Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about being ready for a healthy relationship - a burning question for most. Which is understandable as a partner is invaluable in life - be it a romantic or platonic partner. Life is usually just better with someone by your side - even a dog.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:29]
To give the short answer: Longer than you would like, but not as long as you fear. In the movie 28 days - with Sandra Bullock about rehab and not the horror movie - the counselor is asked this question about when am I ready for dating again.
He answered, that his rule of thumb is to try to keep a plant alive for a year and if you are successful to get a pet and then if 2 years later both are still alive then you can think about a relationship. And this is great advice in principle, but only partly.
It accurately points out that we first have to really be able to care about someone else before we can get into a relationship, because a big part of a healthy relationship is caring for another person. We get more into that in a bit.
But it completely ignored the aspect of just being potentially bad with plants. For example my plants are survivors and many don’t make it, even though I am getting better, but my pets are fine since over 20 years. So let us try to find a better answer.
We first talk about stable situation, then emotional range, then taking care of others and then the checklist.

Stable situation [1:47]
The first big hurdle is our instability or the lack of a stable situation. To be stable you need both feet on the ground and if you are wrestling with your mental health, that is only ever temporarily the case. Even though in that moment it feels like it will last.
My strong recommendation is to wait at least a few days - or at the very least until the next day - before making any commitment or serious plans. Like we talked about last time - our new state is not stable and takes quite a bit to become solid.
We also become more secure when we have a stable self. The instability is visible to healthy people and they shy away from it. The roller coaster is fun for a while, but people need to be able to rely on their partner or it damages the bonding.
And it is exhausting to constantly having to look after another person. The keyword is constantly. We all fall on hard times and it is not to be confused with handicaps and the like. It’s about the partner constantly having to balance out your movements.
That is a full time job. Stability to some degree, as of course life is never truly stable, is required to build a life together.

Emotional range [3:09]
Then the second big hurdle is emotional range. Our emotions are hardly controllable if we are dealing with it all. It is not just our outbursts that make it challenging, but also that we can’t access the full range of our emotions. It is only a limited spectrum.
The full spectrum you unlock slowly by freeing and repairing those parts of you - see last episode for more details. But until then you are mostly limited and very unlikely to respond very well. Once again something that will deter others.
As otherwise your partner has to constantly manage your emotions - which is another load on them. Even if you don’t want them to. It is also painful to see your partner suffer - which is taking a toll as well. And there is no clocking out.
If you are in a relationship - little gestures and giving some space sometimes can go a long way. Also learning to say thank you instead of sorry can help a lot. Though I am truly no relationship expert - that is a completely different field.
How we speak and express ourselves is also of course affected. See once again last episode. In summary it is just stressful for everyone involved.

Taking care of others [4:33]
Which leads us to the core issue we hinted in the prelude - the ability to take care of others. Because a relationship is about balance and if the balance is disturbed it will harm the relationship - no matter what. Details vary of course depending on the people involved.
It is easy to see how we overlook taking care of ourselves and others. That is why the plant is so important - it doesn’t let you get away with cheating. You can’t convince it to ignore the one time you didn’t water it. A pet is even worse - making noise to be heard.
And especially true for children - like we talked about in episode 160 about good parents. When we are struggling we are also low on energy, as we naturally need the energy to fight our fight. Which also means we need more time to recover.
Which soon means we are running out of time. There is only so much time for work, life, partner, recovery, fighting and so on. Which is why I don’t recommend going into a relationship until you can be sure you can take care of your partner.
Because they are also sometimes in need of more care and especially if they are struggling. These moments can form deep bonds - which makes every relationship stronger.

The Checklist [5:56]
Which all leads to this checklist. What are the things I need to look out for that I am ready?
1. Your “good phases” are consistent and can be relatively reliably predicted.
2. You need to be able to reliably take care of something that requires you to be mindful for months. Be it plant, animal, tamagotchi or whatever. For your own sake I recommend writing down bad or shortcut days. This will help you assess the situation better.
3. You are comfortable saying no. It doesn’t especially stress you normally nor is it difficult.
4. You want to be seen and you want to interact. We usually know deep down when we are ready and when not. We want someone by our side, but are we ready for it? When it feels easy and naturally to be out there then we are likely ready.
5. You are in control of your emotions. That means outbursts are a rarity and you usually feel appropriate to the situation. You feel the wide range of good and bad emotions and should be feeling peace when you find time to rest and recover. Usually at least.
I strongly recommend that you do your best to be as honest as you can be with this. Otherwise you risk ending up in a bad relationship that just drains you even more. You and your partner deserve happiness - and for that happiness to last.

Outro [7:36]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful and that you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.