Episode 121 - But I am totally fine (what does mentally unwell/sick really look like?) (Basics) - Part1
In this episode we will talk about a statement I hear all the time - “But I am totally fine! I am not crazy!” and - in case of PTSD - “I don’t have flashbacks!”. Usually coming from someone who is not totally fine and many with PTSD don’t have flashbacks. Which lead me to come up with a model to explain first how your mental and physical health are connected and how they escalate. We will talk about setting up the model, then how crazy looks like with it and then we end with bad childhood influence.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a statement I hear all the time - “But I am totally fine! I am not crazy!” and - in case of PTSD - “I don’t have flashbacks!”. Usually coming from someone who is not totally fine and many with PTSD don’t have flashbacks. Though I understand why people say it - there is a fundamental misunderstanding about mental health and how a mentally healthy person is like. Which is rather important to know if it is what you are aiming for. So let us talk about it. But before that I once again apologize for my voice in advance and the delay.
Prelude [0:54]
First off, I want to say it is completely understandably to be at least confused about the whole situation. There are so many opinions out there, ranging wildly and contradicting themselves. And even professionals are sometimes decades behind with their knowledge. The core issue of course being that mental health isn’t something you can measure like your blood sugar level. You can’t say this amount is fine, but below x amount or above x amount you are in trouble. It is this invisible wobbly mess. Even I - to this day- struggle sometimes to properly explain what I mean by it. It took me also way beyond me being cured from my PTSD to fully understand it myself. So I completely understand the confusion and the frustration most of all. Which lead me to come up with a model to explain first how your mental and physical health are connected and how they escalate. We will talk about setting up the model, then how crazy looks like with it and then we end with bad childhood influence.
Basic - How it works [2:08]
We start with explaining the model and the body and mind interaction. The model I choose is a company - and you are the boss of this company. The company fits neatly in one building and has many departments full with workers. You sadly can’t really leave your office, so you are dependent on the managers of their departments to give a good analysis of what is going on. That is a visualization how our brain interprets the world around us so that we can understand it. While you can give those managers instructions - it is almost impossible to control every aspect - therefor you redirect it. You can give orders, but the more detailed the harder it gets - you just have so many workers and tasks happening at the same time. The equipment is your body and the work environment is your mental health in this model. If the equipment is in bad shape that leads to bad work environment. And bad work environment leads to your equipment to be bad. All your workers are the processes in your brain that are happening. And that sets up our model.
Crazy in this model [3:20]
Now what most associate with being crazy in the context of this model is basically the end stage. You lost control over your company, your manager don’t give you reliable information on what is going on and therefor you don’t know where you are. Be it time, place or other people. Also this leads to trouble within the company itself - your orders get deluded, misdirected or just end up nowhere. Which leads the different departments not working properly together and leading to more and more failures. Like you say you want 50 copies, but instead you get a coffee. You lost control over your workers and you can’t interact anymore with the world around you properly. Do your message come through? Are those messages truly from the outside? To summarize: The more we loose touch with where we are and what is going on - the more we spiral until it becomes basically impossible to find the way back to reality without outside help. But that is not where we start, that is where we end up. How can we end up there? And more importantly: How can we avoid that?
Bad childhood influence [4:36]
The first factor we represent is bad child influence - be it the parents, situation or whatever - with Betty. Now Betty is the kind of person who cheers everyone up by leaving the room. She will nag and push until she gets her way and then she will continue non stop. She will also try to get control over the hiring process to ensure more like her are hired and continue to take more and more control. They slowly but surely are tanking the company - if not stopped. It needs to be kept in check and best to fire Betty and her gang. But the problem is, that Betty itself is rather low-key and usually been there a long time before change becomes noticeable. You really need to check the books if you want to catch her. Its hard to know that a segment is running badly if it never was running good. Despite the company running mostly smoothly, it would be still be considered mentally unwell - as it is a great detriment to the company, work environment and sometimes equipment. Unwell doesn’t mean the place is on fire, but that things are not going well. Also this opens up the room for saboteurs, bad deals with other companies and other chain reactions. Which we get into next episode.
Outro [6:08]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 122 - But I am totally fine (what does mentally unwell/sick really look like?) (Basics) - Part2
In this episode we will talk about mental health again or more precisely: What it means to be mentally healthy. We will continue from the last episode with our example to better understand mental health. First we talk about abusive persons, then severe impact, then loosing sections and projects and lastly signs of things going wrong.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about mental health again or more precisely: What it means to be mentally healthy. We will continue from the last episode with our example to better understand mental health. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:28]
In the last episode we tried to better visualize the wobbly mess that is called mental health, by using a model. The model made you the head of a company. The company department stood for the way our brain interprets the world around us. The workers were processes of our brain and the equipment represented the body. We talked about, how when there is a complete loss of control over the company, that this is what most people understand being mentally unwell means. But it is the end stage. Mentally unwell means mentally things are not well. To see how we can end up there, I introduced Betty, who represents bad childhood influence. This is the basis. Now we continue our buildup. First we talk about abusive persons, then severe impact, then loosing sections and projects and lastly signs of things going wrong.
Abusive persons -> saboteurs! [1:34]
Now we add ‘abusive person in your life’- let us call the represented Rick. Now- while Betty doesn’t aim to harm the company and is more just doing her thing - Rick is the complete opposite. His goal is to take control of your company and make his company control yours. And man does he love Betty! Not only does she offer him an easy way in, but she also helps Rick making you guess if you can trust any of your workers at all! If there is no Betty - he will try his best to install one as good as he can. She hides his tracks as well. Rick will alter reports, fake feedback and reviews and cause drama - so that everyone can’t relax, doubts everything and everyone and don’t know what is hitting them next. That makes them also not able to spot Rick as easily. They are WAY to busy. Not only that but he will try to sabotage or at least control the relationship between your company and other companies. Sometimes to support his goal other times to rid himself of the competition or support of those companies. Rick is extremely dangerous - as he actively sabotages the company. He needs to be removed as soon as possible.
Severe impact (PTSD) [3:05]
And then there is a severe impact - like a trauma for example. Which would be equivalent to an huge accident or small explosion or wall falling down in your company - depending on the impact. The damage is both body and mind. Or work morale AND equipment. Now like with any catastrophe the outcome depends on a lot of factors. How stable was the company before? A well running company can easily adept to such a drastic change and mitigate the damage significantly. But, if the saboteurs are active - they might cause an impact to further damage the company or do enough damage to leave the same effect as a severe impact. They make it harder to cope and it happening more likely. If it rains - it pours.
Of significant importance is also the relationship to other companies. While they might not be able to help directly, being able to receive support for your company is invaluable. Be it shelter, wares, money, services or whatever. The more and better the support the better. Lastly there are the first responders and workers from your community, while maybe not the best at repairing - they provide support and can be of great help. Depending on the kind, size and severity of the impact. While the company can redirect its efforts and keep working - its crucial to set aside resources and repair the damage as soon as possible.
Loosing sections and projects [4:47]
Now what sabotage and impacts can do - is - make you loose sections and projects. That can be something like football, a fandom, an activity or whatever. It can be no longer accessed and therefor truly enjoyed. Sometimes you can access them again after the rubble was cleared, but sometimes that is not enough. I plan to do on that topic an episode if there is interest.
Signs of things going wrong [5:19]
Lastly, we talk about the first signs that things are going wrong. Now going by our example, we know that a smoothly running company is a mentally healthy person. Everything else is not. Even if it is temporarily. But it definitely doesn’t mean you are crazy. A mild breakup is enough to put you in the mentally unwell category. So, what are signs you can pick up that things aren’t running smoothly? A sort of brain dizziness can be a good sign. Ever had little sleep and kind of slept walk through the day? Anything that starts feelings like that can be a sign, that your brain is very occupied or distracted, which shouldn’t be. Sometimes the reason is obvious. Sometimes it is faster for us to take a break and focus on us then to two track things. Also if you have trouble sleeping, be it badly, loads of nightmares, weird dreams, falling asleep or the like - a strong sign that things are not running smoothly. Same goes when you can’t seem to enjoy things anymore, even if is just specific things. Another example are strong emotional reactions, especially if you notice yourself that they are out of place and feel confused. Of course all of this strongly depends on the person and their life. Sit down, take a deep breath, relax and listen inside of you - in my experience the fastest way to find out.
Outro [7:06]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 123 - Should I commit suicide? - Part 1 - External Struggles
In this episode we will talk about a questions, that many of you might have asked yourself - “Should I commit suicide?” And it is a choice that can’t be undone - there is no going back. So we should be extra sure we make the right call. We first do a little thought experiment, then we talk about external struggles and how to get out of the trap. We continue next week with internal struggles and finding a solution.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a questions, that many of you might have asked yourself - “Should I commit suicide?”, even though most of you will struggle to even admit it - let alone talk about it. It is one of the biggest taboos in our society. And it is a choice that can’t be undone - there is no going back. So we should be extra sure we make the right call. Don’t worry - I am not here to tell you to smell the flowers or look at the beautiful sky. I know how incredible unhelpful these recommendations can be. But we have to talk about it, as it might save your lives and therefor it is crucial. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:57]
The problem with the “smell the flowers” suggestion is, that if you are suffering from depression you usually can’t find joy in smelling the flowers. Depression tends to turn your life in this huge grey blob of meh. Everything is kind of just there. Also life isn’t always great. It can be. What if someone will get more and more pain until he dies? Not always is the decision to end your life a bad one. But here is the absolute crucial point: You have to be mentally well to be able to make this call correctly. You see, like PTSD, there are many illnesses that convince you - that you want to end it - but you don’t. There is the quote of the Golden Gate Bridge jumper, that the moment he jumped he realized that everything in his life was fixable, except his jump. Since we can not trust our emotions and only limited our brain - what are we supposed to do? Obviously I will not leave it at “Just wait until you are better” or “it is just in your head so you can force it out!”. We are here for trying to find solutions. So, what is important to understand is the difference between “I want to end my life” and “I want to end this life”. The difference between this is the difference between life and death. And yet so easily mixed up. So let us untangle things and try to find the answer. We first do a little thought experiment, then we talk about external struggles and how to get out of the trap. We continue next week with internal struggles and finding a solution.
A little thought experiment [3:01]
Now for this little experiment I want you to imagine that a portal opens and can take you into another dimension. It is your free choosing. You can of course bring others, no matter how many, along for the ride - no matter where they are physically. You will there be a part of the system and society and can fully live there. A world of your choosing, with the option to return whenever you want. How does the thought make you feel? Do you feel relief? Do you feel no difference? Maybe your dark thoughts are completely gone in this scenario. The point of this little experiment is, to figure out if your struggles are external or internal. Are they coming from the life outside of you or from things inside of you. Or both.
External Struggles [3:58]
If the scenario brought a way of relief- than that is a big sign, that you don’t want to end your life, but the way you are living your life. It can be your work, your partnership or generally the feeling of not being able to escape this life you are living. Go back to the experiment and imagine what your dream life would look like and then return to where you are right now. Now, while money is incredible helpful, it is usually not the source of the solutions of our problems. Solves them easier yes, but not the solution. What do you truly seek? Independence? Not having to work your job anymore? Living somewhere else? Trying to find the source of your unhappiness might take a bit, but it is definitely worth it. Don’t let depression tell you that it isn’t even worth trying. Knowing the source of your pain makes managing and being able to remove it a lot easier. It removers the ability of your problems to hide in the shadows and stay out of reach.
Getting out of the trap [5:12]
Though truth be told, if you are at this point you are likely stuck deep in the mud. In most cases it won’t be as easy as just “look for a new job” for example. But here is something: Your brain is telling you, that you are sacrificing yourself and your mental health for your job. And that means it is truly worth trying something else. That you deserve better. Though in many scenarios you can’t just make your move and remove everything. As - ironically - this would lead to even greater instability. We talked about the problem of change before. Therefor we have to carefully replace one at a time to shift healthy into the new position. Or otherwise we just snap back. Some of you might be even in outright dangerous situations - please be careful and strategic about your steps. But knowing what you are dealing with is half the deal. Of course, this is only a rough overview - and if you want me to cover more or specific worries, please let me know.
Outro [6:29]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/, information regarding therapy you can find under johannadraconis.com/therapy/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 124 - False Acccusations (Johnny Depp Amber Heard Trial)
In this episode we will talk about false accusations, as the Johnny Depp Amber Heard Trial is dominating the minds of people these days and there are a lot of emotions and reactions that have me quite worried. So I decided to insert this episode, while emotions seem to climb ever higher and the constant coverage triggering quite a lot of people and it being a taboo that needs to be addressed. It is hurting a lot of people and causes enormous damage. We will first talk about the false accusations affecting real victims and then about being falsely accused.
Since my pronunciation wasn't so good, the line is "Just for the record, that men can’t be victims is utter nonsense and is not up for debate."
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about false accusations, as the Johnny Depp Amber Heard Trial is dominating the minds of people these days and there are a lot of emotions and reactions that have me quite worried. It is apparently quite a loaded topic. So I decided to insert this episode, while emotions seem to climb ever higher and the constant coverage triggering quite a lot of people and it being a taboo that needs to be addressed. It is hurting a lot of people and causes enormous damage. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:52]
I will preface it, that I will not focus on the court proceedings, as court systems, especially the US one, would most likely just end up being a 30 episode rant and get us nowhere. But in case you want to hear my impression of the situation: In my opinion all you need to hear is the message he gives his fans, where he says he is scared to death, frightened and don’t know what to do (link in the description). And especially the hopeless and I-knew-it-wouldn’t-work smile and laughter afterwards is all too familiar. I wish I had seen it from the start - it is a typical outreach moment, but as usually more an outburst and is often not recognized by those around living in a different reality. The voice is usually for me the strongest give away - ignore the smiling and also focus on the eyes. I wish I could have helped. Just for the record, that men can’t be victims is utter nonsense and is not up for debate. She doesn’t make a believable case for me. Especially the strong mouth down face she did at the start reminded me more of a tragic clown make up. To me it felt more like a mockery of abuse victims. We will see what the court decides. Back to the topic: The problem with false accusations is that they cut badly in two ways. They hurt the real victims and - of course - those wrongly accused.Not being believed is a very widespread and very painful experience for abuse victims. Be it about the experience itself or the problems it created afterwards. There are no limits in how low people will steep to dismiss a person and therefor not having to deal with it. We will first talk about the false accusations affecting real victims and then about being falsely accused.
False Accusation affecting real victim [3:13]
I start with the false accusation affecting real victims, as it is the group that is hurting most at the moment. Victims of abuse have to fight so hard to get their suffering acknowledge - let alone something be done about it. And then a woman tears down years of progress for her own selfish reasons. It is betrayal. And the worst part is that she doesn’t even seem to care. We all know the statistics and we all know what effect it will have on past, present and future cases. The amount of suffering it caused is immeasurable and you will likely have to deal with people questioning you again in regards to the trial. This is an enormous defeat for the real victims and the acknowledgment of their suffering and their attempts to get justice. There is no positive spin to it. So all we can do is bear the assault. If you are affected by it, I can just recommend the standards. Stay away from the news and social media and the like. Try to reduce your stress load and postpone what isn’t necessary. And take very good care of yourself. These are tough times and it is okay to not perform as you might think you should. Spoil yourself and keep yourself good company - sometimes by just being with yourself.
Being falsely accused [4:50]
For those who have been falsely accused the trial is in a bit more positive light - at least the latest events as far as I picked up on them. But we have the same problem ironically again - the feeling of not being believed. Saying the truth and being called a liar. Happened to me too - naturally. I think Eminem was putting it nicely “I am whatever you say I am - if I wasn’t, why would you say I am?”. He had of course a lot of experience with being falsely accused - including to cause people to harm others. If people accuse you of things than aren’t true, then it usually has little to do with yourself. I was accused of having affairs, pregnancies and the like in amounts I can’t even count. Not that I am interested in knowing it - as it has nothing to do with me. It is about a version people made up in their heads about me. A straw men about myself - and they attach whatever they want to it - as it is THEIR creation. It really helps if you understand that people don’t talk about you - but this other version of you. So to go back to the what Eminem said, if what they said is completely removed from what I am - then they couldn’t possibly mean me. They must be talking about someone else. Creating this separated, created by public opinion version really helped me a lot. Though I want to add, that one should listen to criticism and check if they are valid before dismissing it. Depending of course on the source and circumstance. But besides that: No one knows you the way you do.
Outro [6:49]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 125 - Should I commit suicide? - Part 2 - Internal Struggles
In this episode we will talk about the question “Should I commit suicide?” for the second time. This time the focus is on internal struggles or - in other words - is the call coming from the inside? Or “Does the enemy wants you to think the call is coming from the inside so you leave the house and run into the enemies arms?” We first start with depression and then the hidden outside influence. I cover next week sickness, mourning and the conclusion.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the question “Should I commit suicide?” for the second time. This time the focus is on internal struggles or - in other words - is the call coming from the inside? Though that is just one way of seeing it. The other is “Does the enemy wants you to think the call is coming from the inside so you leave the house and run into the enemies arms?”. That is an important difference one should know about. The topic of suicide remains a taboo and covering this might save lives and therefor is absolute crucial. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:55]
Two weeks ago we talked about the thought experiment of leaving for another dimension and seeing if this experiment would have any effect on our thoughts. Which would be a big sign that the things that make us unhappy are external reasons. It can be of course both. Or that an external reason pretending to be an internal one - you know like telling you, that you would never make it on your own. In other words internal reasons are a lot muddier and harder to define and grasp than external ones. So take everything with a grain of salt and so on. Especially with depression going around and spreading false rumors. Nonetheless we will try another thought experiment - though a bit more challenging. I want you to go inside of yourself. This method is also helpful if you try to find the origin of a trigger or trauma. It requires you to focus on yourself and ignore the things around you - this gets easier the more you do it. Once you focus on yourself and how you are feeling - in that moment we start. I want you to think a sentence or better a feeling and see how the rest of your insides respond. Like you sometimes figure out what you want to eat, by imagining a dish or thinking about a cuisine and then see if your body responds well to it. The classics for this experiments are “I feel lonely” and “I feel worthless” and “I can’t do anything right” and “I just make everything worse” and so on. Now we often believe these statements, because someone told them to us and we believed them. This usually happens in the childhood, but also can happen later on. I will get into the inner voices another time. Also none of these statements are set in stone - yet they cripple us. Many of the internal struggles fall in two categories. We first start with depression and then the hidden outside influence. I cover next week sickness, mourning and the conclusion.
Depression [3:28]
The thing with depression is, that it is the most easy and hardest to identify at the same time. As it bribes the scouts looking for them so to speak. But do you feel hopeless? Empty? Everything is just kind of there? Can’t motivate yourself to anything? Feel like a burden for those around you? If some or all apply to you, than you most likely suffer from depression. In my experience usually behind depression is feeling trapped and not being able to escape… so the brain just kind of gives up. Which is a reasonable approach, but in our modern world we get this activated despite still being able to walk away from it. PTSD very often causes this form of depression and the more you deal with your PTSD the weaker the depression gets. Though clinging on hope to fight depression is a pretty pointless endeavor, as depression feeds on that. What you need is a neutral thought. Like “it will pass”. Or in this context “if everything is pointless anyway, why not set yourself a date to revisit the question?”. This will reduce the pressure of the issue on yourself and you can focus on other things. Because milling around how hopeless everything is - never really helped anyone. The question why you think everything is hopeless is far more promising. As this is usually the way out and leads to a more joyful life.
Hidden outside influence [5:14]
As I mentioned at the start - there is the good possibility that your struggles appear not to come from the outside - and via methods like nagging and gas lighting you will believe that. Therefor no matter how much you try to fix this issue - it won’t work. Because the source of the issue isn’t where you think it is. Which leads to the age old question “Am I crazy or everyone around me?”. The good thing about methods like this is, that they need constant reinforcement or the illusion starts to fade. But what are signs if you can’t just unplug for a week to see if things change? Maybe asking yourself these questions will help: Do I feel safe? Do I have a place of warmth I can go to? Do I feel like I can speak freely? Are my successes being celebrated? Am I scared to make a mistake? Am I scared to admit I made a mistake? Am I feeling safe, protected and like myself in my own home? If those questions aren’t answered with yes than you should ask yourself why and tread very, very carefully. Because those who control and influence you - will most likely pay close attention and often take the lack of control not very well. Be extremely careful and strategic about it. Don’t confront them, lay low and try figure out how far their reach goes.
Outro [6:58]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 126 - Should I commit suicide? - Part 3 - Conclusions + Sickness + Mourning
In this episode we will talk about the question “Should I commit suicide” for the third time - this time we start with sickness, then isolation, then mourning, then we get there when we get there and lastly conclusion. It is about the absolute crucial difference between “I want to end this life” and “I want to end my life”.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the question “Should I commit suicide” for the third time - this time we reached the conclusion. With all things considered, what should one do? The answer is very important and should be decided with care. People hesitate to speak about it, like they fear to summon those thoughts if they speak about them. It is important to break the silence and taboo - to help those affected and to potential save lives and reduce suffering. Therefor it is an absolute crucial topic. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:54]
We talked the last 2 times about how outside and inside influences can affect us and make us think that we want to commit suicide - despite us not really wanting to. Especially Depression can convince you that the opposite of reality is real. In the first episode about this I pointed out the absolute crucial difference between “I want to end this life” and “I want to end my life”. Because they are many things that influence you to just wanting to end it. If I want to check if I am suffering from these influences I listen to the song we dissolve in stars by immediate music (link in description) and if I can’t enjoy it - I know I am out of balance. We start with sickness, then isolation, then mourning, then we get there when we get there and lastly conclusion.
Sickness [2:01]
I wanted to start with sickness, because it can be the most logical reason for committing suicide. Some of us are faced with the decision, how far we are willing to go despite the pain, limitation and the like. At what point is a life still worth living? That depends strongly on the circumstances and the sickness - so everyone must make that decision for themselves. My recommendation is to have several set points. Some for revisiting, some to start looking and some to end it. Though I would really wait out if you can - and want to. Medicine did insane jumps in the last years and will likely continue in the future. Keep an eye out - your fate is likely not set in stone. Especially if you have many years yet to live.
Isolation [3:05]
One of the biggest cause is isolation. We are social beings - despite many of us not enjoying company most of the time. Our group or clan is crucial for our survival - so we developed a lot of skills, characteristics and so on to strengthen our bonds. Now back in the old days we had little choice in our clan - but nowadays things are different. I can not underline enough how important it is to have a social network or a group of friends or whatever you want to call it - that you feel you belong to. People who cheer for your success, who console you during your hard times or at least give you space, who have your wellbeing at heart and who accept you for who you are. Not being scared to say some things or feeling like what you said doesn’t matter. People not like that cause depression, low self worth and often suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are a desperate plea from your body to change your surrounding. It is absolutely important to talk with people and get help if you can.
Mourning [4:25]
Which leads me to mourning. Which will definitely get its own episode, but for now we focus on the suicide aspect of it. It is hard to not fall into this if a core aspect of your life is no longer in your life. Home is where the heart is. But what if the heart is in the afterlife? What if all you love is now dead? Then it is not as much about wanting to kill yourself, but wanting to be with them. It is normal to feel this way and so important to seek contact with the living. They would want your best - so please take your time to recover. There is no set schedule. If you feel like you struggle, grief counseling, therapy or the like can be a great help.
We get there when we get there [5:21]
Which leads me to one of the most important aspects of this topic - we get there when we get there. Imagining how things could go wrong or how they will play out is most of the time a futile thing. Life almost always will go different th en expected. Especially if you are overwhelmed with everything it is absolute crucial to just take it day by day. Just see that you manage today. You worry about tomorrow - tomorrow. This reduces your load and makes breathing and walking a bit more possible. It is always astonishing to me how far you can go if you just focus on taking the next step.
Conclusion [6:07]
Which leads me to the conclusion. In my experience these thoughts never come out of nowhere - they have their reasons. Addressing those reasons can lead to an unbelievable shift. Like I went from - everything is pointless, why do I even bother trying? to - it will be fine. WITHIN. A. MINUTE. Once you saw this fall of the illusion - it changes everything forever. You might still be affected by it, but it is easier to go “wait.. I have seen this before” than being completely confused with what is happening. In my experience it is really usually depression that is behind these thoughts - and the reason why the world suddenly changes. Often depression and suicidal thoughts are a desperate plea of your body to change something. One should not listen to them, but not ignore them. That is just how they get worse. Sometimes you just really overloaded yourself - and kind of harming yourself.
Stepping back, reducing your load and integrating me time can do WONDERS to your mental health. Of course PTSD and survivor’s guilt can cause these thoughts too, but in these cases the culprit behind them is rather obvious. So focus on them instead. Even taking charge can greatly reduce the urge and symptoms - the same does with getting a new perspective and goal. You might want to ask yourself, if you can kill yourself anytime - why not tomorrow? Or after you tried something? That option never goes away, so why hurry? Another way to look at this is - you want to outlive your enemies don’t you? I’ve been in this place many times, I know how painful and dark it is, but to quote someone “it is not over yet - trust me”.
Outro [8:21]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 127 - Why do I feel so inferior? Inner voices/ Inner critic (imposter)
In this episode we will talk about the question “Why do I feel so inferior?” or the inner voices - sometimes called inner critics. The voices that beat you down and are sometimes mistaken for the inner voice of reason or the like. In general having voices inside your head is completely normal - unless they tell you something new. We first talk about where does these voices come from and then how we change these voices.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the question “Why do I feel so inferior?” or the inner voices - sometimes called inner critics. The voices that beat you down and are sometimes mistaken for the inner voice of reason or the like. Which causes harm and it hinders the healing process. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:36]
We all have been in a situation like that before - we do something wrong and then we hear in our head “of course it would go wrong”. Now if we are a healthy and balanced person - this kind of negative intrusive thought appear sparingly and is pushed aside easily. In general having voices inside your head is completely normal - unless they tell you something new. Having these voices be their own complete personalities or having them feel like completely foreign voices are different cases. These 2 cases could hint at schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder (or now DID) - but that is not what this episode is about. This episode is about beating yourself up - which is something way too many people do and it is often a side effect of abuse. The world kicks you down enough on its own - it doesn’t need any help in doing so. But I know how hard it is to change these voices or this behavior. To NOT talk yourself down when things go wrong or you make a mistake. To be caring and forgiving with yourself. Not to brush the problems aside, but to face them and still be empathic with yourself. We first talk about where does these voices come from and then how we change these voices.
Where does these voices come from? [2:08]
Before we get into where these voices come from - I want to emphasize that it doesn’t mean it was done intentionally. It can be done out of neglect, not knowing or how they learned it themselves. It can also be done of course intentionally and maliciously. People often underestimate the effect they have on other people. With that being said - the voices are usually truths and statements you were taught to believe. That happens most of the time in the childhood - but with enough dedication in adulthood too. The key is to reinforce a reaction or truth long enough until the other person believes it. Which is easiest done with children - as they strongly depend on their environment to form an opinion or find out what is right or wrong. Even if it isn’t done during that time - it can lay the groundwork for later abusers. So how do you know that happened to you? One big indicator is that you have trouble standing up for yourself or defending your position. This can be the consequence of not being encourage as a child to do so and often getting mixed reactions to mistakes you made. To put it differently: Did you feel safe to run to your parental figures if something went wrong? When you did a mistake? Where you encourage to follow your own choices without a but - be it silent or loud? Did you feel secure enough to try - even if there was likelihood of failure? Did you feel heard? Did you feel like your voice and opinion was taken seriously? These things lie the groundwork for lack of self confidence and points abusers later can exploit. It makes you feel like you don’t matter and your voice is not worth hearing. Then if someone suddenly does care - it causes confusion and feels wrong and sometimes make you feel like an impostor.
How can we change these voices? [4:25]
Which leads us to our second point - how can we change these voices? Which is quite hard and won’t be done over night. Unlike other instances - where we just needed to overwrite the false statements - this requires also to unlearn a behavior learned over a long time. But first we need to find the source. If this behavior is for you a changed behavior than before - then the cause is usually found in or before that time frame. If you were always like this or had a tendency to be like this - then the issue was likely in your childhood. If it was in your childhood it is often either the parental figures or your social environment. Be it other children, the neighborhood or the like. The principle remains basically the same - review statements and treatments you received. Try to see it from a neutral standpoint or ask someone you trust for their opinion or imagine someone else being treated this way - would you be okay with it? Why and why not? Once again the why question will guide you to the source of it all. And secondly find a positive and supportive role model - preferably out of your own life. A person that responded well to your mistakes and encourages you and cares for your wellbeing. The next part is tricky and might take quite a few tries - as it did for me. Try to have the role models opinions, words and the like be the response to your behavior instead of the other. The way I managed to do this is - by recognizing the harmful behavior to be wrong and the role model behavior to be the healthy and good one. Our brain tries to follow the path of a successful other individual to increase the likelihood of our survival. Usually that are the parental figures - but sometimes that has to be someone else. As usual, if you want me to go into more detail - please let me know.
Outro [6:45]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 128 - What to do about feeling inferior, inner voices/critic, impostor, no self confidence
In this episode we will talk about what we can do about feeling inferior, like an impostor, a lack of self confident and the voices in your head giving you a hard time. It is important to do this, so you can life a fulfilling life, have less risk of getting in the hands of an abuser and can take better care of yourself. We talked about it last episode, about the inner voices and feeling inferior. I strongly recommend listening to that episode first. But now the interesting question I only briefly touched in last episode is: How do I remove these voices or whatever you are calling it and replace it with healthy ones? First we talk about replacing the response and then breaking the cycle.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about what we can do about feeling inferior, like an impostor, a lack of self confident and the voices in your head giving you a hard time. This is a continuation from last episode as I offered and was asked for. We are basically working on getting rid of Betty, if we go by our other example. It is important to do this, so you can life a fulfilling life, have less risk of getting in the hands of an abuser and can take better care of yourself. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:50]
I am sure many of us have been in the situation where you were determined to stand your ground, but once it all started it all kind of got lost. Or you feel often like a doormat. Or feel like many people take advantage of you. This is often a sign of low self esteem, lack of boundaries and the inability to stand up for yourself. We talked about it last episode, about the inner voices and feeling inferior. I strongly recommend listening to that episode first. To make an extreme quick recap: These troubles stem usually from childhood or over a long time in adulthood by someone who made you feel this way and you believing them. Doesn’t have to be with bad intentions on their end. But now the interesting question I only briefly touched in last episode is: How do I remove these voices or whatever you are calling it and replace it with healthy ones? Ones that will grant me the ability to stand up for myself? And help me not to be taken advantage of? And that is what we are doing this episode. By replacing these voices with healthy ones, you will change and this way people will change how they treat you, because you will no longer tolerate it. First we talk about replacing the response and then breaking the cycle.
Replacing the response [2:27]
Replacing the response is simple and tricky at the same time - and as usual - once you got the hang of it - it will be just another tool in your toolbox. We go step by step.
Step 1 - Find the one responsible. That can be a bit tricky if you have no idea where it originated. A trick is to imagine in succeeding in that very thing, then turn around to tell it someone - who is the person you are imagining? Or keep asking yourself why questions.
Step 2 - Find a healthy response. That is usually best by someone who has been in your life for a long time. But in the end also a fictional character or someone you saw react in a healthy way will do.
Step 3 - Compare them. Now we put them next to each other and try to spot the differences and how these differences came to be.
Step 4 - Find the argument. Why one is good and the other bad? By finding the argument you find the reason and understanding what is happening.
Step 5 - Come from each angle. The more accurate your picture of it all is - the more clear everything gets and the better the shift will happen. Which is difficult and other peoples perspective can be extremely useful.
Step 6 - Repeat again and again. Like the last step hinted at - you will have to repeat it again and again. You likely didn’t learn this opinion with one statement - you will not loose it with one. It will take multiple times until you brain truly shifts.
Step 7 - Reinforce the new voices. You achieve this by making small experiences to build up your new confidence, solidifying the new perspective and give the change time to take place. Your brain needs to truly understand to change its ways.
In my experience, the deeper the root of those voices the more it feels like pulling a beast back and placing it somewhere else. But once in place it is also hard to remove.
Breaking the cycle [5:02]
There are so many reasons why doing this is so important. It is about breaking the cycle - sometimes just one, but often so many more.
First it removes the vulnerability for new abusers to take root in your life and you ending in a bad situation. For example, people accept bad romantic partners because they think they don’t deserve better. The only way they are worth something if they have someone who has worth on their side. But that mindset puts off healthy and good people and works like a magnet for abusers and bad partners.
Secondly it will prevent you teaching your children the same thing - even if its subconsciously. That cycle can truly end with you.
Thirdly, it will change your everyday life. As you are - likely - still stuck in the abuse cycle. Be it mindset, the way you treat yourself, the way you treat others, how you handle things and so on. Then you need a new cycle and a new normal. Most importantly it just changes the feedback loop. We go from a viscous cycle to a virtuous one. It gets better with time and the more you notice the changes the easier it gets. As usual pushing through the beginning is the hardest. As someone said nicely: Change isn’t a goal you achieve, but a mindset. To avoid burnout I recommend setting yourself small milestone goals and celebrating achieving them.
Outro [6:54]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 129 - Maintaining Hope (even in the darkest times)
In this episode we will talk about maintaining hope - even in the darkest times. It is no secret that dealing with PTSD and trauma can lead to the darkest times a human can witness. Additionally recent events made a lot of people very scared. For good reason I fear.
But as I said often - panic doesn’t help anyone and is not the way to go. Hope is the better way and so important during your healing progress. Now hope is once again a quite nebulous term with many interpretations and things woven into it. I’m talking about the hope that makes you see the next sunrise. And more importantly how to maintain it. It is really like a lifeline that can take you through the darkest times. First we talk about realistic goals, then to not cling to hope and then one step at a time.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about maintaining hope - even in the darkest times. It is no secret that dealing with PTSD and trauma can lead to the darkest times a human can witness. Additionally recent events made a lot of people very scared. For good reason I fear. But as I said often - panic doesn’t help anyone and is not the way to go. Hope is the better way and so important during your healing progress. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:47]
One of the questions I get asked most is “How did you manage to survive that?”. While this is a good question with many possible layers and debates - the underlying question usually is “How did you manage not to give up?”. Well for one I am very stubborn. But stubbornness doesn’t get you very far - as you just turn brittle and at one point you shatter. Hope is an essential part of that answer. Now hope is once again a quite nebulous term with many interpretations and things woven into it. I am talking about the hope - that when there is nothing left you still keep going. When all is lost - that is when hope truly matters. It is easy to hope for things like a good mark when most of your life isn’t in shambles. I’m talking about the hope that makes you see the next sunrise. And more importantly how to maintain it. It is really like a lifeline that can take you through the darkest times. First we talk about realistic goals, then to not cling to hope and then one step at a time.
Realistic goals [2:07]
Let us start with talking about realistic goals. When we are surrounded by darkness it is only natural to try to create this beacon of light in comparison - but sadly this is often an illusion. And while that is helpful in that very moment - it will come back to bite you. As this way you build your next steps on an illusion or sand - which naturally crumbles sooner or later to reality. I wish I could say you will ride into the sunset with a partner and towards a castle you deserve after all you went through - but that is not how the world works. I can say you will live a fulfilling and happy life without having to worry about triggers or the like. This statement won’t crumble and cause distress if brought into conflict with reality. Each time, this friction is caused, it can cause triggers, worsening of your state and so on. So it is better to keep realistic and open goals like “I will get well again” or “I will find a way” or “It will pass”. The how is usually formed along the way - in my experience. Sometimes in VERY surprising ways.
Don’t cling to hope [3:32]
Which leads us to the second point, that you shouldn’t cling to hope. Sometimes you fell for the wrong hope or things radically changed or the like - and it is important to let go of it. Sometimes you have to bury a hope or a dream. Which is brutal - in my experience. But if you don’t do that you will be buried alongside the hope you once had. It is easiest to let go of a hope if you have a new one available. In this case I recommend taking a good look at the lost hope and see what is really important to you and what not. So you know what you can let go easily and what needs to take a new form. That also is often necessary if the situation changes - which is also why it is important not to cling to it - so you can recognize it in time and change things before they turn bad. It is unwise to force things to happen, that is why having more open goals and plans is usually better - because they adapt better to the situation and let things form naturally.
One step at a time [4:54]
And lastly we get to the most crucial thing that we take things one step at a time. The harder the times hit - the more important this gets. The bigger the storm of life is - the more important it is to lower your eyes to your immediately next steps. Do not focus on what could or could not be - just keep moving. And the more you reduce your world the more you are able to do. Which means if you want to be able to move in the greatest storm you have to minimize your world as much as you can. And opening it up more - the better you are in control of the situation. This might feel a bit like a loss or giving up - but it is mainly pragmatism. Remember, that you don’t have to figure out everything in THIS very moment. This is what an unhealthy brain tells you - you have to have it all figured out and know exactly what you are doing. Going in the right direction is more than enough - sometimes moving forward will have to do - and sometimes holding on will have to do. And as long as you do that - so long hope will remain alive and be your lifeline out of this mess.
Outro [6:24]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 130 - 10 Methods for dealing with (C-)PTSD in every day life
In this episode we will talk about methods you can use in your everyday life. It has been years since we touched upon this and I felt like a updated version was long overdue. These are the things you can use the most - and therefor important and extremely helpful. First we talk about methods for everyday life and then resource management.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about methods you can use in your everyday life. It has been years since we touched upon this and I felt like a updated version was long overdue. These are the things you can use the most - and therefor important and extremely helpful. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:36]
Before I get to the methods I want to especially mention avoiding behavior. I will not list it as a recommended method, because it makes matters worse. It is wise to avoid something if it comes up spontaneously or if it is temporarily or the like.But if you keep avoiding it it will take more root and grow, that is why I usually recommend addressing triggers as soon as you can. Which I know is easier said than done. Generally speaking the most important thing is to try to keep your stress level as low as you can, as the lower the stress level the fewer and more tolerable the symptoms get and the more room you have for errors.But that is always easier said than done. Which is why it is usually the main focus for any method. Some call this grounding, but grounding is a specific method for me which I will get in an episode very soon. First we talk about methods for everyday life and then resource management
Methods for your everyday life [1:57]
The methods for everyday life can be roughly translated to helping you relax, improve your life quality and create a better staging point to counter your PTSD. All of them are suggestions that can help, but depending on your life they might not help or be viable. Maybe a variation of a method will help you better - try, test and find out. We each find our own methods that work best for us. We have 9 methods and after that we talk about the absolute crucial resource management.
1. Breathing exercises or Progressive Muscle Relaxation - They help you calm down and lower your stress levels. There are a lot of them on the Internet and easily learned and accessible. Also very useful in case of panic attack, flashback or the like.
2. Meditation or simply quiet time to relax and let your mind wander - That helps with reducing general stress level and processing bigger chunks than usually. Something that is also very helpful long after you are cured.
3. Puzzles or the like - Apparently puzzles keep you busy and use a different part than your processing does. Same goes for other activities that keep your hands busy and mind free help a lot during your healing process. You can find them on steam for free.
4. Journal - It is great for a lot of things, like it helps getting things out of your system - maybe things you can’t tell anyone in your life. But it can be also great to look back and compare how far you’ve come - or delete if necessary to be safe.
5. Celebrate your successes - It does not matter how small they are or how hollow. Celebrating successes - doesn’t matter if its in a game for example - will give you that much needed reward feeling that your brain needs to stay motivated during the healing process.
6. Have fun - You need dopamine to keep going and that comes from having a good time. I know you likely have a pile of work to do, but it might be wise to take a break and have some fun. It is going to be a long process - breaks are important as is joy.
7. Social support - It is definitely the most important one - which makes it a bitter point for a lot of people. Isolation is a huge problem for many suffering from PTSD. Good news is, even online contact and chats are helping! Not as good, but still good.
8. Animal support - They help a lot! Especially dogs can help with the social isolation and support! Animals also require that they get taken care of, but in my experience it is more than worth it and can only recommend it.
9. Living a healthy lifestyle - This point is most likely a bit controversial. As many will struggle to eat or sleep or the like. But what remains true is to take good care of yourself and life as healthy and good as you can. Because you deserve it - and it will give you energy.
Resource management [6:18]
Which leads us to the last point and the one that is most important in my opinion:
10. Resource management. You likely have barely anything and you are expected to go up against a very difficult and dangerous thing. Which is sadly often how life works. The famous viscous circle. It also applies here - so do the rules that come with it. To beat the viscous circle it is crucial that you learn to manage your limited resources as efficiently as possible. Work smart and not hard, but be very careful with shortcuts. Learn how to assess how much energy you have, what costs how much, what fills it, what drains it and so on. You learn that while doing it - by constantly checking, assessing and maybe keeping record. It is helpful to have a list with priorities and deadlines, so you don’t waste energy trying to remember it all. Try, learn and find out. Everyone is different, but if you have questions - please let me know.
Outro [7:40]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 131 - 11 Methods in case of a (C-)PTSD emergency
In this episode we will talk about methods in case of an PTSD emergency, which is usually when the symptoms take over. A situation we try to avoid for a good reason and where mistakes are punished hard.We fill first cover the crucial first steps, then the methods used in an emergency and then the grounding method.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about methods in case of an PTSD emergency, which is usually when the symptoms take over. A situation we try to avoid for a good reason and where mistakes are punished hard. So let us talk about it
Prelude [0:31]
Now of course the best method is preventing the emergency to happen in the first place - which has obviously not worked and now we see what we can do about the situation. Once again the calmer you are - the better, but it is especially hard in this situation. A general word of advise before we get into the methods: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Especially about what you lost during the fallout or the emergency situation itself. Don’t compare it with the situation going well. This going well isn’t the normal state. The normal state is a mix out of things going wrong and things going well. You are not a perfect being - no one is, therefor things WILL go wrong. It is best to just accept that this is the flip side to the times things went well. Though it is of course wise to look at how it went wrong to see if there is a way to avoid it next time. With that being said - let us get into it. We fill first cover the crucial first steps, then the methods used in an emergency and then the grounding method.
Crucial 3 first steps [1:54]
The immediate first steps or methods are for when you are alone. If you are with someone - signal them or drag them with you. They can call for aid or sit it out with you. The steps then need to be modified to your situation.
1. Check the situation - As far as you can - to see if you are safe. That can mean people, cars, sounds, the surface and the like. You often don’t have a lot of time for it - so just try to glance over and get a good estimate. Otherwise you might get stuck on this.
2. Try to get to safety - At least as far and as much is possible. Once again - you won’t have much time for this. So just try as good you can do. It will have to do.
3. Try to assess where it is all coming from - For two reasons. One, so you might avert the fallout after all or at least strongly reduce the impact and second, so you can learn where the trauma is hiding, what it looks like and so on. Very valuable information.
Methods used in an emergency [3:16]
The emergency methods are mainly about regaining control and shorten the onslaught as much as possible. The more you are in control - the faster it is over, the weaker the symptoms and lesser the pain. Once again, try what works for you best and adjust if necessary. Many are also helpful for anxiety and the like. We have 7 methods and then we talk about grounding.
1. Breathing - Focus on your breath. Repeat in your head breath in and breath out. Try to keep a rhythm. Focus on the air flowing in and out of your body. Nothing else, just on that.
2. Mantra - This helps not getting lost in the chaos. Repeat a sentence again and again. Like “My name is Johanna, I am recording a podcast, I am in my room, I am safe - no one here is going to harm me.” Modify it to your needs and what helps the most.
3. Focus - A combination of the last 2 methods. Think breathe in and breathe out and then “I am safe”. This helps you focus on your breath and has the reinforcement of the mantra method.
4. Self soothing - Here depends on what you are familiar with. I usually go for the hands over my upper arms moving slowly up and down. Sometimes rocking or moving back and forth is helpful. Once again it depends on the person.
5. Anchor - It’s something you focus on while the waves sweep over you and ignore everything else. That can be a song you hear, a specific task, a thought, a behavior - anything. For me it was the sentence “It will pass” and I only focused on that.
6. Expressive writing - Or talking, but I am usually unable to speak in these situation. This method is a fringe one. It is about getting all out of your system to reduce the pressure and therefor the symptoms.
7. Interception - An advanced method and very difficult. It is about intercepting the situation before it spirals out of control. But for that you must identify the thought that triggered it and resolve it with empathy and counter argument or who caused it.
Grounding [6:20]
And lastly we talk about the method I mentioned last time: 8. Grounding. It is about attempting to avoid being swept away by the waves. Similar to the anchor, but this method tries to stay enough in the here and now so that the anchor isn’t needed. It is about becoming hyper aware of your surrounding and focus on that instead of the storm. Like, what does the ground under my feet feel like? The clothes against my skin? The taste in my mouth? What does what I touch feel like? It once again depends on the person and the situation, but it might be wise to at least try it out a few times to get routine. As always, if you have questions - please let me know.
Outro [7:18]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 132 - 9 Methods to counter (C-)PTSD
In this episode we will talk about 9 methods to counter PTSD - as in which methods help us go up against PTSD and fight it. Knowing how to turn the table changes almost everything. First we talk about methods for finding the enemy and then about methods how to best fight them.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about 9 methods to counter PTSD - as in which methods help us go up against PTSD and fight it. The heat really isn’t helping - especially with brain work - so more than ever - if you have any question or something is unclear or the like please let me know. Knowing how to turn the table changes almost everything. So let us talk about it
Prelude [0:43]
Before we get into the methods, we have to do the preparations first - and the main part of it is stabilization. The other methods we learned in the last 2 episodes will help you with that. You shouldn’t fight when the ground you are standing on is wobbly at best. Stabilization has several benefits: The symptoms are less, you are more rested, have more energy, are not as vulnerable, can react better and so on. The core aspect of it is routine. The less your brain has to think when what has to be done - the more it can focus on other things. Additionally it gives stability by providing a frame work. Brains love that. Now it doesn’t have to be very timed routine with exact times, but something like “I get up, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, be productive and so on”. This leads usually to the second most important aspect that is taking care of yourself. As least as much as you can. Getting rest and good food is energy which leads to being better able to counter PTSD. As much as you can - and it will have to do. This time we will separate the methods into two blocks. First we talk about methods for finding the enemy and then about methods how to best fight them.
Finding the enemy [2:17]
Now that we did what we could to stabilize ourselves, we are looking for the enemy to fight him on our own turf and rules instead of his. Doesn’t really matter if its a trigger or the trauma core itself you are looking for. Once again, adjust and see what works.
1. Listen to the symptoms. The nightmares, the voices or thoughts in our head, we daydream about and so on. They all usually have a theme or the like. Which is usually where the best next target is located. So listen and see if you can see a pattern.
2. Tap to find something. You ask yourself section questions and then narrow it more and more down. Like “I have no issues with violence”. If you feel a negative feedback, especially in the chest, keep digging until you find it.
3. Ask why questions. Which is my favorite and most reliable method. Keep asking why. Don’t stop at excuses, but until you find what is truly bothering you. A strong emotional reaction is usually a good hint you found it.
Generally speaking when your brain is well enough it will seek out or be drawn towards the problematic places. It wants to repair itself. Just doesn’t really know how. Sometimes therefor it is wise to go with the flow
To fight them [4:05]
Which leads us to what we do once we found what we are looking for. Now to truly resolve and remove a core, a trigger and the like - you truly must understand and empathize with it. Which seem a bit counter intuitive. Adjust as usual to fit your need.
1. Flare down the flare ups. Once you engage with your enemy you likely meet resistance. An important skill to learn is to regain control after such a flare up. It is possible, but everyone is different and it is learned by trying, failing and eventually succeeding.
2. Ask why questions. Yes again - though this time slightly different. We are looking to truly understand why. I usually know I have the goal when I starting to feel the realization, the need to cry and a bit of relief.
3. Give an interview. Usually to yourself - or others if you want to. We often skip over things, which we don’t notice until we have to explain it to someone. A very good way to find the hidden troublemakers that are able to evade the why questions.
4. Seek council. Now I prefer doing that in my head with fictional characters like Gandalf, but you can also ask real people. You are usually drawn to the kind of person you need. It is about getting a new perspective or new angle to approach the enemy.
5. Go with the flow. Usually our brain knows roughly where the issue is and tries to point us towards it. That usually comes in form of us having the urge to listen to a song, watch a movie, etc. or being drawn to issues. Try following the flow - carefully.
Do nothing [6:24]
And lastly we get to the final, a bit special point: 6. Do nothing. You did not misheard - I said nothing. The worst thing you can do is burn yourself out while fighting the good fight. It makes you have an open wound, an active PTSD and high vulnerability. If you feel like you can’t really do anything and any task is too much - that is a strong indicator your brain is heavily engaged with the enemy and can’t really focus on anything else. Then the best thing you can do is let the brain take charge and just relax. At least as much or as far as you can. I spend hours watching a wall sometimes. Time just flew by and I sort of woke up hours later of staring. This topic is so important and crucial, so please if you have any questions let me know.
Outro [7:32]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 133 - Why am I feeling lost during the healing process?
In this episode we will talk about feeling quite lost during the healing process and to be fair - it is quite a chaotic time. But the question is why and what can we do? Understanding is a huge part of it, which also helps to navigate it all. We will first talk about the order of healing, then walking the path properly and then your change along the way.
Clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxVVaTXr4FM&ab_channel=TopMovieClips
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about feeling quite lost during the healing process and to be fair - it is quite a chaotic time. But the question is why and what can we do? Understanding is a huge part of it, which also helps to navigate it all. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:33]
When I think about this feeling of chaos and things not working as you try or intend, then the scene with Fury in the broken car comes immediately into my mind (link in the description). He is wounded and the car is damaged and people are trying to harm him. He gives the car commands, which it replies with “x does not work” and in his frustration he asks “Well what is not damaged?” and the car responds “Air condition is fully functional”. And in my experience nothing describes navigating the healing process better.I can not count how often this was me during the healing process. Because usually the thing you need the most to work, will be normal functioning last, but in the meantime my brain repaired a section or ability I didn’t really care about. Like thank you, but that was one of the lowest priorities. Though of course there is a logic behind this chaos, but that doesn’t make the situation any less frustrating and confusing. It is easy to just feel lost, but with a bit of insight that might change. We will first talk about the order of healing, then walking the path properly and then your change along the way.
The order of healing [2:00]
If you look at what heals when - it appears to be totally random - and to some extent it is, but the priorities definitely seems to be off. If you would make a list of which things you want to be restored or removed - it likely would be different. Now to understand the order a bit better, we must keep in mind, that our brain loves to make connections and especially if it can’t put something away - it will connect it with everything. Ever had a crush or strong fan phase? Doesn’t matter band, topic, person etc.? That no matter what you did your mind would always be drawn back to that? Which is usually generally harmless, but with trauma it poisons everything it touches. Meaning the more you interact with a topic - the more it is connected to the trauma. Even if it had absolute 0 connection before that. That is the biggest reason why you really shouldn’t ignore PTSD - it spreads and affects more and more. And you might have already guessed it - this leads things you do often be more affected than others. Basically the brain clears the more easily free able parts first and then moves on accordingly. It appears to be completely chaotic, because you don’t get any information, don’t know how strong what is affected and you have no control over whats happening.
Walking the path properly [3:45]
Sometimes we also feel lost because we apparently are being in absolute nowhere. That can be the issue when trying to shorten the path we walk - which I am still occasionally guilty of. You know where you want to end up and then you try to force yourself through to that goal - instead of walking the path properly. I have no memory of this every working out. There are 2 main reasons for that. First while you walk the path you gain experience, new insights, growth and the like, which is necessary to actually reach the goal and be who you want to end up being. It is tedious and takes a lot of time, but its worth it. That is how change happens - one step at a time. Gradually you change - often not noticeable unless you have a way to look back. We talked about how to be self confident and it is the same thing basically. The path is the goal. You achieve the goal along the way bit by bit.
Your change along the way [4:57]
Which sometimes leads to the second reason - your goal changes because of the changes you made along the way. Which is a weird thing to happen and you never think it will happen to you - until it does. Like the almost cliche of getting your life together to try to win over your ex - only to realize, that you can do and deserve better. I am not sure how to say this kindly, but we affected, and especially those raised, by trauma don’t have often the best goals selected. Depression is also a huge contributor for having unhealthy goals and a false perception of reality. And during the healing process and you walking that path - that will change. Now you can of course still go through with your old goals - if you want to. But maybe it is time to see if your goals in life have changed and what you really want to do. Even after you are cured that is a wise thing to do. We are not objects, we change. That is what makes us living beings with each having our own life story. That also applies of course for goals you think you can never achieve - if you start moving in that direction, maybe you will be able after all or at least be a lot closer to who you want to be.
Outro [6:29]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 134 - Why is it sometimes slow and sometimes fast? (Healing wave update)
In this episode we will talk about how during the healing process we sometimes move slow - sometimes it even feels like standing still - and sometimes fast - at least compared to the other. I covered this before during the healing wave section.
This is the biggest part of your healing process - therefor I think it is important to revisit it for a different perspective.
So we first talk about anger and then about sadness.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about how during the healing process we sometimes move slow - sometimes it even feels like standing still - and sometimes fast - at least compared to the other. I covered this before during the healing wave section. But since then I realized there might be another way to better explain what I mean, what is happening and how to better ride the wave. This is the biggest part of your healing process - therefor I think it is important to revisit it for a different perspective. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:50]
As I mentioned before - the key for the fastest healing possible is to know when to move and when to stand still. I called it riding the healing wave and that you learn that with experience and getting a feeling for the situation. But I didn’t give explanations or instructions beyond that - which I will try to do now and the main reason to revisit it. I have mentioned it before, but while we stand still, we are actually processing and it is not idle time. But I did give the instructions in another section to follow the 5 stages of mourning - denial, anger, bargain, depression and acceptance - not necessarily in that order. I realized it is also a pretty good way to explain better the healing wave. Especially with the 2 emotions of anger and depression - though the better word would be sadness, a very deep sadness. We talked last week about how important it is not to skip on the path but go through with it to truly fully recover. So we first talk about anger and then about sadness.
Anger [2:05]
Now when we talk about anger, we are not talking about aggressive behavior. Anger is a state and usually is best dealt with dealing with the source. Strong anger often comes from deep pain. When we are hurt we instinctively lash out - a desperate defense measure. And as always, you don’t need anyone else to deal with your trauma - so we won’t use it against anyone. We are instead using it to fight the source that causes the anger, because anger is first of all a great unleashing of energy. It helps to move mountains. The original reason is clear - so we could survive whatever hurt us and live to see the other day. But if the anger controls us - then we risk loosing everything. So always be careful with anger and keep an eye on it and keep the leash short. Use it as an engine, not a guide. The anger in context of your healing process is the energy to break down the trauma structures. It rattles against the cages and looks for a weakness and is usually successful sooner or later. But sometimes it is somewhere we don’t want to look or a part of something. That is why when we feel the anger it is helpful to follow down the rabbit hole. Why are we angry. No seriously, why? Yes, there is injustice, but why does that make us angry? The why questions are here used again. Our brain wants to use the anger to fight the hurt. That released energy can be the thing we need to admit what we never wanted to admit and accept what we never wanted to accept and face what we would never dare to face. So if you feel the anger being active - then it is time to move and make progress.
Sadness [4:10]
Once you found your target, it is time for sadness to finish the fight - which I know sounds kind of counter intuitive. But you are not fighting against someone else, but against the pain that happened in your past. And that only disappears with empathy. Empathy for yourself. While sadness has rather the tendency to make us come to a stand still, that doesn’t mean we are idle. Far from it, as we often discussed, that are the times when our brain is most active and needs all the energy, so we are put on hold. Sadness is us re shelving the books, packing the old toys away or the like. While anger crushes through what is affected, it is sadness that picks up the pieces, checks if there is anything it can preserve and prepares the ground for something new to be build upon. And crying is so important! With crying we flush out all the things that poison us - at least the things we were able to get our hands on. It is important to let it all out. Let it wash over you and leave your body - somehow figuratively and literally. Not sure how. Sadness is the time to slow down, be empathic with yourself and take time for yourself. Not to get lost in self pity, but to let go of the pain, mourn what you have lost or whatever the target turned out to be. And starting to rebuild on a more solid ground. As long as you try to move forward - so long you will.
Outro [6:03]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 135 - How could you make okay what happened? (I don't)
In this episode we will talk about the question “How could you make okay what happened?” that I heard many times and is a reason many people don’t seek help. A dangerous misconception that can leave people vulnerable and unable to move forward.
The short answer to the question “How could you make okay what happened?” is that I don’t.
I am not trying to make okay what happened - I am trying to make you feel okay despite what happened.
First we talk about the difference and then the first steps towards being okay.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the question “How could you make okay what happened?” that I heard many times and is a reason many people don’t seek help. A dangerous misconception that can leave people vulnerable and unable to move forward. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:29]
The short answer to the question “How could you make okay what happened?” is that I don’t. The reason for it is a simple one: That would be the wrong thing to do. On the contrary, it would be wrong and unhealthy to be okay with traumatic experiences. One of the best ways to show it, is to imagine telling grieving parents that they are supposed to be okay with what happened… I am not trying to make okay what happened - I am trying to make you feel okay despite what happened. For it to no longer affect you in a significant way. The worst thing is, that I heard from some that their therapist told them to be okay with what happened. That is beyond mind boggling to me. Sadly not the first time I heard of misbehavior of other therapist or the like. It is a topic on its own, but the quality of therapist and the like can range widely, it goes from unbelievable good to how are you still in business. Sadly it is also one of these jobs that attract people who want to have power over other people and oversight is difficult. So always take things with a grain of salt and if it feels wrong - look into why you feel that way. With that being said, we will get into the topic and see if we can’t change some perspective and give a good starting point for the healing process. First we talk about the difference and then the first steps towards being okay.
The difference [2:11]
We start of course by getting into the difference between being okay with what happened and being okay despite what happened. Being okay with what happened goes in the direction of nothing wrong has happened and therefor it is okay. Or because it is in the past. First off, everything is in the past. Any seed we plant in the past grows into the problems of today. So we have to address them or they just keep growing - even if we cut them back. If someone suffers it should not be okay. Sometimes unavoidable, but not okay. Now being okay despite what happened doesn’t mean that you are supposed to get a high enough pain tolerance to just endure it. That is unhealthy and a general sign that things are not okay. The same goes if you still have symptoms. It is more like having scars, that remind you that something happened and left a mark on you, but that doesn’t stop you from just living your life. That means no more triggers, trauma based nightmares and so on. But of course it will have changed you. If climbing a mountain changes you, then so of course does a traumatic experience. You are still yourself, but slightly different. Partly because you usually experience a very strong growth after truly overcoming a traumatic experience. There is some good to it at least. It really is amazing how much things change with changing your perspective. Things go from impossible to possible or even manageable or the like.
First steps towards being okay [4:06]
But we first have to be okay despite it all and how to achieve that is THE question. What are the first steps with being okay? First I would say, that it is important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid and it is not okay what happened. Which leads me to the follow up question, why was it not okay? Yes, the why questions remain ever helpful. To truly be able to recover you have to fully understand what happened, what was wrong with it and how it came to be. The better you understand, the more easy it is to resolve it. But take your time - this is going to be a long journey. It is more important to do it right than to go fast. But the most important step of them all is the decision to start the healing process. To face it all and really wanting to be better again - as in the end your resolve will be tested. If you are worried about your resolve, I recommend taking little bites out of the problem. That first gives you more confidence and second it is still progress. It is better to go at a slower pace and reach your goal than to rush and fall flat on your nose. It is a difficult process and a long journey, so it is often best to focus on the next step until there is only a scar of it all left.
Outro [5:40]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 136 - Why do I feel hollow?
In this episode we will talk about feeling hollow, which can feel like a hole inside of you - that somehow hurts.That feeling is the reason for many problems, sufferings and harmful behavior. Not just with PTSD and many are affected. The feeling hollow is quite widespread, but hardly talked about. Quite difficult to describe the feeling properly without having experienced it. This sometimes yawning void.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about feeling hollow, which can feel like a hole inside of you - that somehow hurts.That feeling is the reason for many problems, sufferings and harmful behavior. Not just with PTSD and many are affected. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:31]
The feeling hollow is quite widespread, but hardly talked about. Quite difficult to describe the feeling properly without having experienced it. This sometimes yawning void. Additionally things like depression, stress and the like enhance the feeling. To make it short, you feel hollow because you are - sort of. The feeling of hollow is there, because there is something inside missing. That can have several reasons, but usually mainly because you never build it, because it faded away and because you are missing people. That feeling of course also is there during mourning. As usual, the mourning doesn’t only refer to people, but also things, dreams and the like we lost. But for now let us focus on the 3 reasons mentioned above and see what we can do in these cases. We first talk about it never being build, then because it faded away and lastly about missing people.
Never been build [1:40]
The never being build usually takes place during childhood or later on, if it wasn’t taught how to do it. The childhood is supposed to be the time where you find out who you are, who you are in context of your surrounding and lastly in society. We are supposed to try out many things to get a good feeling what we like and dislike, what we are good at and what not and what our plans for the future are. Though more commonly it is taught how to project a perfect image of oneself - or the closest thing to it. The problem is though, that we are not perfect beings. Stand in a room full with people and at least one will be against something you do, like or want. Yes one should be mindful of the people around them, but not let it dictate your life. We talked about this before, but you counter it by exploring everything you like and figuring out why you like it. Also try new things and find an argument to like or dislike it. Each time you do this it will fill up a small piece of you until you get a very good picture of yourself. This also helps tremendously with self confidence and a host of other issues. It also pushed out things and people that don’t belong there and make you feel hollow.
It faded away [3:19]
Then there is the case of it fading away. Sometimes we neglect it, because of life or because of active sabotage. Like with everything, for example muscles, skills, relationships, if it doesn’t get taken care of, it will fade. In some cases it is bound to happen, even if we don’t want to - for example when we can no longer do it or just grown out of it - and it will fade away as it should. But leaving the spot for that very thing will leave a hole that just expands. In this case it is important to just mourn what you had and let it go. It will hurt, but also open you up for a new opportunity. I know how hard and painful this can be - it is hard to let things go you don’t want to let go. But it is the right thing and you will feel better on the long run and gain the ability to grow. Then there is the option with sabotage, which is usually done by people who want to be able to better manipulate, dominate or harm you. If you start feeling more hollow or hollow in general then it is absolutely crucial you take a look around and find out who could cause it. Often it is either a family member or the partner. That is a huge warning sign and you should try to take steps to secure your safety. This is a method to make someone small and easier to manipulate and control and bend to their will. No one should make you feel hollow or like you are nothing. Your partner should support and help you grow.
Via missing people [5:08]
Then there is the case about missing people, that can be because they are out of our reach or because of the loss of them. The latter is part of the mourning process and we feel the gap they left in our lives. That is normal and should pass after a while. With people we more or less lost contact with it is pretty similar to it fading away - at one point you have to accept it and let it go. But then there is also the case of the person never existing in the first place, because they are not who we thought someone is. Usually the ones we hold most dear are affected by this and we try so desperately to make it work. But as long we hold this image of a person in our hearts, we will also have a hole, because an imagine can never fill the spot of a real person. If you are worried that it would be too damaging to remove the person from your life, then I recommend seeking out and strengthen the bond to other people and reduce contact with harming one. This makes the task smaller and easier over time. The truth will hurt, but also set you free.
Outro [6:34]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 137 - Why do I need to cry so much? (and why crying is a good thing and important)
In this episode we will talk about the question why we cry so much - especially during our healing process - and why crying is a good thing. It is an important part for getting better, but often quite confusing. There is of course some opinions about who can and can’t cry and those are absolute nonsense. Crying is an important part of a healthy human being and mental health and also very important for bonding with other people. We first start talking about why do we cry and then how it helps our healing process.
Link to Cinema wins - Lessons Animation Taught Us: Inside Out (usefulness of sadness):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8nU4RoSlpQ&ab_channel=CinemaWins
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about the question why we cry so much - especially during our healing process - and why crying is a good thing. It is an important part for getting better, but often quite confusing. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:28]
I know, that crying is not popular, because who wants to cry or be sad? Often accompanied by this feeling of misery. Though I think most of us remember at least one time, when we felt significantly better after we had a good cry. There is of course some opinions about who can and can’t cry and those are absolute nonsense. Crying is an important part of a healthy human being and mental health and also very important for bonding with other people. There is a great video from cinema wins regarding the usefulness of sadness titled “lessons animation taught us inside out”, a movie I can only recommend especially for a basic understanding how the brain works, and the link will be in the description. Sadly, I also have to advise for caution in regards where and in front of who you cry, as it can lead to harmful consequences. Which will hopefully soon be a thing of the past. We first start talking about why do we cry and then how it helps our healing process.
Why do we cry? [1:48]
To answer why we cry, we first need to narrow it down a bit. The crying of anger, grief, frustration, relief and pain are the ones we focus on. Like I said before, the crying serves a lot of functions, but these are the main ones we use for recovery. These are pretty simple for our situation in its purpose, it is to express to others - and ourselves sometimes - the severity of our emotions and works as an overflow mechanism to prevent the whole system being flooded. The problem sometime is, that we can’t cry in the moment we want to and then we kind of swallow the tears. This leads to the tears so to speak being stored in barrels inside of you and if you don’t empty them later on they likely become a burden. Though if we wallow too much in sadness and crying we get overwhelmed, so we can not empty the whole storage of tears in one go - if we have a significant amount stored. Which we usually do if we start feeling this inner heaviness. Then there is this other crying, where you just let it out. I am not sure which emotion to describe it with. The one where it just flows? That is the best cry - the one of healing. You usually will feel better after it - after letting it all out. This sort of crying flushes out all the residue and bad things and if you do it regularly it really helps you - as long as you don’t surrender to it. It is also crucial for our healing process.
Helps the healing process [3:37]
It helps the healing process in mainly 2 ways, to deal with the all the emotions, frustrations, etc. we experience during the healing process and - of course - helps us deal with the past. In many ways and sometimes in very surprising ones. Going through the healing process usually is an enormously frustrating, emotionally loaded and hurtful experience. There is only so much a person can shoulder - even the strongest among us - before they collapse. Taking good care of yourself is absolutely vital for the healing process. By slowing down and having a cry to let out all the emotions - we lessen the pressure of it all. That is why taking it slow and taking breaks is SO important. But it also means not being stuck in self pity, if you notice you are stuck, its best to put it aside and pick it up at a later point. Which of course also applies for things from the past. If the way is blocked it usually helps to look around for an alternative. Usually crying is the final step in the trigger removal, but often also used along the way. I said that crying flushes out past residue, that includes trigger, traumatic experiences and also people. If they are small enough for it - so to speak. I also said that one of the biggest and most important revelations was, that trauma isn’t one thing, but made out of smaller things. Which is the key to removing it fully - breaking away parts until there is nothing left. That is why I say crying is a crucial part of the healing process. Even though I dislike it as much as anyone else, but for the pain to disappear, we need to cry. But is also important not to get lost in the sadness or tears. The goal is happiness after all.
Outro [5:51]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 138 - Survival is never pretty
In this episode we will talk about survival, which affects most affected by PTSD. When we hear usually about survival it is about being stranded on an island, the wilderness and the like - which is of course accurate. But survival also refers to the state many people affected by PTSD are in. We will first talk about surviving and then what we can do.
Lyrics:
My face above the water
My feet can't touch the ground
Touch the ground, and it feels like
I can see the sands on the horizon
Every time you are not around
I'm slowly drifting away (drifting away)
Wave after wave, wave after wave
I'm slowly drifting (drifting away)
And it feels like I'm drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the stream
I wish I could make it easy
Easy to love me, love me
But still I reach, to find a way
I'm stuck here in between
I'm looking for the right words to say
I'm slowly drifting, drifting away
Wave after wave, wave after wave
I'm slowly drifting (drifting away)
And it feels like I'm drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the stream
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about survival, which affects most affected by PTSD as far as I know. Which can be quite jarring while being surrounded by non affected people and slow down your healing process. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:28]
When we hear usually about survival it is about being stranded on an island, the wilderness and the like - which is of course accurate. But survival also refers to the state many people affected by PTSD are in. Survival means that you are managing to survive, but not much more than that. Nothing to put aside or to grow. If you brain is at war you barely have focus, energy and will to manage anything besides eat and sleep - and sometimes it isn’t even enough for that. The problem also is, that survival means stand still - which causes more and more issues the longer it lasts. When you are already barely holding the storm at bay - any further thing likely will make you collapse. But what can you do? When you are already at your limit - and the circle you are in gets slowly smaller and smaller? That has always been the issue if you are barely holding on. This feeling is wonderfully conveyed in the song waves by Mr Probz. The song is originally about any relationship to another person. But it describes the feeling of survival so well and the longing to reach the shore and no longer having to struggle just to live. Links and lyrics are in the description. We will first talk about surviving and then what we can do.
Surviving [2:01]
The title is a quote from the game Starcraft 2 and I choose it because it became a truth that I accepted and helped me through my own survival. I learned to accept that it doesn’t matter how ugly I am or messed up my situation was, as long as I was surviving. That was the important part. And at times - as I mentioned before - I did struggle to eat and almost always to sleep. The nightmares, the panic, the pain - everything seemed to be determined to stop me from getting rest. Let alone the other stuff. It all became a challenge, be it showering, shopping, talking with people, getting dressed, washing and so on. And at the same time people around you were just doing it with ease and making advances in job, love, private and so on. It is like everyone is walking past you while you barely can crawl. I remember hearing a TV moderator say “I couldn’t survive without my morning shower” and I can’t remember a moment I felt more disconnected from humanity. This person was living on another planet as far as I was concerned. But mostly it is the feeling of shame. I often didn’t talk because I was too embarrassed to talk about my situation and often having to try to explain again and again why I “couldn’t just…”. A feeling of shame so strong, that I would rather starve than to admit it. I hope for everyone listening it isn’t as bad and it doesn’t matter how bad it is - if you are surviving you are surviving. Which means barely holding on and not living, let alone thriving. Living means growth.
What we can do [3:58]
But what can we do when we are surviving to improve our situation? Well of course working on our issues is the crucial thing, but that is a long shot and is likely not going to make a strong impact on the near future. It will take time. And while you do get better during therapy - what are first aid measures we can take? First, we make a list, fine if its only in your head and kick everything out you should or supposed to do and don’t have to do. Then learn to prioritize. Sleep, food and water is the most important - and then we take it from there. Next we learn to do things with the minimum of effort that is required. Its called min-maxing. What is the minimum effort I need to to get the maximum of what I need. It doesn’t need to be done great - but it just needs to be done. It doesn’t matter how it looks or the like - it only matters you preserve energy that you can use on getting better and refilling your reserves. You will do things properly again once you are better. But you are in a state of survival - and that is the main focus. Like mentioned before ‘survival is never pretty’, but a necessity to be able to see better times. And those better times will improve the healing process even more and so on. When we are overloading our system by trying to look normal and keep things looking normal - we are draining ourselves and hindering our healing process. We are wasting energy we don’t have. It ain’t pretty, but it works. While we survive we might not be where we want to be, but that doesn’t mean that is who we are. No one is looking good while surviving, not even if its a show - but we can be ourselves again once the survival is over. Then we can measure ourselves again and live. Live a life worth living.
Outro [6:18]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 139 - Isolation (The Trauma after the Trauma)
In this episode we will talk about isolation - a topic which occurs throughout, from the traumatic experience itself up to the healing process. When we talk about isolation in this episode, we refer to both the literal isolation by being separated from everyone else physically, as well as the figurative isolation where people can be around, but you are still isolated.
We first talk about the fallout, then the disconnect and then about adapting.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about isolation - a topic which occurs throughout, from the traumatic experience itself up to the healing process. It is hard to talk about it, but it harms you greatly and your healing process. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:30]
When we talk about isolation in this episode, we refer to both the literal isolation by being separated from everyone else physically, as well as the figurative isolation where people can be around, but you are still isolated. Often it is a mix of both. Isolation is one of these things, that trigger our primal instincts and brain. The reason why isolation, no matter which, hits us so hard, is, because in the past, that was our death sentence. No one alone could survive in the wilderness. Our brain punish us heavily for being isolated so that we stay in the group at all costs to make sure we survive. While survival is still significantly harder if we are isolated, we no longer need to fight off literal wolves. But the brain doesn’t really care. It causes issues like depression, weakened immune system, worse sleep and so on. The isolation of course being involuntarily and not an optional choice, where you have the knowledge and option to be able to return to the support. We first talk about the fallout, then the disconnect and then about adapting.
The Fallout [1:59]
Realizing you have PTSD or having a traumatic experience that results in PTSD is a big enough shock on its own. Something that will change your life forever and there is a lot of unknowns, threats, misinformation and the like going around. All of that is hard enough on its own to manage, but then often we also loose our friends, family, job, acquaintances and the like. From none to everyone - the whole spectrum is there. I usually call it the trauma after the trauma. Of course the fair weather friends are gone - as one would expect. But it also comes as a friendship test, when you really DO need help and your life turns into chaos. Sadly the illness makes social interaction worse and makes even that harder. You will also learn the hard way how much you can actually rely on people, be it family or friends or the like. From what I usually hear, it is really a fallout and most is lost. That is not uncommon and many share that fate. Which is especially bitter when you know how important a functioning social network for the healing process is and how helpful. Feelings of frustration, bitterness, anger, despair, disorientation and the like are completely natural and understandable. It is important to acknowledge these feelings and to let them out in a as healthy way as possible, otherwise they poison us and we are harming ourselves. Taking care, being understanding and gentle with ourselves is important and crucial.
The Disconnect [4:00]
Though even if there is no fallout happening, there is the risk of the disconnect. Like mentioned before PTSD is a life changer. Even in the most positive sense, as you will likely mature, maybe change priorities, confidence change and so on. But once you live a life with PTSD - it can be hard to keep up the contact. It is just often a completely different reality to those around you. What is and is not possible changes drastically. As do the rules you life by. You are now basically living in a different reality, but jarringly those around you and your environment remain unchanged. This is what I refer to as the disconnect. And this can make you feel isolated and lonely, despite being surrounded by friends and loved ones. Which the depression uses as a fertile ground to spread and tries to cut these connections even further. The brain is really not your friend in this situation and every thing should be taken with quite a grain of salt. If you can, I highly recommend getting a pet, especially a dog. If you can they are often quite the game changer and huge fountain for love and support.
Adapting [5:25]
And while there is a huge difference to your surrounding, there are chat groups for PTSD or connecting with people who are in a similar boat. You are not alone - far from it. Important is to surround yourself with people who want to get better and improve their situation. Otherwise you might end in a circle of crab bucket mentality. And even with your surrounding - if you feel like they are trying to help you, then you can still make things work. Holding on to what used to be normal usually just burns energy you don’t have. So it might be wise to find a new agreement. You used to hang out every Friday? Now it can be a message saying “I’m up, are you?” and you make it more a spontaneous thing. PTSD now dictates your daily routine and you have adapt to that. Learn to estimate your moments, see what helps and works, what you can easily do and what not. Things might not be as simple as they were before, but it is like going somewhere new. You learn, you experiment and you adapt. The fish out of water experience that is used in so many movies. Not impossible, but quite a bit of work, but also helps you grow in many ways.
Outro [6:58]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.
Episode 140 - Why didn't I see it earlier? (Denial/Forgiving yourself)
In this episode we will talk about a question I seen many ask themselves ”Why didn’t I see it earlier?” and having a very hard time to come to terms with it and forgiving themselves.
We talked about Denial before, in Episode 37, where we talked about being in Denial about what happened. This is the next step, so to speak, where we talk about the fall out of that, when you try to to understand why you didn’t see it earlier.
First we talk about the why and then the what now.
Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast. In this episode we will talk about a question I seen many ask themselves ”Why didn’t I see it earlier?” and having a very hard time to come to terms with it and forgiving themselves. So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:25]
We talked about Denial before, in Episode 37, where we talked about being in Denial about what happened. This is the next step, so to speak, where we talk about the fall out of that, when you try to to understand why you didn’t see it earlier. Some discover their PTSD not until their 70s and look back and see how everything suddenly makes sense. Well most things. Especially the things you have been wondering and never understood have now finally an explanation. That is something extremely rough to go through. The earlier this happens to you the better, for many reasons. But now the rose tinted glasses are off and you are faced with an often grim reality. Often others have pointed it out, but you couldn’t see it. Now it can be extremely hard to explain how you couldn’t. How could you be so blind? To give a short answer: You did not see, because your brain didn’t want you to see it. And likely because you didn’t want to see it. Why would you? It often means loosing something that is very dear to us. We protect what we hold dear even if it means harming ourselves. We protect them as much as we do the image we have in our head about them. First we talk about the why and then the what now.
The why [1:59]
The why is usually mostly explained with cognitive dissonance, which means the brain gets information that contradicts the knowledge established and therefor rejects it. One of the reasons it is harder to unlearn and relearn instead of just learning something. But that is not the whole story often, in my experience and what I learned is, that the far bigger factor was that I refused to accept things to be true and rather remove myself than to let this be the reality. Rather go away in a dream than stay in this new reality. The more you love a person and are loyal to them - the harder to almost impossible it becomes to see the reality of it all. We protect what we love even from ourselves - and we try to keep this illusion alive as long as we can. It is just so painful. Of course the same reason like the cognitive dissonance comes into play, that the brain doesn’t want to change things and change has the potential to kill us. At least for the instincts in our brain. So our brain really likes to keep up the status quo. A new environment is just too dangerous and too high of a risk. Same goes for the group. Like I mentioned recently, while we can now survive on our own - our brain won’t deviate if avoidable to prevent loosing the group and therefor being doomed. We can put others above us and work together as a team, but the downside is, that these valued group members also become kind of a blind spot. You can not be betrayed by your enemy - only those you trust.
The what now [3:49]
But what now? What can we do? If there was a way to avoid betrayal and having this blind spot - then it wouldn’t be one of the most feared things. We have to keep in mind, that we didn’t know back then what we know now. We grow every day. Some more and some less. We can now do with ease tasks that were mountains ones and things that were unbeatable mountains are now just memories of the past. I would recommend you first just breathe. Most likely a lot was revealed and turned upside down. Try to slow things down as much as you can and just breathe. It is not wise to try to take all of it in at once - that just overwhelms and knocks you out. Slowing things down makes sure you go at a pace you can actually keep over quite a bit of time. It is also important to remember, that likely you would have acted on it if you could have. Be it either that you deemed it back then too dangerous or whatever the reason, you made that choice for a reason. In retrospect everything seems obvious, but we never know what would have happened if we had taken the other path. In the end the ship has sailed… and most likely also sunk. Watching the horizon won’t bring it back and let you take it. Not that this will make you stop trying. That is a different process with its own many problems. Letting go is hard. For future references - the brain drops hints if there is something not right and it is often wise not to dismiss it. Not always a trauma, but usually always with the potential of being harmful to you. You might not be able to react in that very moment, but it is wise to remember what it was and then look into it once you have the time. This way you can often prevent things getting worse or prepare for it. Either way, take it one step at a time at your own pace. As usual.
Outro [6:12]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.