same issues again and again. It happens to many, but especially those affected by PTSD can end in a loop or worsening their situation or the like. So why do we do it? Why does it fail? We need to break the cycle, which starts with talking about it. So let us talk about it.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something that most of you will have asked yourself “Why do I sabotage myself?” often the word keep is found in this sentence. Despite our best efforts we seem to run into the same issues again and again. We need to break the cycle, which starts with talking about it. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:32]
I am sure most of you - if not all - have been in this situation, where you caught yourself in a behavior you had sworn not to do again. Or you realize you are in the same situation again you never wanted to find yourself again in. Or you recreate your trauma. It is something that is hard to explain to anyone not involved and surely something that can not be explained with everyday logic. If you have a wound on your body you usually try to avoid damaging it further and not redo the wound every now and then. This is once again a conflict between what the brain tries to do to survive and not communicating it properly - or it not being understood - and what we would consider common sense. Or at least what it thinks it has to do. This is not the same as repeating relationship issues - as in keep picking the same type of person, being in a specific role and the like - this has a different cause, which we talk about in another episode. But it does include dreams - as they are the way to process things. Therefor we keep having the same dream (at least basically) until we resolve the issue.

Life on repeat - why it happens [1:49]
If your brain finds a trauma, a mystery or anything it can’t solve, it is like when you are cleaning and there is that one weird spot, that just won’t get clean. And you will be drawn back to it - in an attempt to clean it. You can try to step away from it. Try, but you will most likely keep being drawn back to it. Why is it there? Why can’t I remove it? Most likely you won’t find peace until you managed to remove it. And - as you might have guessed it - that is the same mechanism we are talking about. We do have a deep rooted need for answers, the reasons for that is up for debate, but the advantage we get from that is pretty obvious. Similar to the spot that just won’t get clean - so is an unresolved issue for our brain a stone in the system. It stops the machine from running smoothly, therefor it tries to get the stone out. It picks the stone up again and again and again - to see if it now has a place to put it. That is why when we have any sort of conflict, we can’t just let it go without thinking about it. Now if we let an conflict escalate or suffer trauma - this mechanism takes a more twisted turn. Our brain isn’t just trying to pick a stone, but instead now made the machinery center around that stone - so now your brain is drawn to that scenario. Since that stone has grown too large to sort, the brain made the machine work around it - which means recreating what caused the stone again and again. In hopes to keep the machine alive.

Life on repeat - why it fails [3:28]
So why does the mechanism of the brain not work? Why does it keep failing and we just keep re traumatizing ourselves? First it is important to remember that the brain HATES change - it rather keeps a model that kills it slowly than changing to an unfamiliar one. That means one possible explanation is, that the brain is used to doing it this way. Similar how you keep hitting your fingers while trying to hit a nail - your brain needs to get aware it does it wrong and needs to understand why and a better way to do it. That is the easiest solution. It gets a bit more complicated if the behavior you try to unlearn is linked to something you hold dear or is connected to someone you love or the like - see episode 82 regarding cognitive dissonance for this. The more complicated explanation is, that the brain tries to resolve the situation by facing it again - similar to a training exercise in an effort to remove the stone that grinds it gears - so to speak. Often this works, but then you wouldn’t be sabotaging yourself. What happens in most of our cases is, that the brain instead of removing the stone - it makes it bigger (or creates a pile of stones) which now blocks the machinery even more. The brain unable to change it ways will keep repeating this mistake. Until more and more gets blocked and can’t be used anymore or even worse outcomes. So the key to stop this cycle is to understand where this stone comes from and put it away. Which is sadly easier said than done.

Outro [5:19]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 87 - Why do I end up in bad relationships? (Sabotage II)

In this episode we will talk about how we end up in bad relationships - we suffering from PTSD or the like - often find that we keep having bad relationships. Be it family, friends, partner, coworker - simply any form of relationship. You are not only imagining it - it is something that is known and it is really important to understand the reason behind. This episode gives you an overview for the reasons that could be behind it.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about how we end up in bad relationships - not that there is a foolproof way, but we suffering from PTSD or the like - often find that we keep having bad relationships. Be it family, friends, partner, coworker - simply any form of relationship. You are not only imagining it - it is something that is known and it is really important to understand the reason behind. This is an overview, if you want more of a specific point - please tell me. Either way let us dive into it and find the reasons why.

Prelude [0:43]
I could - without a doubt - fill a library with this question. Human relationships are a huge topic with many nuances and complications and the like. So this episode is here to give you the short answer so you know where you need to look. Also this only covers the segment where you get screwed over by PTSD and the like - not the kind where you screw yourself over. That is up to you. It is also worth reminding, that we are talking about ANY sort of relationship - not just the romantic one. We are going into the 2 main factors and then into the consequences that follow it.

Relationship with mother/Mother figure - 0 to 2 years [1:22]
For the first factor I want to say beforehand, that this is independent of how good or bad everything else was. When you are around roughly 0-2 years old - the relationship with your primary caregiver, usually a parent, will shape your form of attachment. The later years will reinforce or lessen it - of course there is always room for adjustment. You learn how much you can rely on your primary caregiver to fulfill your needs and keep you alive. If all goes well, and a majority of people it does, it is a secure attachment. If not it is either avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized. This may lead to an inability to trust others, being clingy, problems with intimacy, unable to share thoughts, insecurity, bad at dealing with breakups, negative self image and the like. So in other words - simplified - if you have been feeling insecure and/or not confident in a relationship, be it about yourself or your counterpart - then you should really look into this topic.

Relationship to others - 2 to 6 [2:31]
The second factor, from the age of roughly 2-6 years - we learn our definition of normal. That means we learn how a normal relationship and a normal day looks like. At least in theory we do. We learn how we are treated is how it should be. So if you grow up in a household where when a person enters the room slaps everyone, then you will perceive that as normal and repeat that behavior. Until you learn otherwise. And if you get treated badly, you will think that is okay and normal. You are most likely reliving your relationships you had as a child - the good, the bad and the ugly. And in combination with the first factor - this mean you will accept to be treated in a specific way, sadly often in a bad way, because you don’t know it differently. And the sad truth is: People will treat you the way you let them get away with. If they don’t like boundaries or you saying no and standing up for yourself - they do not have your best interest at heart. You should have been taught to stand up for yourself as a child - as a way to ensure your wellbeing. If you haven’t I strongly recommend learning how to do it.

Side effects [3:48]
With these 2 factors in mind a lot will make suddenly sense. There is also the consequence, that these factors influence your body language, how you move, how you talk, how you express yourself, how you word things and so on. Now this has 2 consequences. One, you will this way attract similar people, who are similar unhealthy or in a similar position or share the same mentality and so on. And they will not encourage positive change and attack you for changing. Meaning you will have a less to no supportive social network. The other one is, that you will attract abusers. Who are drawn to these signals and know you will be a good target. You will accept being treated in a way, that no healthy person would. And they know exactly how to push the buttons they need to - as they know the insecurities and weak spots. This allows them to easily trap their victim and make escaping them incredible hard. It is best to avoid them as much as you can. If you are unsure if you are in a bad relationship, ask yourself “Do I feel comfortable, secure and protected in this relationship? Does it make me happy?”. If not, it might be wise to look into it. And ask yourself why you are in that relationship? Obligation shouldn’t be the reason. But that and more is a whole other topic, we might get into another time.

Outro [5:23]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode

Hello my dears,
I’m sorry to say that I just can’t record an episode. Down with a nasty cold, which sadly makes my voice not work properly… and recording the episode in cough code would take a bit too long. I am mostly fine, which is why I HAD hoped I could record it in time, but alas it was not meant to be and I had to admit defeat, as much as I hate it. Hope you are all better than me and in a good place
Take care and watch yourself
Johanna

Episode 89 - Is there a difference military and civilian trauma?

In this episode we will talk about the question that is important to the way we treat PTSD and in society: Is there a difference between military and civilian trauma? Luckily it is no longer a question if only soldiers get PTSD, but there have been some muddied water and confusion on those different situations. I think it is very important to understand this point, as this leads to confusion and to a lot of dead ends. So let us shed some light and talk about it.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something that has been a point of uncertainty since the first awareness of PTSD - is there a difference between military and civilian trauma? The question if only soldiers get PTSD is luckily more and more a relic of the past. I think it is very important to understand this point, as this leads to confusion and to a lot of dead ends. So let us shed some light and talk about it.

Prelude [0:36]
To make a long story short: The answer is no. There is no difference. This is sort of a correction on my end as well, as I did separate into military and non military myself and it was wrong that I did. I see that I correct things on my end as soon as possible. I had in the meantime a lot of time to research and understand both civilian as well as military trauma better. Additionally I finally managed to finish the categories of PTSD, which I will explain more next week, which cleared out the last doubts and old believes. Remember when I talked about the shapes of trauma in form of ring and ball trauma in episode 52? Well it turns out the answer is, that for military trauma there is basically no ball trauma. They start earliest with the ring trauma, if not the next stages. It turns out putting people who are sleep deprived and/or bodily weakened, facing a life or death situation, dealing with a lot of death, having to kill people, seeing friends die, dodging death themselves, deprived of their social network and the like - is bad. Especially for your mental health. Who knew? /s. I am aware not everyone faces those issues and might have faced different issues, but the underlying point is: The military is a high stress and pressure environment. I think we can all agree on that. So the problem with military trauma is that it starts in stage 2 so to speak - and many have trouble treating anything above ball trauma - if they can treat that at all. Especially the bigger ones.

Similarities between the two? [2:21]
The thing is, that civilian traumas can also go way beyond stage 1 - the ball trauma - and often for the same reason. Their life being in danger, they are regularly facing a lethal enemy, they suffer loads of bodily harm and so on and so forth. Once you understand what a trauma is, was causes it and how PTSD happens - it becomes pretty clear that it is the same mechanism. The military are just the ones looking out for it - and still doing a bit of a sub par job in offering good treatment. Those in the civilian sector who face it mostly are either children or civilians in war zones. Those children often don’t survive it into adulthood - be it being killed along the way by their abusers or to drugs/alcohol/other harmful coping mechanism later on. Which is sadly a strong tendency of those affected by childhood abuse - and to be honest… I can’t really blame them. Both parties face often a strong taboo - the civilian ones regarding speaking ill of those who raised them, their family or something the like. The military ones it either often shame, not appearing as weak, letting the other down or one of the other reasons. Either way both parties find it hard to speak out and face a lot of harsh backlash and criticism if they do so. Being insulted, harassed and becoming punching bags - which is why I don’t recommend stepping out or saying anything unless you are prepared to take a full brunt of the attack.

The stubbornness of the military… and civilians [4:00]
A point that makes the military trauma often worse without real reason - is the stubbornness of the ones having it not wanting to admit something is wrong. And keep going on despite all the signs that something is very wrong. To not loose their connections. This is encouraged by the military - for many reason others explained extensively. Though to be fair something similar happens with civilians, who refuse to accept that something like that has happened to them and it is not normal as they thought. As it usually means loosing a lot and letting go of things deeply loved. Similar to what I did. Most likely this stubbornness kept you alive so far - which is great and if utilized well it will keep you alive in what is to come - but it also prevents you from seeking help early on. So, to recap: There is no real difference between military and civilian trauma. It is just that military trauma is usually more extreme, as the more extreme civilian cases usually don’t survive and/or rather live in the shadows - for their own safety. It is the exact same mechanism, structures and so on. But there is a big problem with people not understanding the more severe stages of PTSD. Which I get more into next week in hope to give people better tools to communicate and act with.

Outro [5:29]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 90 - Sleeper trauma, Cluster trauma and Sea Urchin (Trauma update)

In this episode we will talk about the two final shapes of trauma and also update the sleeper trauma as it has changed quite a bit and then we going to get into the new shapes of Cluster Trauma and Sea Urchin. This belongs to my effort to categorize and organize PTSD and Trauma and PTS so people are better informed of what they need and more tailored help can be organized. So let us talk about it.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the two final shapes of trauma, at least as far as I can see now. We will also update the sleeper trauma as it has changed quite a bit. This belongs to my effort to categorize and organize PTSD and Trauma and PTS so people are better informed of what they need and more tailored help can be organized. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:32]
This is - for the time being - my last shape update. Next week we are getting into the stages. Which trauma is mostly which stage and shape and the whole model explained. To be honest I never thought I would need to do this. I thought someone already did. It would have been easier this way. But the fog of information and undefined descriptions REALLY grinds my gears. ESPECIALLY as this leads into a waste of the sparse resources we have available for PTSD - as talked in episode 81. Once again we go from simple to more complex shapes - we are in fact dealing with the 2 most complex shapes in this podcast. At least as far as I know. There will always be of course tweaking and updating, but the main road map is laid out. So let us get right into it - first we are going to update the sleeper trauma, then we going to get into the new shapes of Cluster Trauma and Sea Urchin.

Sleeper Trauma Update [1:35]
Let us talk about the Sleeper Trauma that I will rename to Suit trauma - the pancake sweet alternative stays untouched. The description mostly stays, as something that barely has any symptoms, but still poisons you - just more slowly. And similar to a suit - which why I refer to it this way now - you won’t notice it causing issues, as you have been wearing it for such a long time. And it is so thin that you can barely see it if you are looking at your own shadow. It can be all covering your body or just a segment. It is created by many, many small moments. Death by a thousand cuts principle remains. Be it insults, gestures, names, bad treatment and so on and the like. That all stays. But what it now adds, also a reason why I refer to it now as Suit trauma is that it is the perfect sticking ground for the other traumas. And they grow beautifully on it. One explanation could be, that the body is so busy dealing with the poison from the suit, that it has less resources for dealing with any new trauma. But that is a debate for another day. While it is not complicated to treat, it takes a VERY LONG time to do so.

Cluster Trauma [2:57]
Second, let us get into the highest stage regarding PTSD in my opinion, but the second highest regarding trauma. I am referring to the Cluster Trauma or if we stick to our sweet alternatives: Cotton Candy. This trauma is massive in its shape and size. And as the name cluster suggest it is an accumulation of traumas ranging from small ball to big ring while being surrounded by a fog sort of accompanying negative experiences and behavior that formed around of it. A classic example for this would be many months if not years of regularly physical abuse. This cluster is the collection of many years of a high conflict atmosphere, where there was no proper treatment or possibility to deal with what was experienced. Though this can also escalate from a ring trauma that is too long ignored or at least untreated. As this leads to unhealthy behavior which accumulates bad experience around it and often risky behavior that causes new traumas added to the cluster. These don’t have to be full trauma, they can be smaller trauma experiences. This escalation usually doesn’t happen from ball trauma - as it is more easily contained and treated.

Sea Urchin - PTS [4:23]
Last we get to the highest stage of trauma experience which I separate from PTSD for myself - as it is so significantly differently to the other trauma shapes and the experience is a league of its own. I am talking about PTS. The post torture syndrome, that was removed and placed under PTSD. Something I strongly disagree with. While the other shapes are soft or round - this one is the complete opposite. It has spikes - which why I chose sea urchin for this one. In case anyone hasn’t had a run in with these little bastards: They have the eye of Sauron and when you come too close they direct their long needly spikes toward your direction. Spikes break off easily and are difficult to remove. Not to mention quite painful. This definition is - of course - also including the non traditionally torture people associate in the media. It is the hardest to handle and to treat. It is unlike any other. Which is one of the reasons I want to specialize on it. I have to keep it simple for now, but I DO plan to get into it more in detail - but for now I have to leave it at that. Next week we get into the stages and put everything under one order.

Outro [5:45]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 91 - Why are the categories (stages) important?

In this episode we will talk about why separating PTSD in categories (stages in the last episodes) is so important and needed for everyone involved. A system of categories that tell the patients where they are, so they know what to expect and what they need.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about why separating PTSD in categories - which I referred to as stages in the last episodes - is so important and needed for everyone involved. I had talked about why PTSD as a spectrum is a huge problem in episode 81 and this is the solution I came up with. A system of categories that tell the patients where they are, so they know what to expect and what they need. So let us talk about it

Prelude [0:39]
The system consists of the 5 categories I have introduced so far. Category 1 is Suit/Sleeper Trauma, Category 2 is Ball/Bonbon Trauma, Category 3 is Ring/Donut Trauma, Category 4 is Cluster/Cotton Candy Trauma and Category 5 is Sea Urchin. With C-PTSD starting at Category 3. Though I still stand by my original point, that Category 5 should be a different thing on its own and not belong into this grouping at all. But because of the DSM and officially sorting I feel like I have to - to avoid confusion. There will be continued tweaking and correcting going on - as this is to be expected. There is no way I got it all perfect on my first try, but as said before, the main direction is now clear. I will put up an exact list and chart with all the details and examples, which I am still working on. This will be put in the description of this episode and I will tell you once it is finished. It is in need of more time. Some things might even change, but that remains to be seen. For now we focus on why the categories are so important, as in that you know where you are at/what to expect and know what you need.

Know where you are at/what you can expect [2:03]
There are many advantages for being in a specific category. It does not only tell you where you are at, but also what you can expect. How long will the healing take? Why do I have this symptoms but not others? Like that other person that went through something similar? What do I need to expect? What do I need to look out for? There is also the thing that the categories escalate if not treated properly. It can even go so far that it turns into a higher category. Even if the original trauma would as a baseline not qualify for that. Though mostly what comes with knowing where you are and what is going on, is a piece of peace of mind. These categories are there to help you visualize what you are up against. It is easy to fall into depression and/or feeling helplessness, if you enemy is shrouded in fog and keep hitting you out of nowhere. The categories are tools meant to be used. Dealing with PTSD is a skill like any other. The right tools, practice, information and experience make it more and more easy. Which helps also with future potential trauma and an improved mental health.

Know what you need [3:24]
Second, it lets you know what you need. This will not just help you with what to look out for while looking for a therapist, but also lets you know when someone is telling you absolute nonsense. Which is sadly still pretty common it seems. Knowing what you need helps you better communicate and negotiate it and just gives you overall a better stance. There is also the matter, that the different categories need different approaches or treatment. At least in some way. It also helps you to know where you should look for help. Often I heard of people getting advice because their problem sounds similar to another problem, but has complete different origins. Which often leads to people getting on the wrong path and/or walking in circles - which just drains them and leads to increasing frustration. Many I treated did a complete jump in their healing journey as soon they were given the right key words or pointers. Which is why they are so important and crucial to getting healed. There are many plans for the future and I will keep you posted.

Outro [4:38]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 92 - PTSD from hidden to cured - where is the difference and how do I know?

In this episode we will talk about something that I keep running into: What is the difference between healed and cured? What does it mean to be cured? What are the other stages that lead up to it? We will go through the stages and we start with hidden, then we continue with uncontrolled, contained, healed and - finally - cured.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something that I keep running into: What is the difference between healed and cured? What does it mean to be cured? What are the other stages that lead up to it? How are they like? And how do I know? Since this seems to be a place of confusion and rather important for those recovering - I thought it was long overdue we tackle this topic. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:34]
It is incredible how much false information, lack of information and misdirections are there for PTSD - for something that is around for so long that is really surprising. Especially with war putting an acknowledged spotlight on it. This is one of the more surprising ones on my end. But I also know that this nightmare of an illness tries to take any hope from you and often you can’t even imagine life without it anymore. So what is the light at the end of the tunnel? The silver lining? That is what we will get into this episode - and the stages before how they look like. I want to add before we start, that this applies to EVERY PTSD you have. They can have different states independently from another or depending on another. We will go through the stages and we start with hidden, then we continue with uncontrolled, contained, healed and - finally - cured.

Hidden [1:36]
The first stage is the hidden one, as where you have PTSD but don’t have really any of the symptoms. You have avoidance behavior to keep you save from triggers and other symptoms. But you often notice weird symptoms. Maybe you even notice that you have memory gaps. There is also the case that you might have absolutely no emotions regarding the trigger core. You might suspect something, but since you can still avoid it, you most likely will. This usually gets skipped if the cause for Trauma was an extreme life event.

Uncontrolled [2:14]
The second stage is that your symptoms are uncontrolled, usually happens after PTSD fully broke out. Which means they happen randomly and you are unable to contain them and living life is barely possible. Often this leads to more and more of an escalation of these symptoms. It is simply put - the illness without check and bounds, where a healing progression is not really possible, without containing the illness first. As therapy tends to make things unstable for a bit and furthers escalation in the uncontrolled stage. It is of utmost importance to control the situation as much as possible as soon as possible - be it with help from someone else or by yourself.

Contained [3:05]
The third stage is that your symptoms are contained, you still got them, but you got it mostly under control. Often this is achieved via medications. There is also barely any escalation of your symptoms, but they are slowly getting worse usually. You can manage your day mostly, best with help of course, and know when to expect symptoms and the like. This state is the minimum necessary for therapy. Most are in this stage - in my experience so far.

Healed [3:41]
The fourth stage is that your symptoms are healed, which means no longer symptoms. Finally! This is the point where most people stop therapy and are the lucky ones. This stage you can gain relatively easily if the trauma is small enough. Though often these people find themselves gliding back into PTSD, getting sometimes symptoms or relapsing. That is because the illness is still there - it just no longer has noticeable symptoms. It is almost like you went back to the first stage - the hidden one. On a side note, when you need to take medications and still have symptoms, you are NOT healed you are in the third stage contained, unlike some believe.

Cured [4:31]
The fifth stage and the final one is cured. This is the stage where you don’t fall back, it doesn’t come back and so on. But where is the difference? Well, the difference is, that the topic has become a neutral one for you. It doesn’t really bother you anymore. If you can talk about the core of the trauma like you can talk about the weather, then you are most likely cured. It doesn’t affect you anymore. Not saying that if you relive the memories that you won’t relive the stress about that moment, but that is it. Though it is of UTMOST importance that what you feel is easy and relaxedness and not no emotions. No emotions means your brain shut off the memory to avoid getting harmed. The key emotions are being at peace and at ease. Which does not mean that you think it is okay what happened - under no circumstances. It just means - to put it bluntly - you just don’t give a fuck anymore. Similar of how seeing an ex, even if the relationship went badly, shouldn’t faze you. Seeing them after many years should just make you go “oh… it’s ex” or if it was a nasty breakup “oh… it’s insert-insult-name-here ex” and then you continue with your life undisturbed. Which is the same aim we have for our PTSD - for it to be a thing of the past that is basically forgotten.

Outro [6:14]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 93 - 2 different kind of triggers (update triggers)

In this episode we will talk about triggers once again - this time we differentiate between two different kind of triggers and how to identify them and how they can be helpful. Last time I left out that there are different kind of triggers and you should handle them differently. We first get into the emotions trigger and then into the trauma trigger.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about triggers once again - this time we differentiate between two different kind of triggers and how to identify them and how they can be helpful. This is an important topic, which was overlooked for FAR too long. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:26]
Last time - quite a long time ago - I only explained how we use triggers to find where our trauma cores are, but left out that there are different kind of triggers and you should handle them differently. They are from very different origins. I recently realized that this was a blind spot I had failed to cover. When we talk about triggers, I would like to separate them by triggers of the open wound and triggers of the trauma core. Or emotions trigger and trauma trigger for short. Though one could argue, that the trauma trigger is also an emotional one, but that is quite a bit of nitpicking. To repeat the basics so we are on the same page: A trigger is a reaction to something. As simple as that. You smelling a burger might trigger your hunger for burgers. In the context of psychology, it means usually you have a reaction to something that you shouldn’t have. For example running away from a small spider. Not the usual reaction one would have. Triggers usually refer to something that causes a strong emotional reaction from you. Maybe even going so far for you to disassociate, see things, relive memories or the like. This reaction is involuntarily. Therefor many try to avoid them, which is generally not wise. We first get into the emotions trigger and then into the trauma trigger.

Emotions Trigger - Triggers of the open wound - how to identify and react [1:55]
With the emotions trigger avoiding is honestly not the worst thing one can do. But how do we identify one? Well an emotions trigger is when your triggered response comes from an still open wound. You surely had a similar situation before. When you lost and see the other team getting congratulated? It stings a bit, doesn’t it? Or seeing your ex after you broke up? There is this emotional hurt. I think everyone of you encountered it in one way or another. And it also appears during your healing journey. Just in this case - after a new revelation. A PAINFUL, new revelation. Often about someone we trusted or held dear being responsible for something bad. That is a VERY hard pill to swallow. If we want to go with the normal situation example than it is the realization of the betrayal of our partner via cheating. The realization of this new revelation leaves an open wound, which is really sensitive to touch and will cause an emotional response. For it properly to heal you have to leave it alone - as in avoiding the topic for a bit - because if you keep poking it, it won’t heal. At least for a while. It IS important to regularly check in and see if the wounds has closed or is healing. And if not one should investigate WHY. So to summarize: With an emotions trigger, it is wise to avoid if for a bit to give it time to heal and after a while see how things are now.

Trauma Trigger - Triggers of the trauma core - how to identify and react [3:36]
Maybe it has turned into the second trigger, the trauma trigger. This is the trigger I originally referred to. This is the trigger most people associate with PTSD. The soldier hears a bang and he is back in the war zone. The abuse victim hears a sentence the abuser always said and is getting a panic attack or the like. These are what most people associate with this trigger. While this is true, these examples are more on the extreme end of the spectrum. A trauma trigger is an unusual response to anything in relation to the trigger core. That includes you getting stressed out because you are doing something - when that is something that REALLY shouldn’t stress you out the least. Or you HAVE to do something in a specific way. Or you avoid something and never do it and you just don’t know why? Those are all trigger responses. Pretty far away what many associate with it. Of course there is also the known flashback and the like. And all these trigger responses are extremely useful. They are a trail. This is the point where you - if you are stable enough - go after that trail by keep asking why. Why do I respond like this? Why did I just do that? Why is that such a loaded topic? It can lead you to both an known AND unknown trigger core. You can also remove the trigger by following the trail with why questions. Remember: Facts don’t matter. Just emotions and feelings are relevant in this scenario. But that is a topic we will pick up another time. For now that covers these two triggers.

Outro [5:25]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 94 - What shapes a trauma (core) ? (Trauma update)

In this episode we will talk about something I skimmed over only before - how it comes that trauma take what shape. What factors lead to what kind of trauma (core)? This is mainly so you can identify if what you experienced counts towards trauma and/or for what shape and therefor category it belongs to.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something that I glossed over, because I didn’t realize how nebulous of a definition it is to the unfamiliar. I am talking about how it comes that trauma take what shape. It seems rather obvious in retrospect, but it is crucial to understand what kind of trauma category you have and for some if you have PTSD at all. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:33]
Of course the shape we are talking about is a metaphor to help you visualize that hidden illness - similar to a drawing of something. I find that often people have trouble finding words and explaining what is wrong with them when they have PTSD. Nothing seems accurate and most don’t even think for a moment they have PTSD, because the typical or known things are usually significantly different from what they have. For example what is a trauma. Another nebulous term. Which I tried to explain better in the third episode of this podcast, but I realized by now, that this might have all been a bit much and too overwhelming for people to be certain. So this time I keep it very simple. This is mainly so you can identify if what you experienced counts towards trauma and/or for what shape and therefor category it belongs to. Short reminder of course, that this is always in general terms and very broad. This is meant as a tool of orientation. As each trauma is very individual. So it is important to be honest with ourselves. Maybe write things down. First we talk about the shape it takes, then a small insert about PTS and then how it keeps growing afterwards

What shape does the trauma take? (as long as the trauma lasts) [1:57]
First thing you need to understand about trauma is, that the trauma only ends if the whole ordeal is over. If we stay with the famous car accident example, then the trauma only ends as soon as you are safe. If you are stuck in the car, it is still the same trauma. So you could call a trauma a very extreme stress situation. And this stress situation is something our brain can’t overcome as anything before and therefor we get PTSD. That is why there is such a huge shape difference between the suit and the ball trauma. The suit trauma consists of many, many small things happening over long period of time. But those don’t go deep, therefor this trauma is very thin. Constant belittling and insulting is the perfect example of a suit trauma. If you have multiple things happening, like the insults AND regularly beating, then those are 2 different traumas. Each way of abuse or event or whatever has its own category. Something I plan to get into more detail in another time. For now it is important to remember that a trauma lasts until the situation is over - there can be no recovery as long an issue is still ongoing. If the things isn’t regularly or semi regularly at least, then it becomes different traumas. For example occasional beatings. The more painful and/or extreme the experience, the deeper the cut into your soul goes and therefor the wider your trauma gets. The car example is short and extreme - almost the perfect ball example. The more strong elements affect the situation - the more likely it is going to be a ring trauma. If it lasts over a long time then it will be most likely a cluster trauma. That was a short overview, but as usual, if you have questions, please ask.

Small insert of PTS - how it is so significantly different [4:02]
Which leads to our short insert about PTS, the post torture syndrome, and its significantly different nature. As mentioned before the more severe a experience is, the deeper it cuts into your soul and the wider your trauma is. Now torture takes this to a whole new level. While the damage to your soul is not the goal of the abuse you suffer, it is either a nice side effect or irrelevant or the like to the abuser. With torture that is the aim and the main goal. While during abuse the goal is to hurt you and risk you taken psychological damage it is the exact other way around for torture. It is to maximize the damage on the soul to break the person or leave them as much crippled as possible. Which is why I keep it separate and why PTS is a whole league on its own.

How it keeps growing after it happen [4:59]
With that out of the way that leaves us to the final point: The growth that happens afterwards. It is similar to a regular wound - if you ignore it and don’t treat it, it will most likely get more and more worse. With each time it getting triggered, activated, relived in a similar situation and so on -the pile gets bigger and the trauma grows. And there is no limit how far it will grow and it might even turn into a higher category. It additionally keeps blocking more and more of who you are. Also often having PTSD - even hidden - leads to unwise decisions that make a new trauma more likely. It is an absolute viscous circle that keeps escalating hard. That is why it is so important to treat the trauma as soon as you can and not only after PTSD brought you to the brink of your existence. Which I know is hard and the fewest will do - which included me in the past.

Outro [6:06]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 95 - When does a Trauma (not) become PTSD?

In this episode we will talk about something that is the question at the core of the illness: When does a trauma become PTSD? And when doesn’t it? This also covers why some traumas cause some people PTSD but not others. And this leads us to the factors that determine the size of the trauma, first we get into the factors of the person affected and then the factors of the trauma itself.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something that is the question at the core of the illness: When does a trauma become PTSD? And when doesn’t it? Picking up directly from last episode, I thought I could continue with it right away as it is connected. This also covers why some traumas cause some people PTSD but not others. This episode will hopefully help you understand and give you an idea what the trauma core is. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:35]
Before we get into it, let us preface, that of course it is not meant as a fool proof method. A trauma is a very individual and personal experience, so there is always wiggle room that might tilt things or you might not be aware of all the factors. This is supposed to be a recipe of factors that cause it and with many factors there is just always a room for error. I will introduce the factors that play a role in this and how they are affected. This is not what kind of trauma it is, that is what we talked about last episode, just explains how big it becomes. As in theory, every trauma basically causes PTSD sort of, but usually the mind has mechanism to resolve it on its own. Which is why we get only a PTSD diagnosis after the symptoms last several weeks. You basically only get PTSD - by the official standards - if the trauma is too big for your own system. Which is when additional steps are necessary. And this leads us to the factors that determine the size of the trauma, first we get into the factors of the person affected and then the factors of the trauma itself.

Factors of the person [1:48]
As mentioned we start with the factors that affect the person itself.
1. Brain capacity: Which I would argue is the most important factor, as it the backbone of it all. This factor is lowered by stress, tiredness, troubles, hunger and the like. This factor also determines the speed of your recovery and your ability to tackle PTSD.
2. Preconditions: This factor is lowered by having preconditions, be it other trauma before or any other trouble you keep under wraps. Suppressing something drains you and makes you more vulnerable to future trauma effectiveness.
3. Protection: How good was the brain able to shield itself? Did it had earlier experiences how to deal with a situation like this? This factor is lowered, when the brain is not able to shield or prepare itself or the like regarding the trauma.
4. Stability: How stable was the soul construct before trauma hit? Basically, how secure was your character when you got hit by it. People in change or in crisis are more vulnerable. So this factor is lowered by a lack of stability.

Factors of the trauma [3:03]
And Second we get into the factors of the trauma.
1. Length: The longer, the less energy reserves are available and the less the brain is able to protect itself. Over a very long period of time it becomes basically impossible not to get PTSD and even get CPTSD in most cases. So this factor is lowered the longer it takes.
2. Severity: How severe was the trauma? A pretty straight forward factor, which is lowered the more severe a trauma is.
3. Complexity: Where there several factors involved? Be it other traumatic experiences or just things that take a situation to a worse level. This factor is lowered the more complex a situation is.
4. Aftermath: Was the brain afterwards able to relocate resources? And calm down? Giving the brain some happy impulses and free space after a trauma can help tremendously - as studies have shown. This factor is lowered the more stressful the aftermath is.

Summary [4:11]
So to recap: There are several factors that determine the size of the trauma. The lower the factors are, the bigger the trauma and they do add up easily. As much as many factors are out of our control, having a balanced mind helps you the most. The smaller the easier the recovery and possibility of healing and curing. The size can vary greatly with so many factors, as you can imagine, but even a remotely sized trauma will cause PTSD, because of the brain capacity factor. Brain capacity is relevant twice, as it determines how much a trauma affects us - aka its size - and also if the resulting trauma is too big and therefor causes PTSD. The more brain capacity available - the bigger the trauma that an be processed. That has of course limitation and if it takes too long, no brain capacity will be large enough to deal with it. Nonetheless I hope this answer your question why some trauma turn for some into PTSD.

Outro [5:16]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 96 - Dealing with loss through suicide

In this episode we will talk about suicide - focusing on those left behind and the coping with the suicide of another person. It is important as we need to talk about it but it is still often taboo. We first will talk about how PTSD/Depression warps ones sense of reality and then why it is not your fault.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about suicide - as it is memorial day and I thought about all the ones we loose through suicide often because of PTSD. This time I wanted to focus on those left behind and the coping with the suicide of another person. This doesn’t just apply to soldiers. I might do a topic on suicide another time if it is wanted. It is important as we need to talk about it but it is still often taboo. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:39]
I have my own share of experiences, no matter if it was suicidal thoughts, talking someone out of suicide or loosing someone through suicide. It is so incredible hard to reach someone in the stage, where they made already that decision. It is the solution to their suffering, they think, and the good end they have been looking for. It is so easy getting lost, especially with the help of PTSD or depression. The world suddenly seems to follow different rules and changes completely. Even with my extensive knowledge and some experience - talking someone out of suicide is extremely difficult. And it is sadly important, that you go into that conversation with the knowledge, that it might not work. And that there is nothing you can do about that possibility. When dealing with humans there is always the chance things go in a surprising direction. That isn’t your fault. All we can do is act on the best of our abilities. That is sadly sometimes not enough. We first will talk about how PTSD/Depression warps ones sense of reality and then why it is not your fault.

Depressions/PTSD warped sense of reality [1:54]
The absolute heartbreaking reality is, that Depression/PTSD warps your sense of reality into a VERY twisted form of nightmares. Everything becomes pointless. Food without taste, same with drinks. Sex is dull and your orgasm will become meh. Movies, music, sports, books, new things and so on - all of it will give you less and less joy. Anything that was once a source of energy, positivity and the like will become more and more barren. Though the worst part - in my opinion - is what it does to our love. Be it the love for our friends, family, partner, pets or anyone - it blocks our ability to feel it. To feel the warmth of it. Without it the world becomes a cold, dark and harsh place. The goal is really to take more and more away from you until you give in - it is like a self destruction feature of the body. And it is initiated by the brain, which interprets the world around us for us. Which means it determines the narrative and we are at its mercy. If the brain says there is a huge yeti in front of you, then you will believe it - even if your logic tells you, that there is no way this is true. And this brain not only tells you there is no longer any love, but that you are an active burden to those around you. It is not hard to believe that, when you are not able to work or be productive and reliant on help of others and often you are in that state because of depression/PTSD. Trust me you honestly believe that with the fullest of your heart.

It’s not your fault [3:44]
Which leads us to it’s not your fault section. As people in this state genuinely believe they are doing those around them a favor by killing themselves and that they will be grateful and relieved for this act, after being sad for a bit. Even if they experiences the suicide of someone else. There is no logic to it. Some believe that the person committed suicide was important to the group - unlike themselves. The brain is the one who interprets how we perceive other people and what they do. So the brain makes every frown a face of deep disgust, laughters is always about you and never with you, every sigh is a sign that you want that person not around and the like. You can’t be so good that you won’t do any of these. The brain is ACTIVELY looking for them to justify the suicide plans. It will make out of nothing a huge pile. I am not saying this to give you the feeling that everything you do is pointless - far from it. You are likely one of the last beacons they have. I just want to explain why it is so incredible hard and why the odds are stacked against you and that even if you go at it with all you have - you still might loose this battle. This is not your fault. Sometimes it is just a few seconds. I dodged quite a few of those. A few seconds later one wouldn’t have done it. I know it is easier to beat yourself up, because that means you can hold someone responsible, even it is yourself. Where else to go with your pain, hurt, frustration, anger, grief and the like? It is easier to blame yourself than to accept that these things just happen. Because that means they can happen again at any time. Which means you can get hurt again. So it is easier to hold yourself accountable to get some sort of control back. But this is life. Things just happen. Good and bad. And as much as we would like to control it - we can’t. It is best to let go and accept you can’t control it and that it isn’t your fault.

Get help if you feel like you need it [6:03]
I will end this episode with a plea for your to get help if you feel any way in this regard. Get help when the trouble is as small as possible. I will leave links and contacts in the description. You are not bothering them - there are people there that would love to help you. You aren’t wasting their time - on the contrary. They would love to help you when your trouble hasn’t become extreme yet, because that is always easier and better to do. I beg you to reach out if you feel like you need help. It happens so fast.

Outro [6:44]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful - especially with this dark topic. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 97 - When is it one trauma and when two or more? (Trauma update)

In this episode we will talk about trauma again, this time about where to separate them and when they are actually belong together.
Usually the trauma get separated by the time that passed between them and then what form the trauma took. So we first talk about common vs sporadic and then how different form of abuse result in different form of traumas.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about trauma again, this time about where to separate them and when they are actually belong together. Because these guys just won’t come in matching colors. Sarcasm set aside it is difficult to distinguish them. It is important though, because this way you know what kind of trauma you are dealing with and how to treat them. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:33]
Sometimes I miss the time, when I had the position, that no matter the trauma, I either had C-PTSD or I was well. I didn’t saw a point in distinguishing between the traumas, as it was all PTSD either way - so, why bother? But sadly the more I studied PTSD and the more I discovered, the more I lost oversight and had to admit, that I at least had to separate the different traumas. It was otherwise just a huge jungled up mess. And the Achilles heel of PTSD is as soon it is fully exposed - it is at its weakest. It is a creature that hides in the darkness and strikes from there, but doesn’t really has much of a defense besides that. That is why spreading the information and gaining knowledge is SO important. Though I will admit that at one point I just stopped counting, because the list was already too ridiculously long and I no longer really needed it. But I do know the struggles of disentangling your own experiences and trying to figure out where and how to place them. I plan a chart, hopefully also a flow chart and the like for this reason - among other things. Usually the trauma get separated by the time that passed between them and then what form the trauma took. So we first talk about common vs sporadic and then how different form of abuse result in different form of traumas.

Common vs sporadic [2:08]
So let us start the common vs sporadic segment by repeating what was said in episode 95: A trauma is as long as the situation lasts - even if it takes years, even decades. Also multiple traumas can happen at the same time. More to that in the second part. We are solely focusing on the time aspect for now. So the trauma lasts as long the situation holds on and you are affected by it actively. Like being in an abusive relationship. But what about the abuse you might wonder? You usually don’t experience the abuse non stop. This is where we need to separate between common and sporadic. Which is interestingly enough depending on the interpretation of your brain. But in general, if it happens on a regular basis it is common. If the insults come daily, it is common. If the violence outburst are here and there - then it is sporadic. And would just be added to the cluster that is an abusive relationship. I would even go so far to say that once a week is borderline to sporadic. The key question is, do YOU remember a type of abuse as being a regularly and common experience? Or is it more something that happened sporadicly? If it is the second, than each sporadic event counts as its own thing. Be it a small ball trauma or a small ball in the cluster.

Different form of abuse = different form of traumas [3:38]
Which leads us to the second segment - in which we talk about the different form of abuse that result in different form of traumas. We first separate between a dangerous situation and actions of a person. A life threatening situation is traumatic and as longer it lasts the bigger the trauma gets. As long as the threat remains the situation is still ongoing as is the traumatic experience. The same goes for abusive relationships. Or any traumatic situation. If we stay in the abusive relationship, then having your life under threat at all times and the abusive relationship itself are two different traumas. If it is an occasional threat to the own life or yours it belongs either to the trauma or is its own separate thing. There is a different trauma for violent abuse as it is for verbal one. They each belong to their own category. As does neglect and abandonment. Everything that damages the soul in a different way is its own trauma - even if both ways are via violence. A slap on the hand and a punch on the face are very different levels of threat - on a baseline. In context a slap on the hand can be a death threat. So key in the separation of the violence, is, the theme they fall under. Which once again your brain decides. Examples of themes are life threatening, threatening, reminder to stay in line, punishment, part of the daily interactions and so many more. The important part is how you perceived those actions against you and if you can put them into one group. So to recap: We separate traumas depending how much times passed between experiences and under which theme these experiences happened.

Outro [5:32]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 98 - Why do people think (C)-PTSD can't be cured?

In this episode

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a question that I had on my mind ever since I started fighting back against PTSD. Why do people think PTSD can’t be cured? It is a sentence you can read anywhere. A sentiment deeply ingrained. They focus on the symptoms but don’t have the hope of curing it. It boggles my mind. There are though things that keep people from being cured, which is important to know. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:41]
I said on this podcast before, that I have yet to meet a person I thought was a hopeless case on principle. I met a lot of people who were in a dead end and saw no way out. Only walls encompassing them. Or people lost with no idea where to go. They just are stuck in the storm and walk in circles until they are exhausted. They are most of the time completely hopeless and can’t imagine there is any way out of their situation. Which is understandable - a person can endure only so much before losing hope. It makes sense to recognize a pointless endeavor and stop wasting energy on it. I absolutely love talking to these people, when they are open to listening. They tell me their situation, I say something and EVERYTHING changes. And I love that SO much. The moment it clicks and the face falls down in realization and complete and utter disbelief what the solution was. The whole body relaxes, the shoulder loose their weight and relax and they sink back into their chair lost in thought. And you just see their mind working. Most stuck people are so close to the solution and once you shown them that there are other paths, they start looking for them the next time they get stuck. And I usually know where they are by heart. If you show them once the vulnerability of PTSD, they often start to turn the tables and question everything they are fed by PTSD and almost charge out of the door. There is a way to break free - that knowledge alone changes everything. But how do people get stuck and even worse remain stuck? That is what we are going to get into today.

Outmatched [2:46]
Before we get into the points of being stuck, I want to preface it with the situation of being outmatched. You are engaged with your PTSD, but are unable to finish it. This might be because you came to weak into this situation. Or you lack the tools. Or the support. Or go at it from the wrong angle. You are not being stuck more in a standstill and usually you get a hint or help that helps you push trough it - and it just takes a bit longer.

They don’t do anything / time will fix things [3:20]
The first point I am guilty of myself, I didn’t do anything and kind of hoped that time would fix everything. You know the saying “time heals everything?”, well apparently that only applies if you work on it during the time. Something someone should add. This position just leads to an escalation of PTSD.

They don’t change anything [3:45]
Which leads us to the second point, that they don’t change anything. You know the people that know the solution, but don’t want to do the solution or change anything? Yes, they are also stuck and usually remain stuck. Unless of course it is a temporarily stall to give oneself more time to swallow a bitter pill or accept something.

People to afraid to even move / no hope / Paralyzed [4:10]
Then third are the people that want to change and know they have to, but can’t because they are paralyzed, have no hope, are too afraid to move or the like. That is sometimes a sign that the person is too unstable to deal with it at the moment. Or that there is another trauma blocking any advancement to this trauma. Trying to stabilize the person, reducing the symptoms and understanding where this paralyzing fear comes from is usually the way to go. As long as there is an attempt it might take more time, but it can be done. But it is easy to get stuck and remain stuck this way.

Bad therapist [4:53]
And the forth point is, that there are bad therapist. Some are just bad overall and some are just bad for you or your kind of trauma. If you feel like you are just not progressing it might be time to get a new therapist. I know, easier said than done. The sparseness of resources for PTSD we talked about before on this podcast. Very easy to get stuck on and remain stuck. Though self therapy is possible, but it is quite difficult.

They stop at healing -> need to change therapy type [5:26]
Then there is the last, but not least point of that they stop at the healed stage. Many are then free of symptoms and think it is all done. Also most seem not to be aware, that you need to switch the approach to PTSD once you reached this state. You go from a clear target - the obvious trauma - to the roots and deeper works of the trauma. Not doing this just leads to and endless circle of repetition of the PTSD experience.

Take your life back [5:59]
Last, but definitely not least, I want to encourage you to embark on this journey. Focus on something small you think you can do and then work yourself through it. You gain more and more confidence zhis way. Also you regain more and more control of your life again - and of your feelings. If you feel like you are stuck please reach out. I either usually answer per mail or tackle it in an episode. People who are fighting so hard shouldn’t be stuck on some details.

Outro [6:36]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/Therapy and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 99 - Dealing with bad days

In this episode we will talk about - bad days. A rather uncomfortable topic and something everyone of us would rather avoid, but sadly is a significant part in your healing journey. It is something we need to be open and honest about, especially with ourselves. It is frightening, unsettling and demotivating, which is why we talk today about 5 points to help you hopefully to better deal with bad days.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about something we touched upon several times in this podcast - bad days. A rather uncomfortable topic and something everyone of us would rather avoid, but sadly is a significant part in your healing journey. It is something we need to be open and honest about, especially with ourselves. So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:36]
There are just these days when you wake up and you know… today no big strikes will be done. Sometimes even making it to the evening can be an achievement to be proud about. Not that it will feel like it, but it is. There are of course also the bad phases or worst days, where you are at your lowest. The bad days are worse in some regard, because everything is going well and then the bad day apparently comes out of nowhere. It is like the ground under your feet is suddenly gone and you just fall. And you are also left to wonder if it is just a bad day or the start of a bad episode. It is frightening, unsettling and demotivating, which is why we talk today about 5 points to help you hopefully to better deal with bad days.

1. Don’t fight the bad day [1:33]
First, don’t fight the bad day. As much and as tempting it is to try to turn this day into a positive and not into a complete failure - it is sadly wasted energy - like swimming against the stream. And you NEED that energy. When you have limited energy, like when you are recovering or on your healing journey, it is crucial to have good energy management. That means knowing when to sit it out and when to push. When to use defense and when to use offense. And bad days mean is is high time to dig in deep and try to minimize the damage as much as possible. It sucks, but sometimes there is no choice.

2. Don’t try to catch up [2:22]
Second, don’t try to catch up. This usually applies to the next day, but also sometimes for the time after. Once again it is tempting to try to catch up the lost time and all the work that was piling up, but doing so will just exhaust you and likely make you crash. I went through that several times myself. It is not worth it, as much as it pains you to see the piles just getting bigger and bigger. But sadly it isn’t like just because you feel better again that you have loads of energy reserves suddenly appear out of nowhere. If you can - add a bit to your daily stuff, but be very careful as pacing is really important.

3. Going good isn’t the norm [3:12]
Third, going good isn’t the norm. This is something we like to assume, that the good times are the standard and the rest are the off times. That makes it so hard to spot the good times while you are in them - you expect them to keep going. But things going good isn’t the norm. They are the unusual exception. Neither is everything going wrong. Normal is - as usually - a mix of good and bad and the mix varies daily. Though I would like to argue that the good things usually are more. We just sadly have the tendency to focus on the bad things… and rarely do the good things overshadow everything.

4. Nothing you can do about them [3:57]
Fourth, there is nothing you can do about them. Which makes them so horrible. There is a good reason why being surrendered to fate causes depression or at least a depressive mood. Which is not what I am meaning or suggesting - luckily. But that you have to sit them out. Like a rainy day. Just more frustrating. The best, in my experience, is just to let go and call it a dead day, where nothing happens. And try to get as much positive energy as you can. Or at least minimize the negative effects. Min maxing is needed. Minimal effort, maximal results. Routine and experience helps as usual. I always recommend to try around and see what works for you best. Everyone is different.

5. It will pass [4:51]
And last, but most definitely not least: It will pass. That is not the most comforting thought but it helped me through my PTSD journeys. Everything passes. The good and the bad. It is a law of nature. Everything passes - nothing remains the same. And while that doesn’t make your heart full of hope - it is a good lifeline. I also think it is important to remember that you are getting there - how fast is not really important. Only getting there. As much as we prefer the faster the better. On the other hand - we never reach our goal as fast as we want. We are usually kind of impatient… so I recommend pacing yourself and trying to make most of the trip. No matter how bad the trip is - it can still be made better. Not necessarily good, but better.

Outro [5:58]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

Episode 100 - Let me reintroduce myself

In this episode we do things a little bit different. With this being the 100th episode, I thought it would be a good time to redo the introduction, as quite a bit has changed since then. We will go chronically from my earliest years to the most recent perspective. I will summarize a lot to keep the size manageable and try to avoid being graphic or anything the like. This should help not to overwhelm people. I have more information in episode 1 and there will be more on the website.

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we do things a little bit different. With this being the 100th episode, I thought it would be a good time to redo the introduction, as quite a bit has changed since then. We will go chronically from my earliest years to the most recent perspective. I will summarize a lot to keep the size manageable and try to avoid being graphic or anything the like. This should help not to overwhelm people. I have more information in episode 1 and there will be more on the website or in doubt just ask me. That being said - lets get started.

Early years [0:47]
We start… with me being a baby. Even that early the abuse started, not that I have any memories of that, but there are family videos with strong indication of what is happening off screen, but not off sound. The body remembers and it causes a unique trauma. I suffered through every version of trauma at least once, except being penetrated - before I even entered primary school around age 6. This also includes the torture. I also lived in constant fear of dying through the whole time. Non stop. 24/7. I had a main abuser, no not my parents, but also a wide array of lesser abusers in my family. I was able to identify some now on the narcissism spectrum - which is rather hard given the subject matter. So one can say I have an extensive knowledge about trauma - to put it mildly. Despite being the perfect little girl they told me to be, so the bad things wouldn’t happen. And did I try to be that good girl. But it was set out to fail from the start.

It gets worse [2:12]
And it only gotten worse from there - as in starting around age 6. Besides the daily beating - the other behaviors became more and more escalating. All while the daily beating just got worse and will end up causing nerve damage in my arms. Which was a trade in for my brain, that I desperately tried to protect and succeeded to do so. But as bad as the beating were, they were on a schedule. The surprise attacks during the day were worse and more dangerous. While in the evening it was just to let out all the anger - during the day he exploded and had no limits how far things could go. This was when he went the farthest and was the most unhinged. Where he liked to experiment. Where my suffering was the focus. Around age 12 it started getting more towards psychological torment. Despite that, one of the consequences was that my body started to deteriorate slowly, but steadily. Something I still feel the consequences of to this day… and likely will stronger in the future. At age 16+ it came to a showdown which ended with the whole ordeal ending… the physical side mostly at least. But my mental state nonetheless kept getting worse - slowly, but inevitably.

Breakout and the time after [3:48]
Until it completely broke out during my psychology study. It is truly never a good sign to see your symptoms on the screen during class… I remember just thinking “Fuck me”. I also knew I had to move fast and get help ASAP. Despite my attempts to get help as soon as possible - no one accepted me. I was an old case. Hopeless. The chances of treatment were low and no spots available or none at least for an old case. I ended shortly in a spot with an unfinished psychology student, but had to give that up, when my state worsened and I had to move back with my mother. There I got no help. Which meant I was doomed to die. It gotten worse and worse. I was in a state of intense pain, it felt like my body was torn apart, but slowly and without me dying. I slept… when I could… in short patches. Hours of sleep became more and more a rarity. Even if I slept I had horrific nightmares and kept waking up. I couldn’t eat. When I was able to eat I just stuffed my face to not starve. I couldn’t focus - I could barely do anything at all. This was PTSD in end stage for me. Agony - without any chance of distraction.

The End of the line [5:24]
Which lead inevitably to the end of the line for me. My body told me, that I was a few months at best away from dying. Whatever I was doing needed to change. That was the point, where I decided I couldn’t make things worse - as if I am an optimist. But there was literally no other choice besides lying down to die and that was never my way. So - not an option. I had no hope of healing, I just tried to apply my knowledge to reduce my suffering and make my remaining time less painful. I was actually shocked how easy and successful I was - despite it taking weeks to do so. I had no help, the support of my surrounding could be boiled down to “Are you healed yet?”, despite knowing C-PTSD was incurable. At least to our knowledge back then. Suffering less and getting more time sounded like a pretty good deal to me, so I tried again. And kept going and going and going… until after years I had bitten enough down and had conquered my first C-PTSD. I was healed, but not cured. Which meant now I had the choice, do I return back to normal life or continue what I started? And… after that absolute agonizing experience I decided I want to NEVER EVER deal with this nightmare again. So I went underground to deal with it once and for all. In the end with great success. Better than anything I had dared to dream for.

Survivors guilt and this podcast [7:17]
Now that I was fully cured I tried to get to the club meeting of C-PTSD cured people, and as I had taken so long with all those wrong paths I had chosen and with no help - I lost track of many of my fellow sufferer on the way. I thought I was dead last. The club house was empty. And it dawned on me what happened to those I lost track along the way. I knew the state of others. That was the moment I developed survivor’s guilt and got my PTSD symptoms back. Which slowly started to escalate again. I will stick to my comparison of a burning building. You get out, completely blinded still by the smoke that made seeing inside almost impossible. Only to discover you are the only one who made it out of the building - while you can still hear the screams. Or sometimes only the body that is left from their attempt. What do you do in such a situation? Going back in isn’t going to do any good. So you try to shout instructions. Which is how the idea of this podcast was born. The plan was to give the instructions on how I left the building and help so others to leave the building.

Changing the theme and therapy [8:48]
While preparing and doing the podcast I began to cure myself from more and more C-PTSD s and PTSD s, that I had to change my position on either you have it or you don’t - and started making a list. I also kept learning about PTSD and everything around it. During the podcast I realized, that I hadn’t gotten any help not only because I was an autist and it was harder, but also because how horribly bad the situation was for everyone. How lacking resources and information and available treatment was. Which made me change my podcast to cover more and me starting to offer therapy. But then - once again - tragedy hit at the second half of last year and I was confronted with a horrendous situation that would last for months and cause a cluster trauma. This lead me to cancel and stall my plans. But the worst was that at the end of the last year - I had to deal with 3 cluster traumas at the same time. That was a lot - even for me. While my success wasn’t in question - that did block and slow down me quite a bit. Which lead to a noticeable chaos and change in podcast - which I am sorry for, but it was outside of my control. The aftermath of it sadly still causes for stumbling in my everyday now and then. Nothing serious, but enough to cause trouble occasionally.

The silver lining [10:46]
I want to end this episode on a silver lining after all this rather dark content. I gained intense and deep knowledge of trauma and how it is structured and works. This knowledge I believe can be used to help so many people who have little hope right now. My trouble with putting that knowledge into words that people understand is sadly the biggest slowdown and something I can’t just change, because the reason is my autism. Which also makes it possible for me to visualize PTSD. And this helped me to be able to say, that I can cure a base C-PTSD within a few months. It of course depends on how strong the patient is going and if life doesn’t sabotage. Which it realistically does most of the time. That is just how it is. This is what makes me hopeful - that my experiences will help eradicate or at least constrain this illness as much as possible. And rid humanity of this bane as much as possible.

Outro [11:56]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it insightful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/Podcast, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.