Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about people who are victims and abusers. People who suffered and made other people suffer. There are some mixed opinions about it, but I think it is important to be clear on this issue.
So let us talk about it

Prelude [0:26]
I love it when people excuse abusive behavior, crimes or even murder with the excuse, that they suffered abuse, trauma or the like. Because then I get to ask what I am allowed to do? How many crimes can I commit? How far against how many?
I mean it is good to know your options, like when someone cuts in line in front of you. I am obviously joking, but it is always funny to see when their brain freezes and they struggle to come up with an answer. Because in the end it is a cop out.
A way to evade the question of the consequence for that behavior and what should be done. With that excuse, well that excuses it and we can move on right? It is lazy and we shouldn’t let people get away with it.
Just because you can explain a behavior doesn’t mean it excuses it. I know that most abused people will try to avoid as much as they can to become an abuser. This is not what this is about. This is about people choosing to be abusers.
We first talk about what is not abuse, then the difference between mistake and pattern, then why I call them traitors and lastly the consequences.

What is not abuse? [1:47]
Before we really get into the topic, I want to make clear that abuse is not just affliction any form of force. Often people - whose part of their job is doing that - are called abusers, they usually come in matching outfits.
While they of course CAN be abusers, they are not ones automatically. While positions of powers attract abusers, so they can abuse as undisturbed as possible, for example as therapist or coach, they are not abusers for violence, force and the like happening.
Abuse is the choice to harm or risk harm to others, be it verbally, physically or psychologically. Animals are of course included.

Difference between mistake and pattern [2:32]
We start with the difference between mistake and pattern.  We all are abusive in our lifetime at some point and especially being on the edge during PTSD makes us very prone to it. Be it snapping back or shouting at someone, who doesn’t deserve it.
Or worse. Explanation not excuse. But there is a huge difference it happening now and then and it happening regularly. It is our duty to try as hard as possible to make sure it doesn’t happen, by taking precautions and avoiding specific situations.
It is important to apologize and accept responsibility for your own actions. Mistakes can happen - we are human after all and not perfect beings. Try to avoid stressful situations and overloading yourself when ever you can. You deserve better and it makes things a lot easier.

Why I call them traitors [3:31]
Now since we established that not every use of force is abuse and that mistakes can happen, it is time to talk about why I refer to them as traitors. It is known that abused can end up as abusers in what is often referred to as the (generational) cycle of violence.
While it is sad - it is still a choice on the long run. We make a choice every day about how we behave and interact. Of course we are bound to reality and not our wishes, but we determine the direction and we can change behaviors we don’t want to have.
That might be a hard fight and take a while, but if you want to get there, you will. I call them traitors, because they know how horrible it is to suffer under abuse and then turn around and do the same. Even worse if they use their past to apologize it.
Even worse than that is saying other people can’t complain because they were abused in the past - that they are somehow entitled to it. This is not how this works. Past abuse is not an immunity card. If you behave wrong then you behave wrong.
Your past might influence you and explain it, but not excuse it. Especially if you seem to be aware of it and use it as an excuse.

The consequences [4:56]
And of course there are consequences for this. Those who suffer abuse have a harder time to be heard and taken seriously. And have to fight off the stereotype of the manipulative victim or using the victim card and so on. That you can only be an eternal victim or abuser.
Many fear nothing more than becoming exactly like their abusers and see this sort of as confirmation of their suspicions. That this is their fate and they hide away from life for that reason. No one should need to hide out of fear what they could become.
In the end it is our choice. How we live and who we are. Their actions reflect on them and our actions reflect on ourselves. We are the sum of our choices. And that also means we can change to becoming who we want to be. Step by step and one step at a time.

Outro [5:57]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.